The past six months have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. It has had some amazing highs, and unspeakable lows. Looking back, I can't believe how stupid and naive I was to think that our marriage was impervious to infidelity.
My wife is the type of person that craves male attention, possibly stemming from an alcoholic father who refused to give her any attention. She has a tendency to have alot of guy friends and loves to be "one of the guys". She had been working at a chemical plant (high percentage of male employees).
About late October I begin to notice that she is texting alot of her male coworkers, I (being naive) just think that she is trying to handle work business. My job is one that requires alot of late nights and weekends. I was also in the process of transferring to a new position in a new part of the state. On top of that, we found out my wife was pregnant and schedules to deliver in March.
So between work, preparing for our first child, and moving my mind was focused solely on that. When my wife and I discuss what to do with her job, she offers the idea of staying with one of our mutual friends until the end of January, then move her back in from there. This would help us save money in preparation of the baby.
The weekend that I moved to the new house, my wife tells me that she no longer wants to have anything to do with me, that she has been unhappy and feels neglected. This came from out in left field for me. So we stay up late into the night as I try to figure out why she feels this way and what steps we could take to fix this, as she was giving very short brief answers amidst her tears.
We loaded her car the next day so she could go stay with our mutual friend to finish working (around 2.5 hrs away). While we were living apart, I was doing everything I could to have contact with her, but she would respond sporadically, and usually with very short replies. I would drive up to see her every weekend I had available trying to rekindle some connection. All the while seeing that she has been texting one of her coworkers quite a bit. I had discussed with her twice that I am not comfortable with what she was doing, and her response was the cliched "We are just friends". Anytime we were together, she had her phone and was texting away to him. Whenever she would leave the room ,she would be certain to take her phone with her. She even bought him a present that was meant to be "just an office joke".
While spending Christmas and New Year's together, she would tell me that I was "smothering her", and "We are spending too much time together", and "She likes her new found independence". She even had to go take a walk alone to "have some her time". I had agreed to help manage the finances on her small business, and had access to her email. On New Years Day she left to go back to where she was staying. After she left I found email exchanges between my wife and her coworker. These exchanges discussed things that should only be reserved for a husband and wife. I looked into our phone records and found she had been texting him thousands of times, and had a many late night phone calls. I confronted my wife and the OM two days later. She was in shock, and then began crying. I also called the OM to let him know that I knew. My wife said it was just an emotional affair and that nothing physical happened. That it was because she felt neglected and he made her feel special.
My wife and I agreed she would stay one more week at her job and then she would leave her job early and come live with me. We also agreed that there will be no contact between her and the OM. The OM understood that if he had contact with my wife, the email thread was going to be mailed to his house and his wife's place of employment. However, a friend of mine let me know that they continued to talk over work's instant messenger, email, and telephone. They would make sure to also sit right next to each other at meetings and park beside each other in the parking lot. Later that week the OM called and told me they had been contacting each other still, because he was worried what her mental state would be like if he just cut off contact. He basically told me the affair was all her idea.
I move my wife back in after she quit her job and we immediately begin going to counseling. I let my wife know that I knew she continued contact with him, and that she even emailed him the day before the counseling session. We continued to recover and rebuild our marriage. I had told her that I have many questions to ask her, but wanted to wait we had our son to ask them.
After our son was born, I begin to ask questions. Turns out it was much more than an emotional affair. They would meet after work to mess around, though she swears she did not sleep with him. That she thought she was in love with him, that they would send each other dirty text messages, and she would send him pictures and videos. Everything that we used to do, she was now doing with him. She said she was glad that I found out instead of his wife because he had more to lose than she did. (Because he was married with three kids, and the kicker, he was attending ministry school). They would go to lunch with each other every day and would buy each other gifts. He bought her an expensive music player (which I insisted she took back, and she did).
We are now on the long road of rebuilding our marriage, but I cant help but be triggered by songs on the radio, television shows, and more that are a constant reminder of what happened. I get angry and hurt all over again.
