I am in a very bad place. Some of you know my story, and those that don't, I'm sorry but I'm not going to rehash. Suffice it to say I have been married a loooong time, but haven't even touched a woman in a sensual way in six years. That should say it all (though there's more - much more).
I have spent the last 8 years grinding away and churning so many emotions I don't know which way is up anymore. Attempts to find some common ground on the issues have just met with more pain for me, more criticisms, more confusion and suffering.
I have done the 180, have lifted weights regularly for two years, etc. I have read Codependent No More, Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay, Awareness, NMMG, and a whole bunch of psychology stuff to try and figure myself out; primarily why, no matter how gruesome the current situation, I simply cannot find my voice to tell her it's over. I have done all the book exercises, journaled extensively, read widely and deeply, talked to a few trusted people.
I know the root causes of my personal issues. I know where they come from and I've studied how to manage them. I cannot get to a therapist where I'm at, and even if I could go, I have heard too many stories of wasted time and money. I know what my issues are and where they come from and yet, despite agonizing days and nights, months and months and months of them, breathtaking anxiety, paralyzing fear, recycling every mental and emotional torment imaginable.........to the point where I don't think it can get any worse......why can't I find my voice to simply and calmly say, 'W, there's just no good time to say this, and I'm sorry if this hurts you, but I think we both know at this point in our lives, we are really incompatible, and I have decided I need to move on with my life," -- thirty seconds of talking then however long of listening and bearing up, acknowledging, and it's done. The hardest part of the whole thing, a literally life-saving thirty seconds of talking, and it's over (because anything that comes after can't be nearly as bad as the hell of the past 8 years).......and yet I can't bring myself to do this.
What am I missing? I know I deal with issues of trauma bonding, emotional codependence, nice guy, C-PTSD (from her verbalizations, not war), mixed up with the whole 'what will the kids think', 'will the kids hate me?', 'how lonely will it get and can I take it?'........I feel like I've done all the work, gone over every scenario ad infinitum, know what I'd say and how to proceed through the difficult conversation....deep down I even know I would survive it and do what the experts suggest during the talk, once that initial; statement is out of the way. It is very simply getting the words out. Sounds so simple, but I'm finding it to be excruciatingly difficult.
I have been grinding away at this for years now. Paralyzed, locked up. I know it's affecting me. I think my hair is thinning much more quickly than it should be. I have wrinkles under my eyes that I've never had before. There are times at night when I'm laying in bed (my own bed, in my own room) talking to God, hoping He's listening, and feeling like I'm going to have a heart attack, or that the possibility of just dying in my sleep is a possibility. I'm not even that old, and I'm pretty buff......but the feelings I get sometimes are outrageously gut-wrenching.
Can anyone help me? I know it's a forum board and I have to help myself, ultimately, but I just seem to be struggling so desperately with this. I read other posts of people who just decided enough was enough and made the decision, and got out. Why can't I do that? What am I missing? **** me, man, I just want to be happy. I want to be free. I want to laugh again, with someone, and put my arm around somebody who actually cares. I want to feel better so badly..........but I seem like the most stuck person on the planet, and I'm at the end of my rope.
I have spent the last 8 years grinding away and churning so many emotions I don't know which way is up anymore. Attempts to find some common ground on the issues have just met with more pain for me, more criticisms, more confusion and suffering.
I have done the 180, have lifted weights regularly for two years, etc. I have read Codependent No More, Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay, Awareness, NMMG, and a whole bunch of psychology stuff to try and figure myself out; primarily why, no matter how gruesome the current situation, I simply cannot find my voice to tell her it's over. I have done all the book exercises, journaled extensively, read widely and deeply, talked to a few trusted people.
I know the root causes of my personal issues. I know where they come from and I've studied how to manage them. I cannot get to a therapist where I'm at, and even if I could go, I have heard too many stories of wasted time and money. I know what my issues are and where they come from and yet, despite agonizing days and nights, months and months and months of them, breathtaking anxiety, paralyzing fear, recycling every mental and emotional torment imaginable.........to the point where I don't think it can get any worse......why can't I find my voice to simply and calmly say, 'W, there's just no good time to say this, and I'm sorry if this hurts you, but I think we both know at this point in our lives, we are really incompatible, and I have decided I need to move on with my life," -- thirty seconds of talking then however long of listening and bearing up, acknowledging, and it's done. The hardest part of the whole thing, a literally life-saving thirty seconds of talking, and it's over (because anything that comes after can't be nearly as bad as the hell of the past 8 years).......and yet I can't bring myself to do this.
What am I missing? I know I deal with issues of trauma bonding, emotional codependence, nice guy, C-PTSD (from her verbalizations, not war), mixed up with the whole 'what will the kids think', 'will the kids hate me?', 'how lonely will it get and can I take it?'........I feel like I've done all the work, gone over every scenario ad infinitum, know what I'd say and how to proceed through the difficult conversation....deep down I even know I would survive it and do what the experts suggest during the talk, once that initial; statement is out of the way. It is very simply getting the words out. Sounds so simple, but I'm finding it to be excruciatingly difficult.
I have been grinding away at this for years now. Paralyzed, locked up. I know it's affecting me. I think my hair is thinning much more quickly than it should be. I have wrinkles under my eyes that I've never had before. There are times at night when I'm laying in bed (my own bed, in my own room) talking to God, hoping He's listening, and feeling like I'm going to have a heart attack, or that the possibility of just dying in my sleep is a possibility. I'm not even that old, and I'm pretty buff......but the feelings I get sometimes are outrageously gut-wrenching.
Can anyone help me? I know it's a forum board and I have to help myself, ultimately, but I just seem to be struggling so desperately with this. I read other posts of people who just decided enough was enough and made the decision, and got out. Why can't I do that? What am I missing? **** me, man, I just want to be happy. I want to be free. I want to laugh again, with someone, and put my arm around somebody who actually cares. I want to feel better so badly..........but I seem like the most stuck person on the planet, and I'm at the end of my rope.
Put the internet to work for you.
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