For whatever it is worth I would like to add my tale of coping with infidelity. I have lurked on CWI (and other boards) for almost two years now. Over this time I have found solace from the wisdom, kindness, and sometimes brutal honesty that posters have brought to CWI :). At times I have almost posted but it never felt like I was "ready". To be honest, I am still not sure why I am posting but I do hope that some might find some lessons, hope, or perspective in the story.
This is a story of long term reconciliation of sorts (some might debate applying that term here). My wife and I have been together 32 years, married almost 30 years now, with two DS (14 and 17). Our first ten years together were spent partly apart in different schools and partly travelling the world in search of adventure. After returning to "settle down" we both struggled to readjust our lives and our relationship to this new context. There were arguments and resentments but there were many good times as well. Soon my fWW had two affairs at work the first an EA (co-worker) and the second an EA/PA (supervisor).
The Affairs
The first EA was built from W confiding our marital troubles to a coworker that she commuted with. Unknown to me he began to leave her flowers and love notes at work, which she "laughed off" even when her other coworkers noticed. In reality she loved the attention. After a few months of this they went for a hike one day while I was across the country on work. That evening they came back to our house to play music (both play instruments). From what I know nothing physical happened aside from him trying to kiss her as he left (she dodged that). She told me the day I returned and was very apologetic. Commuting with him stopped but they continued to work at the same place. By and large it was rugswept and we went on with life. :rolleyes:
The second affair with her boss was a little over one year after the first affair ended. Ironically enough it also had a component of driving together to work (yes, I am amazed at how I learned nothing from the first time! :scratchhead:). OM2 pursued her, subtly at first but more aggressively later on, for 6 months. The magic ingredients of attention and praise were in play once again. It culminated in a morning where W declared love for OM2 at work and a sexual rendezvous that afternoon in the forest. Once the physical part began that day, W now insists that she quickly realized she was not "in love" and something was not right but (as she explains it) she felt obligated to live up to her declaration of love / give him some pleasure. Apparently disappointing me, or our marriage, or her own values took a back seat (or no seat for that matter) there. :o
According to W just after they finished it hit her again how terribly wrong this was (convenient timing :scratchhead:). She insisted on telling me that night what had happened (despite OM2's pleas not to tell me). That was the most awful night of my life. I have been in some pretty life-threatening situations in remote places before but nothing has even come close to the shock, pain, and utter destruction that came with that night. W sat me down in our bedroom and told me of her EA with OM2 and what had happened that day. I was stunned and felt frozen initially. But W was obviously very upset and my protective instincts kicked in. I held her and comforted her for hours while we talked and gave her my unconditional love and support (okay, I see those shaking CWI heads :o). She told me a sanitized and minimized version of the events but it was clear a PA had occurred. I did not push her then as it was clear how upset she was. She announced that in her confusion she was not sure what she wanted to do with our marriage and that she would need a few days to think about it. I did not say anything (can you spell d-o-o-r-m-a-t?). I spent a long, lonely, and traumatizing night sitting up, watching the rain come down in the glow of the streetlight as she slept. :(
The Aftermath
Within a few days W recommitted to our marriage, showing regret but (as I am just now learning) no real remorse. My pain was swept away especially in MC by an MC that focused almost only on her feelings, boundary issues, and causes for the marriage breakdown. I was made to think that my pain was invalid and something I needed to get past (oh, I know how familiar this must sound). She stopped driving with OM2 but continued to work with him (oh, geez can the decisions get any worse?). I would find out many years later that he kept pursuing her, but except for a hand-holding episode nothing else physical happened. After 6 months I insisted she leave the job, but he offered to go instead. I would never know until many years later that for more than a year after the affair "ended" she maintained an EA in her head even writing in her journal that she was sad that "a door of opportunity that I have held just a little open was closing" when she learned the OM was getting married. That is a piece of writing I saw just two years ago and it has seared itself into my soul in a most painful way.
WW pushed all of this under the rug as fast as she could. She wanted to move on and thought having children would be just the recipe. I was very reluctant, given all of the turmoil (and my pain inside that I barely was willing to recognize). But WW was insistent, and as a good doormat I finally agreed. Two years after the A ended our first son was born, followed by our second son 3 years after that. Once the boys came we both were wrapped up in the wonder and love of raising them and creating a family. Despite my reservations it became a fantastic and wonderful journey for me (and all of us).
A Long Overdue Turning Point
Life went on and actually much of it was wonderful. But inside something was never fully right since that time. Sleep was never sound and some days were covered in a blanket of sadness that I never could understand. Each time I confronted it, it all seemed so long ago and something to just "get over" that I pushed it further under the rug. That lasted until 2.5 years ago. In May 2012 I decided I could no longer hold it all inside. Since that time we have rode a tsunami of emotions. At first, W was reluctant to discuss or even think about the affairs "so long ago" / "ancient history". She even went so far in her fear of having to confront them to say she was not sure she loved me or could love me "forever". As one very wise poster here at CWI has said it was like ripping a bandied off of a wound that had not fully healed.
