I am kinda new here, and I don't really know any of you and that makes me kinda nervous. But after reading things in this forum, it appears that you can talk about just about anything. So here goes.
My H and I have had a very boring sex life for a very long time. Let me give you a little back ground. We have been married for 20 years. Neither of us had much experience before each other. I used to think that was the problem, but over time I think there is more issues then just that.
My H has been emotionally and verbally abusive for 10 - 15 years. It pretty much comes down to spousal abuse. Battered wife syndrome, (mentality), since there is no physical battery.
My H and I have been going to marriage counseling. He has since greatly lessened his abusive ways. But I am having a hard time connecting to someone who I know has the potential to be so cruel. He has stopped his abusive ways, but I see a constant reminder of what he can do and fear for what he will be capable of doing again. I tell him that sometimes. He wants to know shy I don't react to him sexually. He gets angry when I tell him why
i am not comfortable having sex. He gets angry that I am not more forgiving. He gets angry that I am holding a grudge. (Really, How do you forgive that)
That is problem number one. The other part of the issue is that I was raped by a guy before I met my H, and I have a history of CSA.
I neglected to tell my hubby what happened to me in the past, and my H had no idea the things he was asking for and the was he was asking were so closely related to my rape. So for many many years that ate away at our sex life. I didn't tell him because I was afraid of his reaction. I thought when I did tell him that he would be more understanding to why I do what I do. But it turns out he is angry that I hold against him what someone else did to me. So I am wrong to not want to do the things he wants me to do. I am not holding these things against him and making him pay for the mistakes of of someone else. I just happen to have huge issues with sex. (Does that make any since, I can further explain if need be, not sure how far the limits of sexual language can be pushed here at this site)
For the most part I dissociate during sex, and cry when I do stay present. We are in marriage T but it doesn't seem to be helping so much with the sexual issues. I am hoping that with time these issues will go away.
The T has been very helpful in dealing with the Rape and the CSA. I think I am pretty much over the rape affecting my sex life.
The main issues though is having sex with my husband after he has been the abuser. From experience, is it possible to overcome spousal abuse and go on to have a normal sex life. Any suggestions as far as books, or anything that might help would be greatly appreciated. I don't know if it is even possible. I wish I could just forget about sex, and never have it again. Take away the sex issue and our married life is pretty good.
Thank you for listening.
My H and I have had a very boring sex life for a very long time. Let me give you a little back ground. We have been married for 20 years. Neither of us had much experience before each other. I used to think that was the problem, but over time I think there is more issues then just that.
My H has been emotionally and verbally abusive for 10 - 15 years. It pretty much comes down to spousal abuse. Battered wife syndrome, (mentality), since there is no physical battery.
My H and I have been going to marriage counseling. He has since greatly lessened his abusive ways. But I am having a hard time connecting to someone who I know has the potential to be so cruel. He has stopped his abusive ways, but I see a constant reminder of what he can do and fear for what he will be capable of doing again. I tell him that sometimes. He wants to know shy I don't react to him sexually. He gets angry when I tell him why
i am not comfortable having sex. He gets angry that I am not more forgiving. He gets angry that I am holding a grudge. (Really, How do you forgive that)
That is problem number one. The other part of the issue is that I was raped by a guy before I met my H, and I have a history of CSA.
I neglected to tell my hubby what happened to me in the past, and my H had no idea the things he was asking for and the was he was asking were so closely related to my rape. So for many many years that ate away at our sex life. I didn't tell him because I was afraid of his reaction. I thought when I did tell him that he would be more understanding to why I do what I do. But it turns out he is angry that I hold against him what someone else did to me. So I am wrong to not want to do the things he wants me to do. I am not holding these things against him and making him pay for the mistakes of of someone else. I just happen to have huge issues with sex. (Does that make any since, I can further explain if need be, not sure how far the limits of sexual language can be pushed here at this site)
For the most part I dissociate during sex, and cry when I do stay present. We are in marriage T but it doesn't seem to be helping so much with the sexual issues. I am hoping that with time these issues will go away.
The T has been very helpful in dealing with the Rape and the CSA. I think I am pretty much over the rape affecting my sex life.
The main issues though is having sex with my husband after he has been the abuser. From experience, is it possible to overcome spousal abuse and go on to have a normal sex life. Any suggestions as far as books, or anything that might help would be greatly appreciated. I don't know if it is even possible. I wish I could just forget about sex, and never have it again. Take away the sex issue and our married life is pretty good.
Thank you for listening.
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