| Hello I have been through many pages of this site seeing if any posts or problems were similar to mine. I didn't see any, so I decided to create a new post. If there are previous known discussions I missed, please point me in the right direction. Now, I suppose, on to my situation. I'm 23, my husband is 28. We have been married six years, and we have a five year old daughter. We've had problems with pornography for the entirety of our marriage. Before we married, his friends warned me that he's "really f***ing weird", and even his mother told me that there are some things I need to be strong about, but I brushed it aside. We lived for about a year without phones or internet, so our first year was spent dealing with finances, jobs, things like that. Then we moved and got these resources, and that's when the problems began. I should point out that I have no problems with the idea of pornography. It doesn't make me feel unloved, or unattractive, or anything if it's used as a supplement. But my husband... well... A few examples. Once he was supposed to be watching our daughter while I napped to help recover from an illness. I found when I woke up that he had spent the entire two hours I was asleep looking at pornography while our one year old sat strapped in a highchair about ten feet away from him. Another: While I was pregnant with our second child I found that the reason our marriage had been feeling so broken was that he was spending about four to eight hours a day, every day, looking at porn, amassing about 300gb of it in about two months, send me and our daughter out of the house in 90+ degree weather to run errands and have family time while he stayed home to view for hours. Spending hours looking at it at work, hiding for an hour or more every day in a port a potty for weeks straight. About four times I've had to tell him I'm uncomfortable with the smut images he sets as his phones wallpaper. And when I bring up things I'm uncomfortable with, he says he doesn't understa nd why I'm upset, or that I don't make sense, then keeps doing it. Spending hours looking for nude all female fighting games after I ask him to stop. Things like this. I should now mention that while I'm okay with pornography, I have my limits. I'm tired of how it interferes with our marriage, but also, I'm very uncomfortable by what he looks at. He likes the Japanese drawings of it (hentai). But... it's never of people having sex. I'm talking about gigabytes upon gigabytes of vomit porn, scat, bestiality, fetal porn... Soooo much that I'm sick of it. And, always, 100% Japanese women, or Japanese "art". My problem is that we've had so many problems with it, he's sick of having to talk about. So now he's really aggressive and dismissive of it. For example, I talked with him about how I'm uncomfortable with him looking at it in public tonight. This came up because I saw that he had looked at it while out of the house. He said "Sometimes I just want to look at t*ts, it shouldn't be any of my business" and "what, so everything outside of this house is public?" (he was sitting in a Starbucks when he viewed). Whenever I bring up something I'm uncomfortable with (large amounts saved, looking at it as a hobby, more than two hours spent looking at it, extreme depictions of unsexual acts, etc) it turns into an argument because he greets my concern with "You're psychotic" and "Stop being such a ***** about it". But if he doesn't want to talk about it because it comes up so much, yet he keeps doing things I've told him time and time again I'm really not okay with, what am I suppos ed to do? He says he's trying, but am I supposed to say nothing if I've told him no apps on his phone to look for it because every time he does that he saves 8+ gigs of it in less than a week and spends all his free time looking through them, and he goes and downloads more apps? How many "slip ups" and "mistakes" are just that, and how many am I supposed to deal with? Recently he broke his foot, and I asked that for the next month or two he not look at porn, just so we don't have any added stresses and arguments, and because when he wants to withdraw is when the excessive activities seem to start. He said okay, and then it exploded again (2+ hours at 2am on a work night, downloading 20 videos in one night, etc). Then we were having arguments. Then he started hiding it, which caused more arguments. He said he was sorry, and that he knew he needed to work on it, please don't leave, believe in him. Then that day he began looking at it everyday for hours at work. Which of course led to more arguments. Then after all that (about two months) he said that everything that happened was my fault, that it was unreasonable for me to ever ask him to not look at porn, and that if I had never done that nothing bad would have happened. I guess what I am trying to figure out, is it something that is "none of my business"? Are the problems I'm having my fault? I'm starting to feel crazy, and I know that if only I could be okay with it I would have a happy marriage. Is it me? Is it something I should seek help about? I feel so disrespected, that I can't be not okay with anything, and if I say that I am it either starts an argument, or he says okay then just does it anyways... I don't know. Is there anything I should be doing to make my marriage better? Thanks for reading this, I know it's long. | |||
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