| First post here, wasn't sure where to put this.. it's a long post, but it's true.. so humiliating, here goes. My last "boyfriend" was a total disaster. 27. Unemployed. Living at home with his mom. No money. I met him at a friend's birthday party and fell for him on looks alone. Tall. Muscular. Handsome. Hazel eyes. I flirted with him, he got my number... we hung out twice before I slept with him. I know. He was a DJ. I know. ... and he was working on making music, trying to break into the touring circuit to get on the road in the EDM scene. He wanted to play out at festivals like Electronic Daisy Carnival. He had a son, who was 5 at the time ... and I kinda fell for the whole family package. But the hardest part, was that he was good in bed. I'd never had a guy rock my world the way he did, without even trying much at all. I was hooked on him for about a year & 1/2. After the first time we had sex, I was glowing. Literally. For days afterwards. I was extremely scared because I hooked up so fast, but I hoped things would work out... because he was the best lay I ever had. (I haven't slept around.) But he didn't call me. A week went by, a month went by. No call. I was devastated. Then I ran into one of his friends who had been at the party I met him at - this friend was dating a friend of mine which is why our paths crossed. I asked the friend about my guy... and he said he was sorry to tell me, but that my guy had a girlfriend. I was devastated again. Why hadn't I thought of that?! But I started thinking. I got mad. I texted my guy and was really angry, asking him why he used me like that. I had asked him before hooking up if he had a girlfriend and he had told me no at the time. He blew me off. I kept thinking about him. Another month went by. I drunk texted him one night, telling him that I still thought about him... and he responded by saying that he had been thinking about me too. He said things were bad with his girlfriend and he was sorry that things hadn't worked out between us. I went over to his house. I told him I would only be with him if he broke up with his GF, (who he said he wasn't happy with) cuz I didn't want to cheat. He called her and "broke it off" right then. We had sex again and I stayed for two days. He told me his mom had had a stroke and that was why he was living at home, taking care of her. I fell harder for him then, because he seemed like such a great guy. I was thinking - here is a guy who won't compromise himself, who is pursuing his dreams, who is taking care of his family - here is someone with good values. I wanted him, but he still wouldn't commit. I was hurt by that, I didn't understand why.. but I thought I could win him. I had been out of work at the time as well... and I ended up taking a low paying job in childcare, thinking that it would make me look more responsible and help me be better with his kid. I also bought a car from a dealership, thinking that I could impress him by having an awesome car. I spent waaay more money than I could afford. I was making 400$ a week and my car payment was that plus insurance, plus gas... and he lived on the other side of town, so I was spending a lot of money on gas, using my credit cards to pay when I didn't have cash...!!! So I stayed home with my mom (paying her rent) to try and make ends meet. I was hoping he'd take me more seriously, but the opposite happened - he didn't think much of the job I had. He made fun of the car I bought. I was heartbroken... but I stayed with him. I told him I cared about him and wanted a relationship... he said he couldn't get involved with anyone right then, because he wasn't working so he just wouldn't feel right. Cuz he wouldn't be able to provide for me. I told him what mattered most to me was love. He said he didn't know what the future could be. Like I had a chance. So I started this crappy job and kind of hated it.. it wasn't bad, but it wasn't great... I actually tried to quit the position, but had to take back my resignation because they told me they wouldn't be able to find anyone else and I didn't want to leave them hanging. I didn't know what else to do for work anyhow. I didn't want to be jobless again. I thought I was making progress... with life and with him. Then, on Facebook, I saw another girl post some pictures of him and her together... and I asked him about it. He said that was his ex girl friend and they were pictures from awhile ago... but I looked at her page and noticed *a lot* of comments about him that were current... and I just knew something was wrong... and I just felt so scared and so empty all of the sudden. I asked him if he was seeing both of us at the same time and he admitted it. .. turned out that he had been seeing his "ex" THE WHOLE TIME he was with me. I was devastated and humiliated... but most of all, I just felt stupid and worthless. Like, wtf was I thinking?? So I had a job I didn't like, a car I couldn't afford, was still stuck at home with my mom.. who has some alcohol issues... and the guy I fell for turned out to be an *******. I hated myself. But the worst part was... I had been studying the "Law of Attraction" at the time... and it influenced me to blame *everything* on myself... that I had attracted the bad situation to me with bad vibes. The truth is, he wasn't nice to me at all. He told me I was ugly and called me a loser. I stayed with him because I kept thinking that my "vibe" was off.. like the Law of Attraction says... and I was worried that I would just end up in another same situation if I didn't "clean up" my vibe with this guy... so I kept trying. My heart was broken. I remember waking up one day and just not being able to go to work. I was too depressed. I had many sleepless nights, crying all the time... but I didn't tell him about it. I just kept hoping. He'd text me and ask me to come over on the weekends. I'd go over and **** his brains out. I stopped seeing him when a friend of his told me,"He doesn't know what to do with you..." and I had to leave right then, no explanation. He called me up and tried to work things out. But I couldn't deal with how things had gone. I didn't see him for a few months. Then I called him again. I left a jacket over at his house and I asked for it back. He invited me over. Same **** happened all over again for a few months. I finally told him I cared about him and wanted a real relationship. He said he could never be with a girl like me, that I was a loser and he didn't want me. He said he likes black chicks, not white chicks, and that my tits were too small for him. I had been talking a lot to his mom, and she told me he had other girls at the house besides me... and then I heard from one of his friends that he took his child tax refund and used it to go to Miami for WMC/Ultra. He hooked up with a girl from New Jersey while he was there. I basically wanted to kill myself, at the time. I am ok now... but it was awful. I finally stopped seeing him, but I was fired from my job in the process.. and then fired from the job I had after that. Now I am broke and in massive debt (I had no debt before I knew him!!)... I have another job, but I feel like I am starting from scratch. From less than scratch. I know how this all sounds. I am a loser. How could he want me, when he treated me so poorly and I took it?? I don't know how to explain myself. I hate what I did and how I acted. I wish I had stood up for myself. I wish I had told him to go to hell. I don't know why I was so stuck. I deeply regret being involved with him. I have realized so many things from this experience - I no longer believe in the Law of Attraction. I am suspicious about the relevance of God. I don't think most men care for women, unless they get some kind of social status out of it. I am convinced that the world operates on RESPECT and nothing else. Why didn't I see that sooner???!!! But what do I do from here? How could I have been so dumb? How could I had been so taken? I feel like he was right about me - and I am tortured by the thought that if another man knew about this, about how easily I was fooled, that no one would want me. I am nearly 30 now... but have a string of bad relationships in my past. I don't know how to explain this horrific experience to anyone. I don't know how to make a good impression anymore. I have always been honest and sweet and devoted in my relationships, I've never cheated on anyone... but none of them have worked out... and I *always* choose love, not material things. So what am I supposed to do now?? Now that I realize what a fool I have been...??? How do I start over when I have no other option?? How do I recover from this?? Part of me feels like I should *stop* looking for "love"... and just look for stability. But I never wanted to be that way... since I have lost my faith in LoA *and* love *and* my judgement!!, the world seems like a totally for eign place. I just don't know what to do. What is your advice... or insight?? :confused: ~luv ya hunnie, Zona. | |||
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