So I have these questions for you:
1. How do you all manage/combat these triggered thoughts?
2. For those that have reconciled after an affair, how do you begin to regain the physical intimacy with your partner?
My wife is the type of person that craves male attention, possibly stemming from an alcoholic father who refused to give her any attention. She has a tendency to have alot of guy friends and loves to be "one of the guys". She had been working at a chemical plant (high percentage of male employees).
About late October I begin to notice that she is texting alot of her male coworkers, I (being naive) just think that she is trying to handle work business. My job is one that requires alot of late nights and weekends. I was also in the process of transferring to a new position in a new part of the state. On top of that, we found out my wife was pregnant and schedules to deliver in March.
So between work, preparing for our first child, and moving my mind was focused solely on that. When my wife and I discuss what to do with her job, she offers the idea of staying with one of our mutual friends until the end of January, then move her back in from there. This would help us save money in preparation of the baby.
The weekend that I moved to the new house, my wife tells me that she no longer wants to have anything to do with me, that she has been unhappy and feels neglected. This came from out in left field for me. So we stay up late into the night as I try to figure out why she feels this way and what steps we could take to fix this, as she was giving very short brief answers amidst her tears.
We loaded her car the next day so she could go stay with our mutual friend to finish working (around 2.5 hrs away). While we were living apart, I was doing everything I could to have contact with her, but she would respond sporadically, and usually with very short replies. I would drive up to see her every weekend I had available trying to rekindle some connection. All the while seeing that she has been texting one of her coworkers quite a bit. I had discussed with her twice that I am not comfortable with what she was doing, and her response was the cliched "We are just friends". Anytime we were together, she had her phone and was texting away to him. Whenever she would leave the room ,she would be certain to take her phone with her. She even bought him a present that was meant to be "just an office joke".
While spending Christmas and New Year's together, she would tell me that I was "smothering her", and "We are spending too much time together", and "She likes her new found independence". She even had to go take a walk alone to "have some her time". I had agreed to help manage the finances on her small business, and had access to her email. On New Years Day she left to go back to where she was staying. After she left I found email exchanges between my wife and her coworker. These exchanges discussed things that should only be reserved for a husband and wife. I looked into our phone records and found she had been texting him thousands of times, and had a many late night phone calls. I confronted my wife and the OM two days later. She was in shock, and then began crying. I also called the OM to let him know that I knew. My wife said it was just an emotional affair and that nothing physical happened. That it was because she felt neglected and he made her feel special.
My wife and I agreed she would stay one more week at her job and then she would leave her job early and come live with me. We also agreed that there will be no contact between her and the OM. The OM understood that if he had contact with my wife, the email thread was going to be mailed to his house and his wife's place of employment. However, a friend of mine let me know that they continued to talk over work's instant messenger, email, and telephone. They would make sure to also sit right next to each other at meetings and park beside each other in the parking lot. Later that week the OM called and told me they had been contacting each other still, because he was worried what her mental state would be like if he just cut off contact. He basically told me the affair was all her idea.
I move my wife back in after she quit her job and we immediately begin going to counseling. I let my wife know that I knew she continued contact with him, and that she even emailed him the day before the counseling session. We continued to recover and rebuild our marriage. I had told her that I have many questions to ask her, but wanted to wait we had our son to ask them.
After our son was born, I begin to ask questions. Turns out it was much more than an emotional affair. They would meet after work to mess around, though she swears she did not sleep with him. That she thought she was in love with him, that they would send each other dirty text messages, and she would send him pictures and videos. Everything that we used to do, she was now doing with him. She said she was glad that I found out instead of his wife because he had more to lose than she did. (Because he was married with three kids, and the kicker, he was attending ministry school). They would go to lunch with each other every day and would buy each other gifts. He bought her an expensive music player (which I insisted she took back, and she did).
We are now on the long road of rebuilding our marriage, but I cant help but be triggered by songs on the radio, television shows, and more that are a constant reminder of what happened. I get angry and hurt all over again.
So I have these questions for you:
1. How do you all manage/combat these triggered thoughts?
2. For those that have reconciled after an affair, how do you begin to regain the physical intimacy with your partner?
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