If you prick us, do we not bleed?
If you tickle us, do we not laugh?
If you poison us, do we not die?
Shakespeare
Not to minimize what other members here are going through but there are times that I wish that my H would flagrantly cheat or even strike me. How horrible is that? How twisted have I become that either of those things is preferable to the despair I face day after day? How can I pray for those things to happen to be able to leave him and take my children with me?
Some days I feel like it is all my fault and I "literally" prostrate myself before him and beg his forgiveness only to be told that I never apologize or admit my wrongs. (If I bring up the things HE does those things are still my fault. He is "trying to get better") It is true that I have many MANY wrongs and I do admit to them and I do try to change although change is slow and often sabotaged and feels unnatural. I am told weekly that if and when we divorce that he will ALLOW me to take the littlest one but that he will take the oldest because DS and I "don't" get along.
I have been told that I am "unbelievable" and if I ask him why I might act the way I do it is because "that's just the way I am --- crazy". I have been told that I can't expect to hold a job because I can't even keep the house clean. If I stand up for myself I am called crazy (and recently a *unt) if I back down and withdraw then I don't love him anymore. If I refuse to engage in his verbal abuse then I am "stonewalling and uncommunicative". I have been told by both him and my oldest DH to "go take my medicine" (anxiety meds 3x per day) If I try to play it off like I don't care he accuses me of "checking out". and "not even trying" If I break down and cry and ask him to stop degrading me and our children he says it's no more than I deserve. If I ignore his "advice" on something I am stupid and an idiot for not "making myself a better person". Sometimes I try to treat him like he treats me so that he "sees how it feels" but he just uses it against me and I feel like a po or role model for the kids. My little DS asks me alot why I am crying and I have to tell him I have a boo boo. I am not really lying...my heart is breaking. When H and I fight I freeze mostly and I have a hard time thinking. He threatens divorce, to kick me out all the time. If I ask him to leave he refuses. Thank god we don't sleep together anymore.
So many things have happened. I have been encouraged by my friends to leave him. To find a shelter. I haven't and now I feel like I am burdening them with my problems. I have not socialized with anyone other than my father and aunt and children, even on facebook, because I can't bear to show people how low I have sunk.
I feel like I am being poisoned against life. I am being poisoned against my friends and family. I can't bear his rants and rages on every topic from how our few friends are f ups to how oil speculators are ruining the country. He is very mean spirited.
Can somebody tell me, if you haven't stopped reading yet, if I AM crazy? I try to take care of myself but then I am either spending too much, not spending enoough time working around the house, too much time on the computer, knitting too much...even finding a job is directed (and often scorned). I just don't know what to do. I started seeing a counselor but had to stop to lack of insurance... I am lost.
If you tickle us, do we not laugh?
If you poison us, do we not die?
Shakespeare
Not to minimize what other members here are going through but there are times that I wish that my H would flagrantly cheat or even strike me. How horrible is that? How twisted have I become that either of those things is preferable to the despair I face day after day? How can I pray for those things to happen to be able to leave him and take my children with me?
Some days I feel like it is all my fault and I "literally" prostrate myself before him and beg his forgiveness only to be told that I never apologize or admit my wrongs. (If I bring up the things HE does those things are still my fault. He is "trying to get better") It is true that I have many MANY wrongs and I do admit to them and I do try to change although change is slow and often sabotaged and feels unnatural. I am told weekly that if and when we divorce that he will ALLOW me to take the littlest one but that he will take the oldest because DS and I "don't" get along.
I have been told that I am "unbelievable" and if I ask him why I might act the way I do it is because "that's just the way I am --- crazy". I have been told that I can't expect to hold a job because I can't even keep the house clean. If I stand up for myself I am called crazy (and recently a *unt) if I back down and withdraw then I don't love him anymore. If I refuse to engage in his verbal abuse then I am "stonewalling and uncommunicative". I have been told by both him and my oldest DH to "go take my medicine" (anxiety meds 3x per day) If I try to play it off like I don't care he accuses me of "checking out". and "not even trying" If I break down and cry and ask him to stop degrading me and our children he says it's no more than I deserve. If I ignore his "advice" on something I am stupid and an idiot for not "making myself a better person". Sometimes I try to treat him like he treats me so that he "sees how it feels" but he just uses it against me and I feel like a po or role model for the kids. My little DS asks me alot why I am crying and I have to tell him I have a boo boo. I am not really lying...my heart is breaking. When H and I fight I freeze mostly and I have a hard time thinking. He threatens divorce, to kick me out all the time. If I ask him to leave he refuses. Thank god we don't sleep together anymore.
So many things have happened. I have been encouraged by my friends to leave him. To find a shelter. I haven't and now I feel like I am burdening them with my problems. I have not socialized with anyone other than my father and aunt and children, even on facebook, because I can't bear to show people how low I have sunk.
I feel like I am being poisoned against life. I am being poisoned against my friends and family. I can't bear his rants and rages on every topic from how our few friends are f ups to how oil speculators are ruining the country. He is very mean spirited.
Can somebody tell me, if you haven't stopped reading yet, if I AM crazy? I try to take care of myself but then I am either spending too much, not spending enoough time working around the house, too much time on the computer, knitting too much...even finding a job is directed (and often scorned). I just don't know what to do. I started seeing a counselor but had to stop to lack of insurance... I am lost.
Put the internet to work for you.
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