I'm made to feel like I'm unnatural and weird everyday.
I don't really like going outside, only going out when I go to university or when I'm meeting up with someone to discuss a script or when I'm going to an interview for a job or when I'm going to hand out my CV in person. I enjoy being at home, writing scripts, poems, books, musicals, playscripts, comic books, playing video games and making my own, talking to friends online. I have a Youtube channel where I comment on video games. It's a lot of fun to do and work on. I study and write essays for university, and occasionally watch TV, but only to watch Game of Thrones, the Walking Dead or the news. And I enjoy it. It makes me feel good to produce something and for someone to read it. I love to lose myself in a book, in a story I'm writing, in a video game. I do my exercises every day, which takes up between 30 mins to an hour. 20 burpees, 20 star jumps (while holding weights), 20 knee highs and 10 squats, which I do four times with a one minute break in between, and then I go f or a jog. Something I've only recently started doing. As I'm doing that, I throw out my CV left, right and centre, although unfortunately I haven't had any luck on that front, but I'm still trying, especially now that I'm in the last year of university.
I just don't enjoy going outside. I feel like I'm wasting my time, and I really do not enjoy wandering around when I could be working on a project at home, entering a poetry competition. I have friends, but they either live in different countries or they're on the other side of the country.
However, my parents think it is "unnatural" because all they see is me sitting in my room all day. Of course, they don't really ask about what I'm doing at all. I know, it's not really healthy when they put it like that, but they're wrong and they just assume, since they're often gone for most of the day. I go on long walks with my dog, and go to town when I need to. I tell them of all the stuff that I'm working on, however they will just brush it off and roll their eyes (however, when in company, they will tell everyone about all the stories that I'm writing, as if they're all up to date with everything I'm doing, when they know very little. One time, my dad told a guy that I wrote four plays, to which I said to my dad 'why did you say that? I haven't', to which he responded 'Yeah, I know, I'm just trying to make you look good'). I do ask them for their opinions but they always tell me it's 'the wrong time to ask' - the wrong time means they're either working (understandable ) or they're watching a football game or a reality tv show.
They tell me I'm ugly, that I'm fat and lazy and that I'm a bitch, that I stink. That I'm not a 'real girl' because I don't like to wear dresses, make up and going out 'with the girls', and that I don't like pink. And then my brother hears all of this coming from my parents and joins in because it must be okay if the parents are doing it. I hate it because I really want to talk to my parents about it, but they just simply do not care. Whenever I talk to my mother about my stories, I can see that her eyes wander towards some part of my body (either my belly or my hair or my eyebrows, telling me that I need it plucking). My mother tells me that I will never find a man if I don't do this to my hair or to my face.
I dress in what I feel comfortable in. I like to wear pants and hoodies. I like to tie my hair back, but my mum tells me that I look ugly and tells me of the aspects of me that need 'improving' or 'perfecting'. Dresses don't make me feel comfortable at all. She'll pick up a magazine featured a beautiful, flawless model or someone like Kate Middleton or Kim Kardashian, and tells me that I should look like that, and asks me why I don't look like that.
It makes me feel awful because of my depression, and suicidal thoughts. In my depressive moods, it tells me that my paranoid thoughts towards my parents - that they think I'm weird and that they have such a negative attitude towards me - are in fact quite correct, and allows me to believe now in my paranoia, which I really don't want to.
When they tell me that I'm a bitch, my depression tells me "yeah, they're probably right". When they say I'm ugly, I say inside 'maybe I am'. When they continue to make me feel like a freak, my depression only gets worse. My brother once told me that I should just kill myself, and he'd be happy, and calls me a 'paki' (because I have a chicken pock on the centre of my forehead that looks a little like a Hindu bindi) and calls me a freak, and calls me a **** all the time. Throughout my life, my brother has always taken the side of the bullies. He's a year younger than me. Like I said before, he once told me that I should kill myself. That night, I nearly did, but backed out at the last minute.
My mother found out that I was taking anti-depressants and made me feel bad about it. She showed me the leaflets about anxiety and depression, along with some of my tablets, and told me 'are you taking them depression pills' and made me feel awful about it.
But yeah, I kinda went off the original talking point but to conclude, I just feel happy writing and creating. I feel like I'm contributing to something. I make friends online and play video games with them (obviously I don't hand out my contact information, my bank details or my personal details, and it insults my intelligence when my parents bring it up as if I am doing that, and have no idea of the 'dangers'. I know of the dangers, and I'd never meet some random dude in town that I met online etc). I feel happy about reading. It inspires me to write even more. It makes me happy. But when my parents talk to me, it makes me feel like I'm a freak, that I'm, as they say, unnatural, and that I just don't fit. And they've said it so many times that I'm now starting to believe it. It makes me feel miserable when I have to be perfect for them all the time. My father is quite a notable figure where I live, being friends with the city mayor and various footballers, so he comes acros s a lot of people who gloat about how amazing their children are, so I feel like there's a pressure to look constantly perfect.
I'm trying to save up money in order to move out, and hopefully I'll get a job that'll help me get there quicker. I have a friend that I write film scripts with and we have similar interests such as anime and cosplay etc, who I've known for years, and we plan to move into an apartment together when we're both financially able to.
But yeah, thanks for making it this far.
Put the internet to work for you.
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