[COLOR=rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961)]Ok so I've been in a relationship for 4 years now. We've just recently got engaged this year. To me, the relationship hasn't really been the best it could have been. We were friends in the beginning and soon as we started seeing each other he stopped making an effort with me, he never wanting to see me, hardly text me and never called me. We studied at the same university and not once during the 3 years did we ever hang out together because he never made time for me and was always with his friends. I didn't expect him to hang out with me all the time but once in a while would have been nice. [/COLOR][COLOR=rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961)]
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[COLOR=rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961)]Over time I accepted that maybe that was just his personality. Year 2 in the relationship, he went away with a few friends, he lied to me and told me he's attending a friends wedding but in reality he was out partying and clubbing every night while he was there. He never told me this until I confronted him, I actually found it out from a mutual friend of his. I was hurt that he lied to me. Anyway I figured it was bad he lied to me but gave myself the excuse that he was still young and that's why he did it. [/COLOR]
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[COLOR=rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961)]Anyway same year of the relationship we were waiting for a bus and this really beautiful girl came and sat with her BF next to us. I didn't think anything of it as I was really never insecure like that. I noticed that he kept looking at her which I felt down about, it wasn't just a one or two looks cos I know every guy looks, it was a constant head turns to look at her for the 15 mins while we sat there. Then later on a few months after we were catching the bus home after we had met , he saw a girl on the bus whom he went to college with (but wasn't close friends with) he sat behind her and was basically talking to her non stop while I was with him. During that time I noticed he kept repeating stuff he had already told me during the day, as if he was trying to impress her and worse in front of me. I felt like **** after that and every time I would ask him why he made me feel these ways he'd always blame me and I was the one who apologised. [/COLOR]
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[COLOR=rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961)]I shrugged it all off anyway thinking its just me thinking way too much. We started auguring a lot after that over everything. It came to a point where he pushed me and started pulling my hair. I would hit him back though but he'd hit me back harder. One night we were fighting in the car in the middle of nowhere at midnight and he threw me out the car and left me alone with no phone. I was so scared at this point but he came back after 5 mins to get me. [/COLOR]
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[COLOR=rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961)]Year 4 now and we've really tried to stop arguing and let everything go. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and on Valentine's Day he took me out to a restaurant. Both were really happy it was going well until Half way through the meal we had an argument again and this triggered off a panic attack for me. I felt so scared and told him quietly I was having a panic attack, he started shouting at me saying I'm stupid for having one and to shut up. So I told him I'm going outside to get some air. I really thought he'd come to see if I was ok but he didn't come. I honestly cried and I felt so alone and scared. I had to deal with that on my own. As we walked to the car I was still having it, I didn't know what to do so I told him to hug me but he didn't move, he didn't touch me. [/COLOR]
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[COLOR=rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961)]He dropped me home and I was crying in the car outside my house I couldn't stop crying and he kept telling me to shut up, he got so frustrated at me he pulled my hair all the way back and pushed me. He tried dragging me out the car. I felt like I deserved it in a way because he told me to leave the car and I stubbornly said no and I stayed. At the end I touched his hand and I said sorry I don't know why. He then hugged me and we made up. [/COLOR]
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[COLOR=rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961)]I used I suffer from depression in the past and sometimes I felt suicidal. I remember once I felt like killing myself and I told him but he fell asleep. [/COLOR]
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[COLOR=rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961)]Anyway a few months after his mum wanted us to get engaged. When this happened I started to panic I needed to think weather I wanted to spend the rest of my life with his guy. There was a guy I knew from work to whom one night I told everything through text. He started the convo and I don't know I felt like I need to tell someone who didn't know me that well. I needed to tell a guy to see if this was normal behaviour. He told me it wasn't normal and to leave him. I got my closure but decided I was going to stay with him anyway. [/COLOR]
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[COLOR=rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961)]My Fiancee doesn't know I spoke to him that night and told him all that. I mean we never met in person, we bumped into each other a few times after that but we never spoke about it. I feel so guilty for speaking to him behind my fiancés back. I didn't do anything, I didn't flirt I just told him things I shouldn't have and I feel like I shouldn't have done that! [/COLOR]
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[COLOR=rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961)]I don't trust my fiancé anymore I feel so stressed out when he tells me he's going somewhere or doing something even tho I never stop him. I know how I feel. I think the past has made me feel this way. [/COLOR]
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[COLOR=rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961)]I'm stuck and I don't know if I should marry this guy. I love him so much and he's the first person I've loved. I can't see myself without him. He's nice as well, he'll do nice things for me too like any BF would. I need advice, what would you do? [/COLOR]
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