I don't really know where I'm going with this but...
I'm 20. I'm... queer, I guess? I know some people still consider it a slur but I don't identify with any of the other labels. I'm not gay, I'm not straight, I'm somewhere in between. Probably bi but I don't like calling myself that.
I've had two serious relationships, one with a girl and one with a boy. Both lasted over 2 years. Apart from that I've had no sexual stuff with anyone, not even kissing (I don't really enjoy clubbing and that seems to be the only place people at uni do that sort of thing).
The relationship with the girl was fairly horrendous. She was abusive, I was ashamed and I never openly held hands or called her my girlfriend (like, my friends and family knew but I mostly hid it).
Now I have a huge crush on one of the girls on my cricket team but I'm pretty sure she's straight and it's just... so awful that if I was a boy I might have a chance, or at least I could make it clear that I like her without being worried about repercussions. I don't seriously think anyone would have a problem with it but I don't want to spend the rest of my degree as 'the lesbian who's a mediocre cricketer'.
I hate the term 'lesbian'. I'm not one, and I don't want to be called it. I don't want to be attracted to girls. I want to be normal, I want to be like everyone else. But now I seem to be going through a phase of not being attracted to boys at all, apart from celebrities (who, as we all know, aren't representative).
I don't really know where I'm going with this except that I'm finding it really difficult to accept myself and am making myself incredibly unhappy. Everyone else (even my LGBT friends) seem so sure of who they are and where they're going and I don't know what I'm doing at all.
Put the internet to work for you.
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