Sorry gang, I tried to keep it short but the words kept flowing out through my pain...:frown2:
You guys have helped me so wonderfully and caring through the separation process, and unfortunately now my husband is pushing us into the divorce process. :(
Her name is "Candy"(yeah right). I found out about this "friend" a little before Valentines day this year from my 5 year old son. When I asked my husband who Candy was since our son brought her up to me, he said it was a friend and basically told me in a non-confrontational way that it wasn't any of my business. :confused:
I'm not gonna retell my long story and put you guys to sleep, but here's a summary: To give you a picture of our time in life, I am almost 35 and he is 33 yrs old. I separated from him 6 months ago to cool off and try to work things out - did it for my mental health since I found out he was having an emotional affair on me with a coworker(he still denies it) & was no longer in love with me, and I was extremely devastated and nervous breakdown-ish. Since he had been so loving in the past, I thought he would still be a bit attentive, but since the separation he NEVER contacts me UNLESS it's for business, and would always get pissed and start an "it's all your fault" heated argument if I brought our relationship up.
He recently told me he wants a divorce. He won't change his mind no matter what I do - or did, since I stopped begging and trying to convince him weeks ago to work it out with me. We did a 50/50 split the regarding joint custody, and my son tells me that "Candy came over" or hung around with them almost every time I pick him up and ask him if daddy and him hung out with any friends - my husband has a lot if friends, figured it wouldn't be too abnormal to ask who they hung out with during their time together. Recently my son said he was tired of Candy coming over, since he wants time with just his daddy!:frown2:
When we first separated, I asked him if he would agree with me that we would NOT expose our child to anyone we're dating unless we were serious about them, and at that point we would also tell the other spouse about wanting to introduce our child to someone else if we were serious about them. I asked him the last condition so that the other spouse could help our son if he had questions about mommy or Daddy's special "friend" and came to the opposite spouse. And he agreed, but was reluctant to the condition of telling the other spouse about the serious relationship. That was close to six months ago, and like I said, he is totally hardcore about getting the divorce filing started ASAP. He got MAD and started an argument when I told him I needed more time to sort things out before the divorce filing!
We live in California, which is a no fault state, so I couldn't get him on adultery to get anything out of him - or can I (I don't know for sure)? Plus we have no big money assets/items since we've been married, other than a few shared stocks that are only in the 1K-2K range. We also had to short sale our house a few years back. So I don't think it's about money. I wanna confront him about it but he gets so damned angry when I bring our relationship up.
I used to try and keep things calm since I still love him an wanted us to work out, but now I have nothing to lose other than a divorce from a spouse with an "attitude" (which I do not want) and my love is also deteriorating (thank God :grin2:). He recently told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore - he told me this after I tried to get "close" to him with a little flirting. Before he couldn't keep his hands off of me. When he told me that, he had tears in his eyes, said he didn't want to hurt me.
I'm getting ready to give him the "free to leave the cage" letter recommended by the book Love Must Be Tough, to let him go. If he comes back to try again I'd do it because I believe strongly in marriage commitment, but it would take a LONG TIME and good Christian counseling before we get to a good point. But for now I'm moving on with my life, peeling his hold off of my heart and getting ready for the divorce filing.
So my question is: Why is he keeping her a secret?
Thanks as always guys! :smile2:
You guys have helped me so wonderfully and caring through the separation process, and unfortunately now my husband is pushing us into the divorce process. :(
Her name is "Candy"(yeah right). I found out about this "friend" a little before Valentines day this year from my 5 year old son. When I asked my husband who Candy was since our son brought her up to me, he said it was a friend and basically told me in a non-confrontational way that it wasn't any of my business. :confused:
I'm not gonna retell my long story and put you guys to sleep, but here's a summary: To give you a picture of our time in life, I am almost 35 and he is 33 yrs old. I separated from him 6 months ago to cool off and try to work things out - did it for my mental health since I found out he was having an emotional affair on me with a coworker(he still denies it) & was no longer in love with me, and I was extremely devastated and nervous breakdown-ish. Since he had been so loving in the past, I thought he would still be a bit attentive, but since the separation he NEVER contacts me UNLESS it's for business, and would always get pissed and start an "it's all your fault" heated argument if I brought our relationship up.
He recently told me he wants a divorce. He won't change his mind no matter what I do - or did, since I stopped begging and trying to convince him weeks ago to work it out with me. We did a 50/50 split the regarding joint custody, and my son tells me that "Candy came over" or hung around with them almost every time I pick him up and ask him if daddy and him hung out with any friends - my husband has a lot if friends, figured it wouldn't be too abnormal to ask who they hung out with during their time together. Recently my son said he was tired of Candy coming over, since he wants time with just his daddy!:frown2:
When we first separated, I asked him if he would agree with me that we would NOT expose our child to anyone we're dating unless we were serious about them, and at that point we would also tell the other spouse about wanting to introduce our child to someone else if we were serious about them. I asked him the last condition so that the other spouse could help our son if he had questions about mommy or Daddy's special "friend" and came to the opposite spouse. And he agreed, but was reluctant to the condition of telling the other spouse about the serious relationship. That was close to six months ago, and like I said, he is totally hardcore about getting the divorce filing started ASAP. He got MAD and started an argument when I told him I needed more time to sort things out before the divorce filing!
We live in California, which is a no fault state, so I couldn't get him on adultery to get anything out of him - or can I (I don't know for sure)? Plus we have no big money assets/items since we've been married, other than a few shared stocks that are only in the 1K-2K range. We also had to short sale our house a few years back. So I don't think it's about money. I wanna confront him about it but he gets so damned angry when I bring our relationship up.
I used to try and keep things calm since I still love him an wanted us to work out, but now I have nothing to lose other than a divorce from a spouse with an "attitude" (which I do not want) and my love is also deteriorating (thank God :grin2:). He recently told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore - he told me this after I tried to get "close" to him with a little flirting. Before he couldn't keep his hands off of me. When he told me that, he had tears in his eyes, said he didn't want to hurt me.
I'm getting ready to give him the "free to leave the cage" letter recommended by the book Love Must Be Tough, to let him go. If he comes back to try again I'd do it because I believe strongly in marriage commitment, but it would take a LONG TIME and good Christian counseling before we get to a good point. But for now I'm moving on with my life, peeling his hold off of my heart and getting ready for the divorce filing.
So my question is: Why is he keeping her a secret?
Thanks as always guys! :smile2:
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