Much of the first year where we began finally confronting the affairs was spent in trying to reconstruct what had happened (so much of which is forever lost to memory). So many of the things that I read about on CWI happened: TT, HB, suicidal thoughts and plans, rediscovery of our love and affection intense highs and lows. Along with an increasing closeness came many reactions from WW that caused (and continue to cause) much pain. Some details of fWW's stories of the affairs changed many times, as did interpretations of feelings and intents. W made promises to apologize, talk openly, and initiate discussions but her follow through usually lasted only a day or two before it would fade back into old habits of ignoring everything (unless I were to insistently bring it up). We went through 4 different MCs and three ICs for me. Some were a little helpful but honestly most treated the subject of infidelity like the plague (instead insisting on not talking about it but diverting it immediately to exploring childhood issues or communication in the current relationship). In short, thus far I have found counseling to be a waste of time and money (so far). In my case, reading on CWI and other forums have helped so much more. How I wish CWI was here back when it first happened.
For the past year now my W has (for the most part) been remorseful and committed to facing our past demons and moving past them to rebuild a new marriage. It has been a terribly hard journey but I have never felt closer to her. I did discuss divorce at times, but never seriously. Has that been a mistake? At times I think yes. So much of what W has done in the past year has begun with such reluctance (but later embraced) it hurts to often wonder just how much value she really places on us (though she always insists she wants nothing else now than us).
The Present
I remain deeply in love and committed but at times also skeptical and exhausted (the proverbial rollercoaster). I am convinced that although this happened more than 20 years ago for me the clock of "dealing with it" really started 2.5 years ago. Waiting all of these years has made this so much harder. There is no doubt that we should have dealt with this right at the beginning in ways that I've only recently learned from my reading at CWI and elsewhere.
We're making progress. I guess a positive lesson here is that a good life and in many regards a wonderful future - can arise from the ashes of infidelity even when you do so much wrong if the shared base of love and commitment is still there. Despite all that has happened I still feel that my W is an amazing person and I am happy to have shared this journey of life with her (though I could have done without the As). Right now I am still searching for a greater degree of inner peace than what I had after rugsweeping these affairs. Despite riding that roller coaster of emotion if I look at the big picture of the past few years I think I am moving closer to where I would like to be (though as many have said I will never forget). I have learned so much from the WWs posting on here and the perspectives of the BSs. All of you have held my hand, comforted me, and hit me over the head when necessary without even knowing it while I read. Thank you all of you.
This is so much to read. If you have made it this far I thank you again. I have a list of lessons I think I learned and some specific questions but I'll leave them for a bit. It has been emotionally exhausting just to get this far in writing.
This is a story of long term reconciliation of sorts (some might debate applying that term here). My wife and I have been together 32 years, married almost 30 years now, with two DS (14 and 17). Our first ten years together were spent partly apart in different schools and partly travelling the world in search of adventure. After returning to "settle down" we both struggled to readjust our lives and our relationship to this new context. There were arguments and resentments but there were many good times as well. Soon my fWW had two affairs at work the first an EA (co-worker) and the second an EA/PA (supervisor).
The Affairs
The first EA was built from W confiding our marital troubles to a coworker that she commuted with. Unknown to me he began to leave her flowers and love notes at work, which she "laughed off" even when her other coworkers noticed. In reality she loved the attention. After a few months of this they went for a hike one day while I was across the country on work. That evening they came back to our house to play music (both play instruments). From what I know nothing physical happened aside from him trying to kiss her as he left (she dodged that). She told me the day I returned and was very apologetic. Commuting with him stopped but they continued to work at the same place. By and large it was rugswept and we went on with life. :rolleyes:
The second affair with her boss was a little over one year after the first affair ended. Ironically enough it also had a component of driving together to work (yes, I am amazed at how I learned nothing from the first time! :scratchhead:). OM2 pursued her, subtly at first but more aggressively later on, for 6 months. The magic ingredients of attention and praise were in play once again. It culminated in a morning where W declared love for OM2 at work and a sexual rendezvous that afternoon in the forest. Once the physical part began that day, W now insists that she quickly realized she was not "in love" and something was not right but (as she explains it) she felt obligated to live up to her declaration of love / give him some pleasure. Apparently disappointing me, or our marriage, or her own values took a back seat (or no seat for that matter) there. :o
According to W just after they finished it hit her again how terribly wrong this was (convenient timing :scratchhead:). She insisted on telling me that night what had happened (despite OM2's pleas not to tell me). That was the most awful night of my life. I have been in some pretty life-threatening situations in remote places before but nothing has even come close to the shock, pain, and utter destruction that came with that night. W sat me down in our bedroom and told me of her EA with OM2 and what had happened that day. I was stunned and felt frozen initially. But W was obviously very upset and my protective instincts kicked in. I held her and comforted her for hours while we talked and gave her my unconditional love and support (okay, I see those shaking CWI heads :o). She told me a sanitized and minimized version of the events but it was clear a PA had occurred. I did not push her then as it was clear how upset she was. She announced that in her confusion she was not sure what she wanted to do with our marriage and that she would need a few days to think about it. I did not say anything (can you spell d-o-o-r-m-a-t?). I spent a long, lonely, and traumatizing night sitting up, watching the rain come down in the glow of the streetlight as she slept. :(
The Aftermath
Within a few days W recommitted to our marriage, showing regret but (as I am just now learning) no real remorse. My pain was swept away especially in MC by an MC that focused almost only on her feelings, boundary issues, and causes for the marriage breakdown. I was made to think that my pain was invalid and something I needed to get past (oh, I know how familiar this must sound). She stopped driving with OM2 but continued to work with him (oh, geez can the decisions get any worse?). I would find out many years later that he kept pursuing her, but except for a hand-holding episode nothing else physical happened. After 6 months I insisted she leave the job, but he offered to go instead. I would never know until many years later that for more than a year after the affair "ended" she maintained an EA in her head even writing in her journal that she was sad that "a door of opportunity that I have held just a little open was closing" when she learned the OM was getting married. That is a piece of writing I saw just two years ago and it has seared itself into my soul in a most painful way.
