want a woman's insight

My wife and I have been married 15 years, together 20. We have 3 kids, 11, 11, and 5. I was a person who really didn't care what people thought and did what I did. I know realize that was inconsiderate to everyone around me especially her. Here's my side. I thought everything was fine and 2 years ago I got her a Kindle because she likes to read. When she read 50 shades, she said it reminded her how she felt to be with me. I was falling in love with her again. We had a good few months. She joined some boards that were adult themed. She was working out and looked good. I even bought a swing. We were doing more then sex we started going out more and enjoyed being with each other. She then started to get into Facebook and her books all the time. We then started to argue and then we had some major set backs. For the next year we tried at different times, but never together. I would go sleep in the spare room for about a month then c ome back and try again. I was having irrational fits of rage. I believe these were because I had a serious head injury 3 years ago. I came out of it to bliss then it got bad and I could handle it. Well after about a year of this I said I'm done and leaving a couple of times. She stopped wearing her wedding ring. I know I was an ahole. That is when the light went on. I changed and she now admits I did. I try being affectionate, it was to much and repulsed her. I gave her room like she asked and I was being distant. She had built a wall. This is her defense mechanism and she is good at it. i have seen it with both her parents. She says she is fine with the family dynamic. She talks to me fine like a roommate but nothing about us. I have been told she loves me but is not in love with me, she doesn't know if she wants a partner, everything I like doing is by myself, and she hasn't felt when I told her she's beautiful or I love you that I mean it. I was giving her her space like she asked. Oh ya she being sleeping with the 5 year old for 2 months. I asked to take her out for valentine's day and her bday and got in thinking seperation. I asked her if we could start talking about us. we haven't done councilING because I convinced her to see one and she came back with its a midlife crisis, you got married young(25), you thought about this and are confident in your discussion. I'm going to try to get her to go for marriage counciling. How far gone is she? Thanks

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