Hi everyone, I just registered here after reading many other posts and experience so I decided to share mine. This might be long, but any advice or words of insight from experience would be appreciated.
Background: My wife and I knew each other in high school, but didn't date and were only casual friends. We lost touch over the years and reconnected when we were 30 years old. (via FB) We started dating after having both been married before (my wife passed away from cancer) her husband got in trouble with the law. We hit it off fast as we had a lot in common and weren't total strangers to each other since we knew each other previously many years ago.
We started dating in early 2009 and really fell hard for each other fast and were engaged by the end of 2009. Married in fall 2010 and had a baby in July 2013.
So those are the basics.
The issue: From almost the beginning of our relationship, my wife has been a generally negative person. She is the type that sees the glass half empty and expects the worst in any situation. This is very much the opposite of me but something I didn't think was as initially as serious as it actually is. This negativity has manifested itself in a variety of ways throughout the course of our relationship and for the first couple of years I would always attribute her negativity and unhappiness to something going on in our lives.
For example: We initially were living apart in different states and I figured thats why she was unhappy, then it was she was home sick, then it was she doesn't like her job, then it was ...I always attributed her behavior/attitude to something. So we worked on correcting whatever was the seeming cause of the unhappiness, but none of that seemed to really change much for her.
This went on for some time and eventually I started to wonder if the negativity was part of who she was and not something external causing it. While I always asked her about her feelings and if anything was wrong, I finally voiced my concern about things about 2 years in to the relationship. She acknowledged my feelings and bought a book about dealing with negativity. Things improved for a few weeks but then went right back to how they were and she told me the book sucked and she didnt finish reading it.
The same pattern of unhappiness and negativity continued but at this point I was seeing the negativity come out in other forms. Now I was seeing her lash out at people, talk behind peoples backs and she didn't discriminate. This was aimed towards her family, my family, strangers and myself. She would criticize anything she could find and would be rare to hear her say something nice. A couple of quick examples, although there are countless of these:
Now there are certainly times that are fine and life is good and this is when we got pregnant, but overall the negativity has been an overall constant.
So fast forward to last year (september 2013). Our son is 3 months old at this point and things are still not good unfortunately. It was at this point that my wife calls me at work (as she usually does) but I am not at my desk, so she hangs up...or so she thinks. I get back to my desk and listen to a voicemail that she accidentally leaves for me. I hear her trashing my brother (who is a paraplegic and confined to a wheelchair along with a brain injury) and how he "ruined her wedding". She is telling a coworker of hers how my brother ruined the wedding because he can't fly to the carribbean and go on the beach and how she was going to "use that against me" in whatever argument she had for me next. My brother is the most harmless person in the world and literally likes everything so he would never say a bad thing about anyone. So to hear him get trashed for such a petty reason was heartbreaking. This was when for the 2nd time I sat my wife down and told her that something has t o change or the relationship will not last. I asked her to go to a counselor with me.
She agreed and we went to a counselor. We went to 1 session and as soon as we left the building my wife said, this is not for me I'm not going anymore. So I offered to find a different counselor and she said, "no, this is more of a me issue than us and I will get my own counselor". I said Ok, I will do whatever it takes. She never went to a counselor, never made an attempt.
So now it's Fall of 2013 and my wife is back at work and our son is in daycare 3 days a week. It's expensive as hell so my mom offers to watch our son twice a week. It saves us a ton of money and this is her first grandchild so she is thrilled to do it. Here is where we run in to more major issues. My wife made it impossible on my family the entire time since our son was born. She laid down rules like:
Literally all of these things are verbatim and I tried to make compromises as they were based on nothing in reality. My mom was formerly a full time nanny and currently runs a non-profit for kids who have disabilities. So she knows how to watch a baby. And yes my brother shouldn't be left unsupervised since he has his own medical issues, but how am I supposed to tell my only brother he can't touch his nephew even when Im there?? It just didn't make sense to me and I was left trying to defend and make compromises for her behavior.
My patience was really wearing thin and I was beginning to think the worst in terms of the potential for this marriage long term. I tried to work out compromises with my wife and the big one was centered around my mom and putting our son in the car from time to time. The compromise was my mom would not leave the house at all, would not take him anywhere until he was at least 9 months old and it became spring. At that point my wife said she could take him to the park, or quick errands close to home. This would help us as it would allow my mom to still watch our son twice a week but still get a few things done so she can run her business the other 3 days a week. it seemed to work for everyone. The spring finally comes and my mom mentions to me she'd like to take our son to the park. I say ok, that was the deal. I mention this to my wife and she flips out and says, "no, I said I would think about it when the summer comes". I lost it at this point as she and I both knew she made an agreement and absolutely said spring time. This was the first time I felt like she flat out lied to me to get what she wanted.
