This will be my first post. I've needed advice, thoughts, suggestions etc. on my situation for months. Warning it is a long post AND I'm on my mobile so sometimes it miss types my words or changes my words.
Background: I am 34. My husband is 43. We've been together for 13 years. We have four children. During the early part of our marriage I was a stay at home mom. Subsequently, for the past 5 years our roles reversed and he's the stay at home dad. (I don't know if any of that will matter but I thought I would throw that out there).
So during the early part of our marriage he was like a bunny wanting sex all the time. In the beginning I was fine with that but was never really thrilled because apparently he is very vanilla and apparently I am not. With him it was always missionary. Never anything new and no foreplay. When I got pregnant and my libido nose dived. I never instigated sex but would give it to him and pretend for him. Now I know that sounds harsh to "pretend" to enjoy it but I just wasn't interested and I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
When I wasn't pregnant I often didn't want sex because I didn't want to get pregnant. He refused to wear condoms and even if I talked him into wearing one by the end of our sex session he would no longer be wearing one. So I stayed away from sex so as not to get pregnant. At 29 and after four children AND tired of always having to worry about what time of the month it was as to whether or not it was safe to have sex, I got my tubes tied.
So I hit 30 and all of a sudden I can have as much sex as I want. But I still really didn't want sex. And after he and I had an argument about him not getting enough sex and me coming to the conclusion that he was right. Well I took matters into my own hands. I started to think about why I didn't want sex and I realized that I just wasn't turned on. See my husband has great stamina but is absolutely terrible at foreplay. As in there is no foreplay. And this is even after I asked for more (well any would do). So I prepare myself by reading sexy erotica which totally turns me on. Now mind you I don't imagine other men when I read erotica. I just find it stimulating and gets me in the mood.
So yeah, I now realize that we aren't really compatible sexually. I like a bit of kink and well...it took me a while just to convince him to try doggy style. I like experimenting and trying new things. I do this in everything in life from beer to food and would love to include sex in that too but I have resigned myself to vanilla sex.
Ok so after all that we are down to what the "problem" is...now that I want more sex he has decided he doesn't want sex. At first I was just a little frustrated because I was deliberately getting myself in the mood only to be frustrated by not getting any. Apparently the epiphany that I can no longer get pregnant plus deliberately attempting to increase my libido really worked and now I want sex. I want sex at least every other day, but every three days would be fine too. But now all of a sudden for the past year or two I might get sex once a week if I'm lucky and once every two weeks normally. And if I am really unlucky then once in a month.
So I really couldn't understand how he could go from wanting sex every other day to barely wanting anything. So after months of this i found out that he has been looking up porn sites once a day and jacking off while I'm at work. So I absolutely get no sex during the week at all. He will claim he's too tired or his back hurts or any number of ailments.
And there is nothing more awesome than asking for sex or deliberately wearing something sexy and being turned down. When confronted he says "it's not you honey. It is me." Apparently he doesn't feel like he's in shape and not sexy. Though I call bull on that because he is in decent shape. Yeah is been more muscular but he's also been fatter than he is now and I've always been attracted to him. I told him so.
I have some decisions I have to make. Apparently I'm not going to be getting sex any anymore but I still want it so I've decided to chose a nice collection of toys. But of course when I mentioned to him I might get some so that he doesn't open my boxes and get a surprise, he tells me that doesn't want me to get any toys.
This whole subject upsets me. It's been almost two years of having sex 1-4 times a month. Oh and I swear he waits till I'm on my period to want sex where I have to say no. And then asks for a BJ when I won't have sex during my period. But yet when he doesn't want sex he doesn't do anything to help me out.
Sometimes I think it is a control thing. Like when I don't want sex he won't take no for an answer. And when I do want sex he decides he doesn't. Apparently jacking off every single day at home is better than waiting and having sex with me.
Background: I am 34. My husband is 43. We've been together for 13 years. We have four children. During the early part of our marriage I was a stay at home mom. Subsequently, for the past 5 years our roles reversed and he's the stay at home dad. (I don't know if any of that will matter but I thought I would throw that out there).
So during the early part of our marriage he was like a bunny wanting sex all the time. In the beginning I was fine with that but was never really thrilled because apparently he is very vanilla and apparently I am not. With him it was always missionary. Never anything new and no foreplay. When I got pregnant and my libido nose dived. I never instigated sex but would give it to him and pretend for him. Now I know that sounds harsh to "pretend" to enjoy it but I just wasn't interested and I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
When I wasn't pregnant I often didn't want sex because I didn't want to get pregnant. He refused to wear condoms and even if I talked him into wearing one by the end of our sex session he would no longer be wearing one. So I stayed away from sex so as not to get pregnant. At 29 and after four children AND tired of always having to worry about what time of the month it was as to whether or not it was safe to have sex, I got my tubes tied.
So I hit 30 and all of a sudden I can have as much sex as I want. But I still really didn't want sex. And after he and I had an argument about him not getting enough sex and me coming to the conclusion that he was right. Well I took matters into my own hands. I started to think about why I didn't want sex and I realized that I just wasn't turned on. See my husband has great stamina but is absolutely terrible at foreplay. As in there is no foreplay. And this is even after I asked for more (well any would do). So I prepare myself by reading sexy erotica which totally turns me on. Now mind you I don't imagine other men when I read erotica. I just find it stimulating and gets me in the mood.
So yeah, I now realize that we aren't really compatible sexually. I like a bit of kink and well...it took me a while just to convince him to try doggy style. I like experimenting and trying new things. I do this in everything in life from beer to food and would love to include sex in that too but I have resigned myself to vanilla sex.
Ok so after all that we are down to what the "problem" is...now that I want more sex he has decided he doesn't want sex. At first I was just a little frustrated because I was deliberately getting myself in the mood only to be frustrated by not getting any. Apparently the epiphany that I can no longer get pregnant plus deliberately attempting to increase my libido really worked and now I want sex. I want sex at least every other day, but every three days would be fine too. But now all of a sudden for the past year or two I might get sex once a week if I'm lucky and once every two weeks normally. And if I am really unlucky then once in a month.
So I really couldn't understand how he could go from wanting sex every other day to barely wanting anything. So after months of this i found out that he has been looking up porn sites once a day and jacking off while I'm at work. So I absolutely get no sex during the week at all. He will claim he's too tired or his back hurts or any number of ailments.
And there is nothing more awesome than asking for sex or deliberately wearing something sexy and being turned down. When confronted he says "it's not you honey. It is me." Apparently he doesn't feel like he's in shape and not sexy. Though I call bull on that because he is in decent shape. Yeah is been more muscular but he's also been fatter than he is now and I've always been attracted to him. I told him so.
I have some decisions I have to make. Apparently I'm not going to be getting sex any anymore but I still want it so I've decided to chose a nice collection of toys. But of course when I mentioned to him I might get some so that he doesn't open my boxes and get a surprise, he tells me that doesn't want me to get any toys.
This whole subject upsets me. It's been almost two years of having sex 1-4 times a month. Oh and I swear he waits till I'm on my period to want sex where I have to say no. And then asks for a BJ when I won't have sex during my period. But yet when he doesn't want sex he doesn't do anything to help me out.
Sometimes I think it is a control thing. Like when I don't want sex he won't take no for an answer. And when I do want sex he decides he doesn't. Apparently jacking off every single day at home is better than waiting and having sex with me.
Put the internet to work for you.
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