Hi Everyone! I've been pouring though posts the past few days after finding this website and this really seems like the supportive community that I was looking for.
I apologize for the long winded post. If anyone is brave enough to read through all of this, first of all thank you, second of all please don't pull any punches. At this point I have zero people I can talk to, and I have a habit of coloring my thoughts and reactions negatively and in the least confident manner as possible. I really need some objective advice here as I'm not sure exactly what I should do.
I'm 35, male, married my high school sweetheart (between dating and marriage we've been together for 19 years) and we have a beautiful nearly 3 year old daughter. My wife and I are well educated and very private people so writing this post is very difficult for me. Its also worth noting that I suffered from severe depression from early childhood on into my late 20's.
Growing up I was taught that porn was a right of passage, something you consumed as a man because your wife wont do those things you so desperately what to do with the models in the mags.
My wife, and currently I, have an issue with porn, a well researched and documented stance about the ill effects caused by porn. One that she made very clear to me early on that consumption of porn on my part would lead to the end of our relationship.
Despite my upbringing I tried to stay off the porn for the sake of my relationship, but as time went on and the ebb and flows of intimacy took hold I started down the dark path of porn.
After 8 years of dating I finally asked my wife to marry me. She said yes but had no idea i'd been consuming porn all that time. To boot, my severe depression was at its peak at this time.
Thankfully I started going to therapy and got on some meds and started to straighten my life out. I began to address my past with my parents and I created a plan to tell my wife about the porn and the grip it had on me. I didn't want to go into a marriage with this giant lie attached to it. I wanted to be truthful with her and whatever happens happens.
It came at no surprise when she took the news as though I'd been having an affair for so many years. For nearly a year I saw this brilliant, loving, and wonderful woman turn into a cold, callous, hurt shell of a woman at the hands of my indiscretions. I had given up porn and dedicated my time to her and eventually the fog lifted and our relationship started to rebuild. There were numerous times things would be great and then out of nowhere she'd toss her engagement ring at me and tell me it was over. That went on for nearly a year. We both stuck with it though and got married.
The beginnings of our marriage were good but stressed by my job. I had to travel a lot and put in a ton of hours. We are planners, get through college, get married, stabilize our finances and then have kids. Well to stabilize finances you have to work. So...you can see where that is going. She started resenting my job so there was a lot of tension there. I would back off on work but eventually it would start coming back and the friction would increase then I would back off again and the cycle would continue.
Our sex life was only really good in the beginning of our relationship before marriage. She started taking the pill and her libido took a nose dive to nada. We still had sex but it was much less frequent. When I confessed my other life to my wife sex came to a halt for nearly a year. There was a very frustrating rediscovery period and then some level of normalcy. Maybe once a month or so. Finally about 5 years into the marriage I told her that I wasn't happy with our intimacy level. Everything else was great but that I really needed more. Instead of talking this out she shut me out. After a few days she agreed to have more sex. Time went on and we started talking about having kids, but not having more sex. Over a period of a few months we stopped taking birth control and she did a 180. It took us a good 9 months to finally get pregnant but during that time we had a ton of sex and even after she got pregnant we still had a lot of good sex. Our relationship was the strongest its ever been and it was the happiest either of us have ever been. Fast forward to post pregnancy and now she's back on the pill. The progression has gone in the past 3 years from sex once in awhile, meaning every other month or so, to now not having sex in over a year.
In the past 2 years I've changed jobs. Now I rarely ever travel and never talk about work. I have the flexibility to work remotely and don't typically put in more than 40 a week. I bend over backward to help out in all house and work related matters, cook, clean, house maintenance, the list goes on.
In the past year our relationship has suffered a ton. She used to be super affectionate, even suffocating at times. But now she wont even touch me, even for an embrace or a simple reassuring hand on my shoulder. She doesn't say she loves me unless I say it first. We spend zero time together. If we are in the same room its almost like she panics and is looking for an out. She for the most part actively ignores me now, doesn't answer me when I ask her questions, hardly responds to texts or emails or phone calls during the day. She is always glued to her cell phone despite the fact that her main point of contention with me and work was my cell phone, I've since stopped keeping it at my side at home.
Last weekend my sister in law took our daughter out for a dinner date and to go hang out so my wife and I were left at home alone. I thought wow what a great opportunity to spend some time together. The second she had the chance, without a word, she ran upstairs got changed into work clothes and started cleaning the bathroom.