It was at this point that my mom told us that she doesn't know if she can keep helping us with the baby with all of these unreasonable restrictions put on her by my wife. So I discussed with my wife, what about we sign up for full time daycare (which will cost us a ton) and that a couple fridays during a month my mom will watch our son. She agreed to this instantly. Fast forward 2 weeks. We sign up for full time daycare and she this is when says to me...."yeah I don't want your mom picking our son up at all. She can pick him up on days I work late and when it will help me out. " I was heartbroken again that she got what she wanted and then backed out of what she agreed to.
It was at this point (this past may) that I then said this is it, if we don't see a counselor this marriage is over. I made myself very clear. She asked to see a counselor on her own which she actually did this time and I finally had something to grasp on to that maybe something, anything would change this time.
Where things got worse: It is now July 2014 and my wife has been seeing a counselor for a few weeks at this point and again on her best behavior for the most part... It's a wednesday night, it's after work and we're sitting on the couch. We both leave our phones out all the time however our son LOVES to grab them an put them in his mouth. So it happens again, my son grabs my wifes phone from the couch and before he can put it in his mouth I grab it from him. As soon as I do this my wife grabs her phone from me.....which is VERY odd as we both use each others phones, laptops, etc..As she grabbed it from me I see the screen and a text message from a name I don't immediately recognize. Let's call him "John". I don't say anything and don't react to her grabbing the phone. But I'm thinking "that was a very odd reaction". So the night goes on and we're sitting next to each other the whole time. Eventually I get up to grab something from the car and when I get back she has left the couch and the cell phone is gone. She's in the kitchen acting totally normal. Fast forward to the end of the night. This is when she goes to wash up for bed. I did something at this point I have never had to think I would do and I looked at my wifes cell phone to see if she was hiding something from me. I opened her text messages and they are ordered by most recent.....nothing from John today. or yesterday....or any of her most recent texts aren't from him. So I know she deleted something. I check to make sure she's not coming and proceed to scroll down to see if there are ANY messages from John. I eventually find him from about 2 weeks prior. The last 2 messages in her phone from him were a picture and a video. A picture of a **** and a video of him (I presume) jerking off. My stomach sank and I thought I was going to throw up on the spot. I put the phone down and tried to act as normal as possible for the rest of the night.
I then researched how to recover text messages and figured it out the next day. So that night, I did the same thing when I had the chance at her phone. I was able to recover the last few weeks worth of messages and I saw all sorts of sexting and emotional messages back and forth between the two of them. She said things like "I think I am obsessed with your penis". "I miss you, a lot", "I get butterflies in my stomach thinking about you". After he sent the jerk off video, she told him how wet she was and how she just came twice. I couldn't see any more than a few weeks of the actual texts but looking at the phone/data records I know this has been going on for at least 6 months at this point. This includes her sending pictures/videos to him (although I can't find what she sent). The guy is a surgeon who she use to work with and I have actually met him years ago.
Where I am today: I am not the type to react without thinking first so I didnt say a word for over two weeks as I decided what to do next. I saw a lawyer to understand my options and then on August 1st I told her everything I was feeling about our relationship that I just described here above. I didn't say anything about the text messages but ended it with..."Is there anything you want to tell me". She of course said no, what do you mean? So I said, let me help you...
Me: "Hows your friend John?"
Her: "Fine I guess, why?"
Me: "When was the last time you spoke to him?"
Her: "I don't know, a few weeks ago?"
Me: "Yeah, what about?"
Her: "Just normal stuff, how are you, hows work type of stuff"
Me:"yeah? Nothing else?"
Her: "Well sometimes he'll text me when he's at work and bored and says dumb stuff like he's horny or whatever"
Me:"Oh? Why would he text you that?"
Her: "He and I have been friends from way back and he knows that I'll respond and mess with him as friends"
Me:"Oh as friends? Now I'm going to give you a chance to be honest. Is there anything you want to tell me. And before you answer...just know that I know more than you think I do"
Her: "No thats it, he would mess around and I would say stuff back to see his reaction"
Me: "You're lying and I know you are. Want to try again?"
Her: "I swear thats all!"
This is when I start reading her the texts and asking if this sounds familiar. At first she "doesn't remember" and then she starts to say yeah I said that. Very timidly. No tears, no real remorse except to say...yeah thats real ****ed up, I know I messed up. I asked her what she sent him a picture of. She first said she never sent any pictures (she sent at least 3 from what I can tell) and then she said she can't remember but it was probably a face picture. I said, you sent it two weeks ago...how do you not remember? I asked how long it's been going on....she can't remember. I asked her if she met in person...she says they didnt.
