For a few possible reasons my strong sex drive, the desire and drive to have sex, has morphed into a responsive desire. Over the last 6-8 weeks or so I have slowly stopped initiating sex, slowly stopped initiating affection, slowly stopped insisting alone time. Not actually being aware of this fully until yesterday I skipped along not seeing this pattern in myself.
I quote MEM below because I feel like I carried our sex life based on my raw desire for sex. I did things to get my husband going because I WANTED sex! But for the last few weeks, I stopped doing all of it because my desire for sex just disappeared.
MEM's quote below kind of resonated with me because what I am left with is the desire to avoid displeasing my husband. However, this can't be a reason for sex as a rule. Because a woman who is having sex in order to avoid displeasing her partner is going to have minimal sexual fulfillment from sex, as a rule. And this has been happening with me lately. And it's Pissing me off!!!
This sets up a downward pattern making sex even less fulfilling because it is now *almost* turning into a chore. I iron his shirts to make him happy and so that I don't make him displeased or feel unloved. I feel good about not being selfish and making him happy. But I don't get much enjoyment from ironing his shirts.
So, my raw desire has turned into responsive desire. My ability orgasm fiercely has turned into an internal battle in which imagine every erotic scenario just to get a roller orgasm.
I'm losing my grove and I don't know what to do about because I'm not sure how much is organically driven by menopause or by the absence of the pattern of actions both my husband and I have counted on to keep our sex life alive.
If the vast majority of our encounters were promoted by me in one form or another and I'm no longer doing them because I no longer have a drive to do them, what we are left with is "maintenance" sex.
Questions:
What suggestions can you offer for me and offer for my husband!?
Has anyone else been through this polar shift of sex drive and how did you handle it?
My H will read this so I'm hoping we both walk away from this thread with a bag of tricks to use to both bring back my sex drive and to cope with a responsive sex drive with a traveling husband who is tired when he gets home.
Today I'm going to think about sex all day and see if that helps bring my arousal to where I want it to be.
I want my raw sex drive back dammit!
I want my fierce orgasms back dammit!
I quote MEM below because I feel like I carried our sex life based on my raw desire for sex. I did things to get my husband going because I WANTED sex! But for the last few weeks, I stopped doing all of it because my desire for sex just disappeared.
MEM's quote below kind of resonated with me because what I am left with is the desire to avoid displeasing my husband. However, this can't be a reason for sex as a rule. Because a woman who is having sex in order to avoid displeasing her partner is going to have minimal sexual fulfillment from sex, as a rule. And this has been happening with me lately. And it's Pissing me off!!!
This sets up a downward pattern making sex even less fulfilling because it is now *almost* turning into a chore. I iron his shirts to make him happy and so that I don't make him displeased or feel unloved. I feel good about not being selfish and making him happy. But I don't get much enjoyment from ironing his shirts.
Quote:
| Originally Posted by MEM11363 Long ago I wrote a post proposing that we differentiate between terms: 1. Raw sex drive 2. Sexual desire for partner 3. Desire to please partner 4. Desire to avoid displeasing partner When (1) Is high and (2 thru 4) are low, you have someone who's having a good amount of solo sex. Might be while their partner climbs the wall with frustration. For short we'll call this the high drive low desire scenario. This creates an increased risk of infidelity. |
So, my raw desire has turned into responsive desire. My ability orgasm fiercely has turned into an internal battle in which imagine every erotic scenario just to get a roller orgasm.
I'm losing my grove and I don't know what to do about because I'm not sure how much is organically driven by menopause or by the absence of the pattern of actions both my husband and I have counted on to keep our sex life alive.
If the vast majority of our encounters were promoted by me in one form or another and I'm no longer doing them because I no longer have a drive to do them, what we are left with is "maintenance" sex.
Questions:
What suggestions can you offer for me and offer for my husband!?
Has anyone else been through this polar shift of sex drive and how did you handle it?
My H will read this so I'm hoping we both walk away from this thread with a bag of tricks to use to both bring back my sex drive and to cope with a responsive sex drive with a traveling husband who is tired when he gets home.
Today I'm going to think about sex all day and see if that helps bring my arousal to where I want it to be.
I want my raw sex drive back dammit!
I want my fierce orgasms back dammit!
Put the internet to work for you.
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