After about 30 min of cleaning she said she was hungry so we decided to go out to eat. By her choosing she wanted to go to this expensive get dressed up place by our house. I thought it was odd but I took the bait and got gussied up since that's not something we've done in well over 2 years together. We get to the restaurant and after 20 min of awkward conversation and empty silences she drops a bomb on me that she might get laid off at work and wanted to know how secure my job was and if there was anything I could do to make more money. I kindly reminded her that I took my current job, at a pay increase actually, to cut back on hours to strengthen our marriage and so that I would not be an absent father to our daughter. She responded that she would like it if I could make more money but not if it meant being gone all the time. so with that out of the way we had a pretty nice dinner. Conversation wasn't awesome but much better than it had been in months. Dinner finishe d and we went home and went our separate ways, however I left feeling a little lighter in my step. I thought this was an improvement and maybe a step in a better direction.
A few days after our "date" I was feeling really down in the dumps. My brother passed away 7 years ago and the anniversary is coming up so I was reminiscing and I really needed a shoulder, not to cry on but I needed an embrace something that would say its okay. Based on the dinner we had and her happier demeanor the few days in between I decided to put myself out there. I tried to simply give her a hug. Now in the past year we have hugged once and thats it. Other than that no physical contact at all. What I felt was anything but reassured. Her body tensed up, she let me hug her but there was nothing on the other side. In fact she started to pull away midway through. I really can't take any more rejection at this point.
Now I expected a little of this but not on this level. I assumed that after having a child that some of that love and affection would be transferred to our baby, but not all of it. I also understand a need of having ownership of your own body. As a mother you don't really have that. You give your mind body emotions, everything over to your child. and so I tried to give her both space and time. Now I dont know what to do. I feel like she has given up entirely on our marriage. I know I need to ask her whats going on but really I'm afraid she is going to say she is done with us. She is an always has been the type of person that simply decides what she is going to do and thats it. No consulting, no conversation, just decides and does. Having a child I don't know what the right course of action here is. Do I confront my wife and ask her what the deal is knowing that the answer I get may be one that cant be taken back or do I let it be and hope for the best so that I do nt have to alter my life with my child?
I apologize for the long winded post. If anyone is brave enough to read through all of this, first of all thank you, second of all please don't pull any punches. At this point I have zero people I can talk to, and I have a habit of coloring my thoughts and reactions negatively and in the least confident manner as possible. I really need some objective advice here as I'm not sure exactly what I should do.
I'm 35, male, married my high school sweetheart (between dating and marriage we've been together for 19 years) and we have a beautiful nearly 3 year old daughter. My wife and I are well educated and very private people so writing this post is very difficult for me. Its also worth noting that I suffered from severe depression from early childhood on into my late 20's.
Growing up I was taught that porn was a right of passage, something you consumed as a man because your wife wont do those things you so desperately what to do with the models in the mags.
My wife, and currently I, have an issue with porn, a well researched and documented stance about the ill effects caused by porn. One that she made very clear to me early on that consumption of porn on my part would lead to the end of our relationship.
Despite my upbringing I tried to stay off the porn for the sake of my relationship, but as time went on and the ebb and flows of intimacy took hold I started down the dark path of porn.
After 8 years of dating I finally asked my wife to marry me. She said yes but had no idea i'd been consuming porn all that time. To boot, my severe depression was at its peak at this time.
Thankfully I started going to therapy and got on some meds and started to straighten my life out. I began to address my past with my parents and I created a plan to tell my wife about the porn and the grip it had on me. I didn't want to go into a marriage with this giant lie attached to it. I wanted to be truthful with her and whatever happens happens.
It came at no surprise when she took the news as though I'd been having an affair for so many years. For nearly a year I saw this brilliant, loving, and wonderful woman turn into a cold, callous, hurt shell of a woman at the hands of my indiscretions. I had given up porn and dedicated my time to her and eventually the fog lifted and our relationship started to rebuild. There were numerous times things would be great and then out of nowhere she'd toss her engagement ring at me and tell me it was over. That went on for nearly a year. We both stuck with it though and got married.
The beginnings of our marriage were good but stressed by my job. I had to travel a lot and put in a ton of hours. We are planners, get through college, get married, stabilize our finances and then have kids. Well to stabilize finances you have to work. So...you can see where that is going. She started resenting my job so there was a lot of tension there. I would back off on work but eventually it would start coming back and the friction would increase then I would back off again and the cycle would continue.
