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Normal to not participate?

I am looking for some opinions on whether a problem in my marriage is normal or whether I'm overreacting and just letting resentment from other issues take on more magnitude.

I have been married for 15 years, and the last few years have been miserable. My husband is passive-aggressive to the nth degree which makes communication, let alone intimacy, darn near impossible. These are issues that have bred a lot of resentment. I am tired of being blamed for everything, being lied to over and over, him constantly playing the victim, the list goes on.

An issue that keeps recurring, however, has to do with his participation - or lack thereof - in life in general and our relationship in specific. He literally just doesn't participate...but is content to just tag or follow along. He has not planned a single date in well over ten years. He doesn't participate in vacation planning, activities for the kids, or even the course of our day or weekend. If I don't plan everything out for him, or us, he will literally sit on the couch until I tell him to get up and do something...but I have to tell him what that something is. He will do it and then go sit back on the couch, watch TV, and won't move again until he's told to.

Instead of being constantly frustrated with trying to motivate him, I made a vow to spend this summer focusing on me and my kids. We have had an awesome summer, and I have planned so many different activities. I have reached out to old friends, met some new ones, and the kids and I are just generally "getting a life" after years of spending it in the house because my husband could never agree on anything the rest of us wanted to do so we did nothing.

So we've had a great summer...except my husband tags along everywhere. At first I didn't mind, but now I'm bitter. I'm tired of spending the time cultivating relationships, new and old, planning things out, making reservations, packing up the kids and car while he sits and does nothing...except feels entitled to join in on the fun. To make matters worse, he will not say a word in the car, so an otherwise lively trip if it's just the kids and I turns into complete silence when he is with us. It's like he goes out of his way to be difficult when he does come along, though, so he ends up having a good time by talking to other people while the kids and I are miserable because he starts an argument or causes a scene minutes into things and then wanders off.

I'm frustrated, the kids are frustrated, because we are used to having fun when he's not there. I just told him tonight that if he insists on not participating and on ruining everyone's fun when he comes along, then he's just going to have to stay home while we continue to participate in the activities we have planned this summer. Of course, now I'm the bad guy "leaving him out when he has done nothing wrong," and I have heard guilt trip after guilt trip all night long about how mean I am. What I haven't heard is him take an ounce of responsibility for being lazy and for not putting forth any effort into making these plans or ruining them. We have vacation coming up in two weeks. I told him that if he insisted on being completely hands-off and not participating in the planning of anything, then I would like for him to stay home rather than allow him to ruin our trip. Same thing - guilt trip and victim complex.

Am I expecting too much that he would put some effort - any effort - into participating in being involved in his family? And am I wrong for being sick and tired of his entitlement issues where he thinks it's fine to not lift a finger and do any of the work but yet to show up and enjoy the fun yet ruin it for everyone else?

We both work full-time, but in addition I also do all of the housework, paying the bills, dealing with the kids and animals, et cetera. When he is off work, he is done and sits in front of the TV the rest of the night with very little interaction with the kids and I. I just feel like things are really, really unbalanced...and I'm miserable.




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