I split up with a girl (I'm 20, she's 19) I had been seeing for around 18 months in September because we were going to University and we both were worried that we would miss out on 'University life' by being together and having a 6 hour distance between us. We did however, end on a great note and were more than happy to 'discuss how things were at Christmas' and talked every day for the first 6 weeks or so.
That said, being brutally honest, I was a complete dick to her in parts of our relationship. I cheated on her (very regrettably) in the first month or two of our relationship, and she found out around 6-8 months later (Again, I was spineless and should have told her - or simply not done it). We got through it after I worked continuously but there were still trust issues obviously. She was a virgin when I first got together with her and despite having relations with quite a few other girls, I've never had such a connection with someone and have a bit of a fear of relationships. It's only now that I've matured enough to the extent where I feel I can fully commit to someone.
Since trying to speak to her again, I've had a few problems due to the fact that I've said a few things when drunk and taken flirting with her a little bit too far to the extent that she said she just wants space from me at the moment and thinks I need the space to get over her. She didn't want to see me at Christmas in case her feelings were to come back and then be left in a precarious scenario. This was 6 weeks ago.
As she always made a really unsubtle hint about getting her flowers etc. I'm throwing my final throw of the dice here and getting her some really nice flowers as well as writing her a handwritten letter. I just wanted some thoughts on the letter - I don't want to come across too strong like I have previously, I want to be more concise and brutally honest. *Just like to add that I'm focussing on my own faults here (she had flaws too) and I'm more than aware how much of a complete and utter ball bag I am/was.
Quote:
XXXXXXX,
Firstly, it's probably a good idea to say that this isn't like the last letter I sent you; it's far less 'please take me back' and more reflective if anything. I know you're probably sick of me by now, but I left it as long as I could before messaging you. A large part of this letter will be somewhat familiar to what I've said in the past however, I think that the 5/6 weeks we haven't spoken has given me time to digest things a lot more and hopefully given you the space you wanted. My main hope for this letter is one final grasping of straws to contact you and have at least some form of communication with you. I promise you that I won't message you again after this if you don't reach out to me, XXXXXX.
I'm not going to be naive anymore and think that I can win you back with meaningless words, I don't think either of us need to go through that any further - especially when I'm drunk. Since getting to University, I'd like to think I've changed as a person for the better and I definitely have you to thank for that. I'm not going to say how perfect our relationship was and how we should always be together etc, but I can at least take solace in the fact that I'm a better person for knowing you and having you in my life.
Since getting to University, I'd like to think that I've addressed a few of my quite apparent flaws; a major one being my gambling. Although I've said sorry for being a complete and utter dickhead to you at times, I haven't addressed my general neglect towards you, in that, we never got to go out places, I was distant at birthdays etc and how it was always you travelling to me (albeit, for different reasons in the end). I was completely selfish and upon realising that, I haven't gambled since and I don't plan on doing.
I've also changed how I see girls and relationships in general, and can finally appreciate why you were always so protective and fierce (in a complementary way) towards me when it came to other girls. Through my experiences at Uni and fighting over silly little girls, I guess I've learnt how important trust is within a relationship and I don't think I ever got that back from you after the whole XXXXXX situation; however looking back, I never really gave you a reason to trust me again - I still talked to girls even though you voiced how upset it made you. I never really reciprocated the protective and fierce way you were towards me, simply because I trusted you without any exceptions or scenarios. That said, I've never been as angry when you told me about the guy who messed you around and said awful things in the club you were in. As tragic as it sounds, I would have literally jumped on the train there and then to tell him what I thought of him had you let me. I guess I'd just be more protective of you now simply because I'd know what it's like to not have you in some way or form in my life.
It's kind of sad that I've pushed you away when trying to be closer to you, I just hope you appreciate that my intentions were always honest and true, even if slightly incoherent and jumbled. I do however think that some of the things I said confused you to the extent where you felt like you had to overly state that you didn't want to lead me on when actually I was aware that you wouldn't necessarily want to completely resume things, despite how well they ended before University. I really would be lying if I said that I don't think about you every single day XXXXXX, you were the best thing that ever happened to me and it's my biggest regret that I didn't realise sooner. I really deserve nothing from you from how I've treated you in the past, and I don't even dispute that. There were so many points in our relationship where you deserved better than me and frankly, should have had better than me and I wish I could have given that to you more than anything.
I don't feel like I've actually said what I wanted to come of 'us' from my drunken ramblings to you or in this letter, and I think that's where one of the problems may actually lie. I don't want or expect to send this letter to you and then you suddenly say 'OK, let's get back together'; I simply want you in my life again, I've never had such a connection with anyone before (friends, girlfriends, family members, whatever); I want to see what happens when we talk again, when we can just flirt with each other and can tell each other everything; I want to go out places with you, like on actual dates, and sulk when you beat me at bowling as always (I still despite the awful game) or get dressed up again (any excuse to wear my many blazers) and take you out for dinner. If anything, I just want to tell you about my flatmates and how I'm actually following through with transferring from XXXX (I got an offer from XXXXX and only need a 3rd to transfer despite A*AA general admissions, plus an offer from XXXXXX but I need a 1st) and also that I got a MacBook! (Just like to say I'm sorry for ever giving you stick about getting one because mine is so awesome, not going to lie).
I hope you like the flowers I sent you, I hope you don't mind they aren't roses (Valentines day and what not), but I don't think I could go any more cliche than the letter. I think you'll like they anyway, I spent around 3 hours picking the 'right' ones.
I feel so pompous and pretentious writing this letter, but I'm struggling to find the exact words for what I want to say without coming across as such. There's so much more I want to say, but I'm not sure how much else you want to read. I guess all I can really say is that for a final time, I really am sorry for everything. I genuinely love you so much, XXXXX, and the distance of being away from you hasn't changed that in the slightest.
Hopefully talk soon,
Love XXXX
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