The only reason I am writing this is because I have no one to go to and I need to get it off my chest.
Nothing in my life is working, I feel so unfortunate and worthless. I will list all the problems in subheadings in no particular order.
My family don't understand anything whatsoever. This afternoon I was feeling dizzy and I nearly vomited but I come downstairs to my parents who think I'm up to no good in my room. They tell me everything I have done wrong today after coming back from school - from the chair not back in the right place to never fulfilling my duties. It seems that whatever I do can't please them enough as I always make some stupid mistake.
Sister: from all the frustration from my parents scolding me , I unconsciously take it out on my sister then later feel guilty as it's not her fault but i make her suffer when she doesn't deserve to.
2- School(social life):
Well, everyday I go to school and nothing else. I don't have a life outside of school at all.I do go to a badminton club but I have no friends there. I have one friend in school but even she is drifting away as whenever I ask to go out, my parents always find a reason to not let me go. And out two days in a row is considered too much.
3- School I perform above average in school but I'm certainly not a genius. However, my parents want me to be getting 100% in everything. When I get 96% and someone else gets 97% then they are like oh wow that is one whole percentage, it could cost you your life" •When I find a test hard then my mum tells me that I should have revised more as no test can ever be difficult. However, I work very hard and I revise as much as I can but I'm sorry I'm not good enough still.
Ok I know this is going to sound incredibly desperate but it just gets me down when seeing people getting gf/bfs. When I have never had a male friend let alone a boy friend. I feel so lonely and depressed. I have tried to make a move sometimes but it gets me nowhere and people just ignore making matters even worse.
I am insecure about everything about me lately, literally everything. I can't bare to make eye contact with people because I think they will judge me by my acne etcetc. I try to cover up acne with makeup but it only makes it worse , flakey and dry.
This only happens once every few weeks now but it used to be really bad two years ago. Since then my self esteem has decreased vastly. I have only one class with the "bullies" every week and they take every opportunity to pick on me.
I have seemed my guidance counsellor and she has been of no help. (This was two years ago)
I cry myself everyday to sleep and feel sick in the morning but if I tell my parents this they will say I'm making excuses or I'm a drama queen.
Everything I do only causes trouble. My mum says I'm of no use and one time she was angry and she even said she wished I was never born.
Don't get me wrong, I always laugh all the time and never show this but I just felt like letting it out for once. Infact, my distant friends say I'm the funniest person ever and I'm always happy but it's not the case really.