Background:
My wife and I have been married for just over 10 years and have 3 kids. Over the past couple years our marriage has become more of one of convenience than of real connection. We got to the point we didn't even really fight about things that bothered us. It was rough for us both, but as sad it it was we just gave up on trying to improve things.
The Affair:
Even with our recent troubles, I never imagined her having an affair. Not MY wife. She could NEVER. We'll, she was!
She recently came clean and told me everything. I was in complete shock! I never thought she would, or could ever do something like this!
About 2 years ago, her and the AP (also married) started texting each other. They didn't work together, but there was a project they were both involved with. It started out with work related texts from him, then more of a friendship, then grew into flirting, then progressed to very inappropriate sexual texting, and eventually actually meeting up for sex. This went on for about 10 months or so. It was mostly texting with the occasional encounter (5-6 encounters total over the 10 months).
Things died down over a year ago and they went without any communication until recently when they were on the same project again. This time it never got physical, but there was still some flirting/inappropriate text messages.
A couple weeks ago, they both talked and both decided this wasn't want they wanted. They both wanted to be with their spouses and they didn't want to take things any farther this time. They decided it was over and haven't communicated since.
The Confession/Aftermath:
When my wife confessed, she prefaced it by saying how much she loves me and that she will do anything and everything for the rest of our lives to make it up to me. Then told me the what you never want to hear. It hit me hard. I just never imagined it possible (I know, naive, right). As hard as it was for me to hear, I could also see the reality of what she had done was hitting her hard as well. There's no doubt she is deeply remorseful!
The past few days have been devastating to me as I ask more questions and learned more about what, when, where, etc...
We've talked about the absolute NECESSITY to be completely up front and honest about what happened. I have been extremely clear, several times that for me/us to have ANY chance to deal with this she must be COMPLETELY up front and honest with everything I want to know about. She agrees and I feel she is doing her best to be brutally honest with her answers no matter how hard it is for her to say and hurtful she knows it is for me to hear.
There's no doubt she is DEEPLY remorseful!!! She is willing to do anything to try to rebuild if that is what I want, but understands it's still early and I'm struggling with this.
The past couple years we haven't REALLY talked as we just grew further and further apart. Over the past several days, we've really been open with each other. I've talked about how hurt I am and I can tell how much this hurts her as well. In a really demented way, this has shook us of our funk and forced us to really look and talk to each other, which in turn has made us feel closer than we have in quite a while.
How to Cope:
My emotions are all over the place! I can't get it out of my mind (I know it's still early). I just don't know what I can do to begin dealing with this.
I've asked a bunch of questions (without getting into specific details as I don't want those images). Do I want to know all the specific details? Would that help or hurt?
Do I want to see the text messages?
For those that have been through this, what would your advice be for someone dealing with things in the first few days/weeks? It's all I can think about. How do I stop obsessing about this for at least a few moments out of the day?
My wife and I have been married for just over 10 years and have 3 kids. Over the past couple years our marriage has become more of one of convenience than of real connection. We got to the point we didn't even really fight about things that bothered us. It was rough for us both, but as sad it it was we just gave up on trying to improve things.
The Affair:
Even with our recent troubles, I never imagined her having an affair. Not MY wife. She could NEVER. We'll, she was!
She recently came clean and told me everything. I was in complete shock! I never thought she would, or could ever do something like this!
About 2 years ago, her and the AP (also married) started texting each other. They didn't work together, but there was a project they were both involved with. It started out with work related texts from him, then more of a friendship, then grew into flirting, then progressed to very inappropriate sexual texting, and eventually actually meeting up for sex. This went on for about 10 months or so. It was mostly texting with the occasional encounter (5-6 encounters total over the 10 months).
Things died down over a year ago and they went without any communication until recently when they were on the same project again. This time it never got physical, but there was still some flirting/inappropriate text messages.
A couple weeks ago, they both talked and both decided this wasn't want they wanted. They both wanted to be with their spouses and they didn't want to take things any farther this time. They decided it was over and haven't communicated since.
The Confession/Aftermath:
When my wife confessed, she prefaced it by saying how much she loves me and that she will do anything and everything for the rest of our lives to make it up to me. Then told me the what you never want to hear. It hit me hard. I just never imagined it possible (I know, naive, right). As hard as it was for me to hear, I could also see the reality of what she had done was hitting her hard as well. There's no doubt she is deeply remorseful!
The past few days have been devastating to me as I ask more questions and learned more about what, when, where, etc...
We've talked about the absolute NECESSITY to be completely up front and honest about what happened. I have been extremely clear, several times that for me/us to have ANY chance to deal with this she must be COMPLETELY up front and honest with everything I want to know about. She agrees and I feel she is doing her best to be brutally honest with her answers no matter how hard it is for her to say and hurtful she knows it is for me to hear.
There's no doubt she is DEEPLY remorseful!!! She is willing to do anything to try to rebuild if that is what I want, but understands it's still early and I'm struggling with this.
The past couple years we haven't REALLY talked as we just grew further and further apart. Over the past several days, we've really been open with each other. I've talked about how hurt I am and I can tell how much this hurts her as well. In a really demented way, this has shook us of our funk and forced us to really look and talk to each other, which in turn has made us feel closer than we have in quite a while.
How to Cope:
My emotions are all over the place! I can't get it out of my mind (I know it's still early). I just don't know what I can do to begin dealing with this.
I've asked a bunch of questions (without getting into specific details as I don't want those images). Do I want to know all the specific details? Would that help or hurt?
Do I want to see the text messages?
For those that have been through this, what would your advice be for someone dealing with things in the first few days/weeks? It's all I can think about. How do I stop obsessing about this for at least a few moments out of the day?
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