Hi,
Not sure if posting here will help with anything, getting it off my chest may be enough to help me not say anything I regret.
First off will start with the stress creating situations that are always present.
I work in the Philippines but due to better education, better life, better medical care, better future, my wife and 4 year old son live in Japan. Due to the nature of my job I get to spend about 10 days a month with them. I can cope with this but it does exhaust me.
When my wife was pregnant, during one of her check-ups, it was discovered she has HIV. This was a difficult thing to hear but although I am negative she is my wife, I married her because I loved her more than anything. Even with the problems I will talk about later I would never leave her and will support her as much as I can.
She is from eastern Europe and her brother was called up to fight. We decided that as we can help him we should so he moved in with us in Japan. To give him something to do whilst there I said he can fix up our house which needed quite a bit of work doing to it. He decided to do that as he came out with nothing, we paid for airfare, visas, food. This has been how it has been for 8 months. He does have savings of a thousand US or so but chose not to bring them.
There have been problems between myself and him and it usually ends up with my wife and I arguing. She without fail supports him and I am always in the wrong.
The last time I was there he told me he no longer wants to work on the house. I mentioned this to my wife when we were alone together and her reaction was that she had not heard the conversation so would have to ask her brother. This started a bad argument as it is always like this and it has been annoying me more and more over the past 8 months.
I decided to confront him when we were all together and he said that he never said this. She obviously believes him so it started a massive fight when I said he was lying. Her response is that she knows him better than me. I don't want this to destroy our relationship so I said I would move into a hotel whilst he is there. It would annoy me too much seeing him, we tried to help him, he is destroying our marriage. All he had to do was tell the truth but he chose to continue tearing us apart.
So for the last 3 days of my time in Japan, I stayed in a hotel and my wife brought our son round to see me every day. Her brother stayed in our apartment whilst I stayed in a hotel!
It has been decided that he should leave so he is moving out at the end of this month. Until then I do not want to stay in a hotel when visiting as it upsets my son. Me not being there is normal for him so that is what I think is best, I will not go to Japan till he leaves.
Am I being over the top about this? The way I see it is that as soon as it was obvious he was causing problems with our relationship, regardless of whose fault it was, he should have moved out. We would have rented him an apartment. How can he stay and watch what is happening? How can he lie and watch the ensuing argument? How can he stay there whilst I am in a hotel down the road? How can that be OK with my wife?
I think we should get counseling, maybe hearing it from someone else will get her to understand how hurtful it is what has been happening. Or am I wrong? It's her brother, should I have just accepted he is like he is and she supports him no matter what?
He is leaving to go study a 2.5 year course, that we are paying for.
I feel that my wife sees it as me forcing her brother to leave and that she won't forgive me for this.
I don't know what will happen, I don't feel the same way about her anymore. I have told her that it must have just been a misunderstanding (it was not) to try and save our relationship as if I keep trying to convince her that her brother was lying I will get no where and we would split up. I will wait till he leaves and see how things progress but at the moment it is so upsetting.
Not sure if posting here will help with anything, getting it off my chest may be enough to help me not say anything I regret.
First off will start with the stress creating situations that are always present.
I work in the Philippines but due to better education, better life, better medical care, better future, my wife and 4 year old son live in Japan. Due to the nature of my job I get to spend about 10 days a month with them. I can cope with this but it does exhaust me.
When my wife was pregnant, during one of her check-ups, it was discovered she has HIV. This was a difficult thing to hear but although I am negative she is my wife, I married her because I loved her more than anything. Even with the problems I will talk about later I would never leave her and will support her as much as I can.
She is from eastern Europe and her brother was called up to fight. We decided that as we can help him we should so he moved in with us in Japan. To give him something to do whilst there I said he can fix up our house which needed quite a bit of work doing to it. He decided to do that as he came out with nothing, we paid for airfare, visas, food. This has been how it has been for 8 months. He does have savings of a thousand US or so but chose not to bring them.
There have been problems between myself and him and it usually ends up with my wife and I arguing. She without fail supports him and I am always in the wrong.
The last time I was there he told me he no longer wants to work on the house. I mentioned this to my wife when we were alone together and her reaction was that she had not heard the conversation so would have to ask her brother. This started a bad argument as it is always like this and it has been annoying me more and more over the past 8 months.
I decided to confront him when we were all together and he said that he never said this. She obviously believes him so it started a massive fight when I said he was lying. Her response is that she knows him better than me. I don't want this to destroy our relationship so I said I would move into a hotel whilst he is there. It would annoy me too much seeing him, we tried to help him, he is destroying our marriage. All he had to do was tell the truth but he chose to continue tearing us apart.
So for the last 3 days of my time in Japan, I stayed in a hotel and my wife brought our son round to see me every day. Her brother stayed in our apartment whilst I stayed in a hotel!
It has been decided that he should leave so he is moving out at the end of this month. Until then I do not want to stay in a hotel when visiting as it upsets my son. Me not being there is normal for him so that is what I think is best, I will not go to Japan till he leaves.
Am I being over the top about this? The way I see it is that as soon as it was obvious he was causing problems with our relationship, regardless of whose fault it was, he should have moved out. We would have rented him an apartment. How can he stay and watch what is happening? How can he lie and watch the ensuing argument? How can he stay there whilst I am in a hotel down the road? How can that be OK with my wife?
I think we should get counseling, maybe hearing it from someone else will get her to understand how hurtful it is what has been happening. Or am I wrong? It's her brother, should I have just accepted he is like he is and she supports him no matter what?
He is leaving to go study a 2.5 year course, that we are paying for.
I feel that my wife sees it as me forcing her brother to leave and that she won't forgive me for this.
I don't know what will happen, I don't feel the same way about her anymore. I have told her that it must have just been a misunderstanding (it was not) to try and save our relationship as if I keep trying to convince her that her brother was lying I will get no where and we would split up. I will wait till he leaves and see how things progress but at the moment it is so upsetting.
Put the internet to work for you.
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