7 years married
1 three-year-old son
1 newborn on the way.
As tragic as it sounds and I admit it is, I'm 100% certain that I'm leaving.
Let me just say that when I do leave, I'll plan to live in the very same neighborhood of the city we live in (no more than a 10 minute walking distance) so that I'm close to my children and will be able to see them and help my wife out when the new baby is born and for the years after when it comes to the kids splitting time between my wife and me.
Back in very late 2012, 9 months after our son was born, I had informed my wife that I wanted a divorce but I never actually went through with it. She was pretty devastated for the first month or so, begged me to go to marriage counseling, which I refused, but I continued to sleep in the spare bedroom of our apartment so that I could be close to my son as he wasn't even a year old yet. Wife and I had a cordial relationship in the year after I broke this news to her, never fought about it in front of or brought the issues up in front of our son and respected each other for a year all the way through 2013.
The idea of my son growing up in a broken home crushed me and although I was still leaning toward divorce, I felt I owed it to try the marriage counseling with her. We did this for several months in the winter and spring of 2014. Things were better for about a month after the counseling, but then went very rapidly downhill again by the summer of 2014.
We took a trip to see some family last autumn and it was at this time that I realized I was emotionally just finished with the marriage with her. We had a rare sexual encounter during that trip and we found out a month later she was pregnant and she's now 5 months in. I of course was shocked, but right away I looked at it in a positive way in that my current 3-year-old son wouldn't be going through the "mommy and daddy live in different houses" ride during his childhood by himself, so no regrets that I have another kid on the way and am very excited for the new boy/girl.
While there are several issues with wife and I, it's always been about the lack of a sexual relationship on her part. It's clear that this is something that she just isn't capable of fixing. Even in the marriage counseling it became clear that she needed to take action or the marriage would be in trouble. They recommended her all kinds of things to try, books to read and with me obviously having to be involved and supporting, which I did try and plead with her. This came from both our counselors directed at her but she took no responsibility and no initiative and I'm just done here.
The problem has always come down to a lack of closeness and sex and this has gone on our entire marriage actually -- even way before our marriage. It's something that would always come up, she'd promise to improve in that area but has never actually made a true effort. It's now exploded to the point where I'm absolutely convinced that I'm done. I've crossed the bridge and I'm just done and there is no going back for me. I do not want to be married to someone who's incapable of showing her love to me at all physically (obviously I'm referring to before the point when she was even pregnant) and I don't want my kids growing up in a home where I'm completely resenting my wife and there is zero love being shown between us. We are absolutely completely disconnected and I'm not doing the marriage counseling again.
I'm 100% committed to supporting and being involved in every aspect of my children's lives. This is not at all about escaping the children aspect. This is completely between myself and my wife. We both love our son and unborn child unconditionally!
2 options I'm weighing here:
Tell her I'll be separating from her once the baby is born and offer to stay in the apartment in the spare bedroom until the 2nd child is born and even for a couple of months after the child is born before I move out.
Consider her emotional health and that of our unborn child and don't tell her until after the pregnancy, telling her within a few weeks after the baby is born and moving out soon after, again offering to stay in the spare bedroom until her and the new baby get settled.
Do I do it now, do I wait for our second child to be born
She's a great mother to our 3-year-old son and he adores her. I honestly couldn't ask for a better mother to my son and upcoming child and I'm committed to having a cordial and even close relationship with her as the mother of my children. She is the perfect mother and I absolutely mean that. She's not vicious, nor am I and our children will 100% be prioritized. We wouldn't be one of these parents badmouthing each other to the kids or in custody battles, etc.
Let me say that if we had no kids, I'd be long gone already. And if we just had my one 3-year-old and she wasn't currently pregnant, I'd have told her already late last year when I decided I had enough.
I'm in a bittersweet struggle here within myself. On one end, I'm am honestly excited about my current son having a new brother or sister. On the other hand, I have no idea what the best way to move forward here and when to tell my wife.
