| Hi. Reading some of the HD-LD threads, I figured I'd tell my story. A very long time ago, I remember insisting my eventual wife-to-be and I plan just one date together that didn't include sex, in order that we develop our relationship in all dimensions. A long time ago, after we were married, when time of the month came around, I remember thinking, "I'm OK with a little break." Then somehow, over the years things changed. Out and out rejection became common. Or, she'd often say "Not now, but at thus and such a time." And then at that time, it was almost always, "No." Eventually, I'd just get angry whenever she'd suggest a future time for sex. However, our sex life never went to zero. Sometimes she'd initiate, and on rare occasion she'd take me up on my often rare invitations. She didn't think our frequency was too terribly low. I decided to keep a calendar to see if it was really as infrequent as I'd been thinking. Sometimes my wife does keep track of things very accurately, for example after a session using one of my favorite positions, she might report an exact count of her orgasms, usually a number between 10 and 20. It turned out that for 2010, the count for the whole year was 27 sessions, occasionally just days apart, but including one 9 week gap. The next years were about the same and I think worse. Embittered, a few months ago, I told her I had a sexual fantasy, but I knew she wouldn't like it. A few days later, I mentioned this again. Eventually, I told her the fantasy I'd been having was that years after I'd died or become disabled, she'd come to regret all the time that she might have had a more sexual marriage, but chose not to. Obviously, in a sense I was trying to be funny, but it was also true, and not at all funny. We are not old, but not so young as for death to be an abstraction. A few of my wife's older friends have died in recent years. Perhaps due to this, plus a few eloquent quotes I've taken from this very site, things have very recently been improving. "Four times this week," she said to me yesterday, which is correct, though I no longer keep my calendar. I once heard a sex therapist on some TV show suggest couples set a schedule, specific days of the week. Then, if either spouse breaks a date, there's a penalty to be performed, say taking over some household chore. I suggested this long ago, but my wife never really liked the idea, and we never really resolved on good penalties, the vital element. On the third session of the week, my always beautiful wife simply floped down on the side of the bed. In word and deed it was more or less, "OK, just hurry up." She wasn't highly moist, which except for when she's taken antihistamines, is very unusual. Although I felt her shudder inside as I climaxed, and she said she'd had a small orgasm, "just from thrusting," I know her initial intent was just to supply me with satisfaction. Contrary to what most people have written about pity-sex, I felt rewarded, that she was doing for me, rather than for us both, even if her response turned out to be greater than expected. Afterwards, I did the dishes, and she was quite happy with this. One of our children is special needs, and our life is quite hard. In order that my wife can have some free time, whenever I'm not working, I take care of the kids. Except when everyone's sleeping, all I ever do is work and take care of the kids. The dishes is one of the few chores I don't often do, but I suppose I might take that over, too. So here's the question: Doing a penalty chore for breaking a "date," as I heard that sex therapist suggest, could be thought of as a punishment for breaking part of the covenant of marriage. However, doing additional chores out of gratitude, seems like "payment for services," and quite different. Though when you're married, nothing is unrelated, and maybe this is really a "distinction without a difference." What do you think? And how to turn a habit of kindel reading for comfort into a habit of sexuality for comfort? | |||
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