| Hi everyone... Just signed up here. I have never seen myself doing something like this and coming to a forum asking for this kind of advice. But I really am at a stand still in my life and If you can bear with me and read through this.... I'm expecting it to come out pretty long but I have quite a story to tell. At the end of all this I'm looking for serious advice. Ive been in my current relationship almost five years now. I went through a horrible breakup a year or so beforehand that ended in a courtroom actually. She was a horrible succubus that sucked my very soul out and gave me a lifetimes worth of mental abuse. I spent a good year after that in a bad state of depression. Had to move back with my parents, jobless, and hardly ever left my room. I lost a lot of weight as well during that time. It did give me time to reflect on my life and try to figure things out. I wanted to try dating. I've never actually dated before because that previous g/f I was set up with in highschool (my first), and were together more than five years. I met my current girlfriend in a bar almost five years ago. I fell for her instantly and we connected on so many levels. My brother and I and his girlfriend were sharing an apartment together and we had a big falling out. This is where I think everything went wrong. I basicly had to move out... homeless i guess you can say. And after only five months of being together she offered to have me stay with her. Of course I accepted. I mean I had a descent paying job at the time but I needed to start saving and needed about a grand just to be able to move into a place of my own. Like I said right there was the problem. Moving in with someone so soon was a huge mistake. At the time I didn't see that and loved every minute of it. After about three months we both moved in together to a new place. Now heres where things went bad and I never even realized it because I was so smitten over this girl. I stopped doing everything I loved because she hated that I played video games, worked and spent money on my own car, lost all my friends but one in the process. After three years of our relationship plummeting I was considering the possiblity of a breakup. I just wasn't happy anymore and I could tell she wasn't either. We stuck it out and started working on our issues. After a little while things were looking up. I don't know what happened but something got in my head about how she started acting all of a sudden. She started going out more... started dressing differently.... and went through many different hair colors and styles. All in which she never did anything like this before. I got a bad feeling. We shared a computer together. She would use it quite a bit if i was online with my xbox playing battlefield with my friend. I installed a keylogger on it one morning before work. Gave it 24hrs to see what she has been up to. It unraveled an entire world about this girl I loved that I never though was possible. That entire summer beforehand she had cheated on me with a guy. That ended and she was, at this time, with another guy. It devastated me so bad. I had never felt that kind of pain before. Of course there was a confrontation and you know how all that goes.... lots of apologies and I was naive enough to think she was being sincere that she would stop. The only thing she was sorry for in my eyes that she was caught. This stuff went on for another six months. First thing you are thinking is I'm an idiot for staying. Your right... but something mentally was keeping me from doing it and I don't know what it is. I continued to let her walk all over me during this time. She ended up getting pregnant. After that everything between those two were finished. I was just at that point preparing myself to walk away from it all until she suckered me into staying again. I went through that whole pregnancy, birth, and now seven months helping raise a child that isnt mine.... all that while from what I know has been faithful ever since. I'll get straight to the point and I thank everyone who has read this far and I'll try to wrap things up here. After everything that has happened I still feel like a fool. It has mentally broken me so bad I'll be honest... I don't love her anymore. Intimacy is forced and sex is almost non-existent. I still care about here a lot and thats my problem. I feel bad now wanting to leave her and this child that even after everything I adore to death. The father isnt in there lives and that made it easier. But I just don't love her anymore and don't see any future together. What makes it more difficult is I'm trying to get out of my current career path and am well on my way to a new one. But this new one will most likely take me out of the area I'm living and she refuses to move. I also find myself fantasizing way to much about a new life with someone new. Someone trustworthy, into gaming and cars, and traveling, and having kids of my own. In the damage path this whole relationship has caused, I only have one friend left and a weird relationships with all my family members. None of which i can turn to for sound advice. I think I'm mostly afraid of winding up alone | |||
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