1 three-year-old son
1 newborn on the way.
As tragic as it sounds and I admit it is, I'm 100% certain that I'm leaving.
Let me just say that when I do leave, I'll plan to live in the very same neighborhood of the city we live in (no more than a 10 minute walking distance) so that I'm close to my children and will be able to see them and help my wife out when the new baby is born and for the years after when it comes to the kids splitting time between my wife and me.
Back in very late 2012, 9 months after our son was born, I had informed my wife that I wanted a divorce but I never actually went through with it. She was pretty devastated for the first month or so, begged me to go to marriage counseling, which I refused, but I continued to sleep in the spare bedroom of our apartment so that I could be close to my son as he wasn't even a year old yet. Wife and I had a cordial relationship in the year after I broke this news to her, never fought about it in front of or brought the issues up in front of our son and respected each other for a year all the way through 2013.
The idea of my son growing up in a broken home crushed me and although I was still leaning toward divorce, I felt I owed it to try the marriage counseling with her. We did this for several months in the winter and spring of 2014. Things were better for about a month after the counseling, but then went very rapidly downhill again by the summer of 2014.
We took a trip to see some family last autumn and it was at this time that I realized I was emotionally just finished with the marriage with her. We had a rare sexual encounter during that trip and we found out a month later she was pregnant and she's now 5 months in. I of course was shocked, but right away I looked at it in a positive way in that my current 3-year-old son wouldn't be going through the "mommy and daddy live in different houses" ride during his childhood by himself, so no regrets that I have another kid on the way and am very excited for the new boy/girl.
While there are several issues with wife and I, it's always been about the lack of a sexual relationship on her part. It's clear that this is something that she just isn't capable of fixing. Even in the marriage counseling it became clear that she needed to take action or the marriage would be in trouble. They recommended her all kinds of things to try, books to read and with me obviously having to be involved and supporting, which I did try and plead with her. This came from both our counselors directed at her but she took no responsibility and no initiative and I'm just done here.
The problem has always come down to a lack of closeness and sex and this has gone on our entire marriage actually -- even way before our marriage. It's something that would always come up, she'd promise to improve in that area but has never actually made a true effort. It's now exploded to the point where I'm absolutely convinced that I'm done. I've crossed the bridge and I'm just done and there is no going back for me. I do not want to be married to someone who's incapable of showing her love to me at all physically (obviously I'm referring to before the point when she was even pregnant) and I don't want my kids growing up in a home where I'm completely resenting my wife and there is zero love being shown between us. We are absolutely completely disconnected and I'm not doing the marriage counseling again.
I'm 100% committed to supporting and being involved in every aspect of my children's lives. This is not at all about escaping the children aspect. This is completely between myself and my wife. We both love our son and unborn child unconditionally!
2 options I'm weighing here:
Tell her I'll be separating from her once the baby is born and offer to stay in the apartment in the spare bedroom until the 2nd child is born and even for a couple of months after the child is born before I move out.
Consider her emotional health and that of our unborn child and don't tell her until after the pregnancy, telling her within a few weeks after the baby is born and moving out soon after, again offering to stay in the spare bedroom until her and the new baby get settled.
Do I do it now, do I wait for our second child to be born
She's a great mother to our 3-year-old son and he adores her. I honestly couldn't ask for a better mother to my son and upcoming child and I'm committed to having a cordial and even close relationship with her as the mother of my children. She is the perfect mother and I absolutely mean that. She's not vicious, nor am I and our children will 100% be prioritized. We wouldn't be one of these parents badmouthing each other to the kids or in custody battles, etc.
Let me say that if we had no kids, I'd be long gone already. And if we just had my one 3-year-old and she wasn't currently pregnant, I'd have told her already late last year when I decided I had enough.
I'm in a bittersweet struggle here within myself. On one end, I'm am honestly excited about my current son having a new brother or sister. On the other hand, I have no idea what the best way to move forward here and when to tell my wife.
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