WW pushed all of this under the rug as fast as she could. She wanted to move on and thought having children would be just the recipe. I was very reluctant, given all of the turmoil (and my pain inside that I barely was willing to recognize). But WW was insistent, and as a good doormat I finally agreed. Two years after the A ended our first son was born, followed by our second son 3 years after that. Once the boys came we both were wrapped up in the wonder and love of raising them and creating a family. Despite my reservations it became a fantastic and wonderful journey for me (and all of us).
A Long Overdue Turning Point
Life went on and actually much of it was wonderful. But inside something was never fully right since that time. Sleep was never sound and some days were covered in a blanket of sadness that I never could understand. Each time I confronted it, it all seemed so long ago and something to just "get over" that I pushed it further under the rug. That lasted until 2.5 years ago. In May 2012 I decided I could no longer hold it all inside. Since that time we have rode a tsunami of emotions. At first, W was reluctant to discuss or even think about the affairs "so long ago" / "ancient history". She even went so far in her fear of having to confront them to say she was not sure she loved me or could love me "forever". As one very wise poster here at CWI has said it was like ripping a bandied off of a wound that had not fully healed.
Much of the first year where we began finally confronting the affairs was spent in trying to reconstruct what had happened (so much of which is forever lost to memory). So many of the things that I read about on CWI happened: TT, HB, suicidal thoughts and plans, rediscovery of our love and affection intense highs and lows. Along with an increasing closeness came many reactions from WW that caused (and continue to cause) much pain. Some details of fWW's stories of the affairs changed many times, as did interpretations of feelings and intents. W made promises to apologize, talk openly, and initiate discussions but her follow through usually lasted only a day or two before it would fade back into old habits of ignoring everything (unless I were to insistently bring it up). We went through 4 different MCs and three ICs for me. Some were a little helpful but honestly most treated the subject of infidelity like the plague (instead insisting on not talking about it but diverting it immediately to exploring childhood issues or communication in the current relationship). In short, thus far I have found counseling to be a waste of time and money (so far). In my case, reading on CWI and other forums have helped so much more. How I wish CWI was here back when it first happened.
For the past year now my W has (for the most part) been remorseful and committed to facing our past demons and moving past them to rebuild a new marriage. It has been a terribly hard journey but I have never felt closer to her. I did discuss divorce at times, but never seriously. Has that been a mistake? At times I think yes. So much of what W has done in the past year has begun with such reluctance (but later embraced) it hurts to often wonder just how much value she really places on us (though she always insists she wants nothing else now than us).
The Present
I remain deeply in love and committed but at times also skeptical and exhausted (the proverbial rollercoaster). I am convinced that although this happened more than 20 years ago for me the clock of "dealing with it" really started 2.5 years ago. Waiting all of these years has made this so much harder. There is no doubt that we should have dealt with this right at the beginning in ways that I've only recently learned from my reading at CWI and elsewhere.
We're making progress. I guess a positive lesson here is that a good life and in many regards a wonderful future - can arise from the ashes of infidelity even when you do so much wrong if the shared base of love and commitment is still there. Despite all that has happened I still feel that my W is an amazing person and I am happy to have shared this journey of life with her (though I could have done without the As). Right now I am still searching for a greater degree of inner peace than what I had after rugsweeping these affairs. Despite riding that roller coaster of emotion if I look at the big picture of the past few years I think I am moving closer to where I would like to be (though as many have said I will never forget). I have learned so much from the WWs posting on here and the perspectives of the BSs. All of you have held my hand, comforted me, and hit me over the head when necessary without even knowing it while I read. Thank you all of you.
This is so much to read. If you have made it this far I thank you again. I have a list of lessons I think I learned and some specific questions but I'll leave them for a bit. It has been emotionally exhausting just to get this far in writing.
Put the internet to work for you.
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