Our sex life was only really good in the beginning of our relationship before marriage. She started taking the pill and her libido took a nose dive to nada. We still had sex but it was much less frequent. When I confessed my other life to my wife sex came to a halt for nearly a year. There was a very frustrating rediscovery period and then some level of normalcy. Maybe once a month or so. Finally about 5 years into the marriage I told her that I wasn't happy with our intimacy level. Everything else was great but that I really needed more. Instead of talking this out she shut me out. After a few days she agreed to have more sex. Time went on and we started talking about having kids, but not having more sex. Over a period of a few months we stopped taking birth control and she did a 180. It took us a good 9 months to finally get pregnant but during that time we had a ton of sex and even after she got pregnant we still had a lot of good sex. Our relationship was the strongest its ever been and it was the happiest either of us have ever been. Fast forward to post pregnancy and now she's back on the pill. The progression has gone in the past 3 years from sex once in awhile, meaning every other month or so, to now not having sex in over a year.
In the past 2 years I've changed jobs. Now I rarely ever travel and never talk about work. I have the flexibility to work remotely and don't typically put in more than 40 a week. I bend over backward to help out in all house and work related matters, cook, clean, house maintenance, the list goes on.
In the past year our relationship has suffered a ton. She used to be super affectionate, even suffocating at times. But now she wont even touch me, even for an embrace or a simple reassuring hand on my shoulder. She doesn't say she loves me unless I say it first. We spend zero time together. If we are in the same room its almost like she panics and is looking for an out. She for the most part actively ignores me now, doesn't answer me when I ask her questions, hardly responds to texts or emails or phone calls during the day. She is always glued to her cell phone despite the fact that her main point of contention with me and work was my cell phone, I've since stopped keeping it at my side at home.
Last weekend my sister in law took our daughter out for a dinner date and to go hang out so my wife and I were left at home alone. I thought wow what a great opportunity to spend some time together. The second she had the chance, without a word, she ran upstairs got changed into work clothes and started cleaning the bathroom.
After about 30 min of cleaning she said she was hungry so we decided to go out to eat. By her choosing she wanted to go to this expensive get dressed up place by our house. I thought it was odd but I took the bait and got gussied up since that's not something we've done in well over 2 years together. We get to the restaurant and after 20 min of awkward conversation and empty silences she drops a bomb on me that she might get laid off at work and wanted to know how secure my job was and if there was anything I could do to make more money. I kindly reminded her that I took my current job, at a pay increase actually, to cut back on hours to strengthen our marriage and so that I would not be an absent father to our daughter. She responded that she would like it if I could make more money but not if it meant being gone all the time. so with that out of the way we had a pretty nice dinner. Conversation wasn't awesome but much better than it had been in months. Dinner finishe d and we went home and went our separate ways, however I left feeling a little lighter in my step. I thought this was an improvement and maybe a step in a better direction.
A few days after our "date" I was feeling really down in the dumps. My brother passed away 7 years ago and the anniversary is coming up so I was reminiscing and I really needed a shoulder, not to cry on but I needed an embrace something that would say its okay. Based on the dinner we had and her happier demeanor the few days in between I decided to put myself out there. I tried to simply give her a hug. Now in the past year we have hugged once and thats it. Other than that no physical contact at all. What I felt was anything but reassured. Her body tensed up, she let me hug her but there was nothing on the other side. In fact she started to pull away midway through. I really can't take any more rejection at this point.
Now I expected a little of this but not on this level. I assumed that after having a child that some of that love and affection would be transferred to our baby, but not all of it. I also understand a need of having ownership of your own body. As a mother you don't really have that. You give your mind body emotions, everything over to your child. and so I tried to give her both space and time. Now I dont know what to do. I feel like she has given up entirely on our marriage. I know I need to ask her whats going on but really I'm afraid she is going to say she is done with us. She is an always has been the type of person that simply decides what she is going to do and thats it. No consulting, no conversation, just decides and does. Having a child I don't know what the right course of action here is. Do I confront my wife and ask her what the deal is knowing that the answer I get may be one that cant be taken back or do I let it be and hope for the best so that I do nt have to alter my life with my child?
Put the internet to work for you.
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