| Let me start out with this... I cheated. My affair was the emotional kind. I am not proud of it and every day I beat myself up over it. I am a good person and I made a mistake that I will continue to pay for. There is not a day that goes by that I don't regret it. At some point, that line from being just friends was crossed. I honestly did not see it at first. We had been becoming friends for months before that line was crossed... it started out with extra emails to more text messages. The relationship was strictly electronic. The only time I actually saw him was for work functions and even then, I didn't think much of it. Once I actually realized what was happening, I ended it. When I look back, the actually "having feelings" part only lasted about 2 months. You can actually be blind to things... whether it was intentional or not, I'm not sure but in my mind, it was justified at the time. A week or two before I ended it, we actually said I love you to each other. How can you feel something like love for someone when you haven't actually been together? At the time, because of where I was in my marriage and where he was in his marriage (yes he was/is married too) it just felt nice to have someone make you feel good about something... even when we both knew it was wrong. He was good about ending it. It was easy to end things too... which was surprising to me. Only because if I really loved him, wouldn't it have been harder than it was? I still had to see him on a regular basis because of our jobs and we were on a council together. We avoided one another as much as possible. Our children go to the same childcare center and occasional I run into him but we look past and don't even acknowledge one another. It is easy and sometimes makes me question if I really felt something or if I just wanted to feel something. I don't know... but it doesn't really matter. What matters is that I cheated. My husband and I have been married almost 7 years this year. The last 3 or so years have been hell. The last year has been the hardest but it is because of what I did. We had been separated when my friendship crossed that line. I do think I was lonely and needed a distraction and well, I had it. I hurt my husband more than I even realize. He says that I rug sweep.... and honestly, I do. Being able to bottle things up and push them down is how I always have had to deal with things... so of course, that was my method of choice when it came to dealing with this. The affair came out almost a year ago. I do not make things easy. I am naturally a defensive person and I am stubborn and pigheaded. I never looked at what happened as being selfish, but the more I look into it... I have/had been. My first husband had cheated on me and in an instant, I left. My husband now, he made the choice to stay and try to work through it. This is def the hardest thing for either of us. He doesn't trust me, and I can't blame him. He keeps saying that he needs something from me but he doesn't know what it is and that I am the one who needs to figure out what it is that he needs. Quite honestly, it makes me mad everything that he says it because I don't think it is fair...but what isn't fair is that I put us into this situation to begin with. A couple days ago, he asked me to leave him and my two girls (ages 7 and 4). I have been a wreck and I feel like a walking zombie. I had honestly thought that over the last couple of months everything had been getting better finally and I was falling in love with him again... a feeling that I hadn't felt for him in so many years and bam. He tells me he isn't happy and isn't sure if this is what he wants. He tells me that he despises me and that I disgust him. I can't get upset over that.... he has every right to "hate" me... I honestly hate myself for being the cause of so much hurt. There is nothing more in this world that I want... to be with him and my family. I have never been alone. I made this realization over the last 24 hours and I've never been alone. I have been overseas or sent to schools or whatever, but never actually alone when I am home. Maybe this is what I needed to be able to confront everything that I have been neglecting. I have made terrible choices and he has every right to be pissed off at me. I see him as a better person as me because if our roles were reversed, I might have done what I did the first time with my ex and ran. I miss him and I want to go back home. I don't know what steps I need to take in order to do this. He still loves me and even told me today that he wanted so badly to ask me home but he isn't going to. Not until I figure out not only myself, but to figure out what it is that he needs... even though he has no idea what that is. I have made a mistake and I will always be aware of that... trust me when I say I am my own worst enemy...because I really am. If I am a bad person because the only way I can deal with things is to push it down, then I am a bad person. I have been going to counseling and we have been going to marriage counseling as well. Not sure if it is really helping us but at least we were trying. He gave me a second chance that not many people get and I am so incredibly grateful for that. I'm nervous to use something like this... but my husband suggested it. I've read through some posts over the last day or so and I can appreciate the straight forwardness that people offer... even if it is hard to hear. I'm not one to go read a book to help fix problems... I've always been against it but I actually broke down and went and bought one. It is actually shedding some light on things. As much as it hurts to not be with my family right now, maybe this is what needed to happen... I'm so incredibly lost... Putting my business out there is not easy for me either. I don't like doing it on a normal basis and putting something like this out on the internet... on a forum that is pretty harsh on cheaters like me... pushing submit is going to be difficult... but I don't know what else to do... Now, where do I go from here? | |||
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