At this point I told her the marriage was over and I would be filing for divorce. This is when her tears started flowing and the begging began. My lawyer said do not leave the house and thus I have been sleeping in the basement since that day.
My Problem: I haven't actually filed for divorce yet. I know in my heart that I should but she has been acting as good as can be since that day, even though she is still not telling me the truth about things I ask her. The main reason is that I can't stand the thought of not seeing my son every day. It tears me apart just thinking about it. On top of that, I don't have a lot of money and divorce will certainly wreck me financially.
When we're apart I get upset and know I need to divorce but when I'm back home and around my son and she's crying to me I start to waiver. I don't want to hurt her by following through with the divorce but I don't love her anymore, not like a husband should. I am not the type to hold a grudge and I would like to be cordial and a good co-parent with her but to view her as a partner and wife ever again..I don't see it. Yet I still can't go through with it and I'm stuck in this weird limbo state. We are in counseling together now for the past few months and I want to give my all but I don't have the desire or drive to do anything more than go through the motions. I just feel "different" about her now. I don't trust her, don't respect her like I once did and don't love her like I once did.
Am I being a pushover for not following through here? Can she actually change for good? I appreciate anyone that read all the way through. It was therapeutic just typing this all out.
Background: My wife and I knew each other in high school, but didn't date and were only casual friends. We lost touch over the years and reconnected when we were 30 years old. (via FB) We started dating after having both been married before (my wife passed away from cancer) her husband got in trouble with the law. We hit it off fast as we had a lot in common and weren't total strangers to each other since we knew each other previously many years ago.
We started dating in early 2009 and really fell hard for each other fast and were engaged by the end of 2009. Married in fall 2010 and had a baby in July 2013.
So those are the basics.
The issue: From almost the beginning of our relationship, my wife has been a generally negative person. She is the type that sees the glass half empty and expects the worst in any situation. This is very much the opposite of me but something I didn't think was as initially as serious as it actually is. This negativity has manifested itself in a variety of ways throughout the course of our relationship and for the first couple of years I would always attribute her negativity and unhappiness to something going on in our lives.
For example: We initially were living apart in different states and I figured thats why she was unhappy, then it was she was home sick, then it was she doesn't like her job, then it was ...I always attributed her behavior/attitude to something. So we worked on correcting whatever was the seeming cause of the unhappiness, but none of that seemed to really change much for her.
This went on for some time and eventually I started to wonder if the negativity was part of who she was and not something external causing it. While I always asked her about her feelings and if anything was wrong, I finally voiced my concern about things about 2 years in to the relationship. She acknowledged my feelings and bought a book about dealing with negativity. Things improved for a few weeks but then went right back to how they were and she told me the book sucked and she didnt finish reading it.
The same pattern of unhappiness and negativity continued but at this point I was seeing the negativity come out in other forms. Now I was seeing her lash out at people, talk behind peoples backs and she didn't discriminate. This was aimed towards her family, my family, strangers and myself. She would criticize anything she could find and would be rare to hear her say something nice. A couple of quick examples, although there are countless of these:
- She refused to go with me to meet my grandmother. She lives about 3 hours away and I hadn't seen her in some time and she never met my wife. However my wife refused to meet her saying she has no interest in wasting her day off to meet her.
- Her mothers power went out. I asked my wife if we should call her to see if she wanted to come over or of she needed anything. She said "absolutely not, I don't want her coming over here
- My mother wanted to establish a relationship with her from the very beginning of us dating. She invited my wife to a spa day. She said no. She said, ok how about a shopping trip? She said no. Finally my mom said, what about just lunch. Again...no. No real reason given, just "thats not something she wants to do".
- I was working hard on starting a 2nd business and when I made a big break through I was excited to share the news with my wife. Her first words out of her mouth. "How come you didn't make any money off of that? Are you sure you know what you're doing?" No, "that's great!" Nothing remotely close to that.
Now there are certainly times that are fine and life is good and this is when we got pregnant, but overall the negativity has been an overall constant.
So fast forward to last year (september 2013). Our son is 3 months old at this point and things are still not good unfortunately. It was at this point that my wife calls me at work (as she usually does) but I am not at my desk, so she hangs up...or so she thinks. I get back to my desk and listen to a voicemail that she accidentally leaves for me. I hear her trashing my brother (who is a paraplegic and confined to a wheelchair along with a brain injury) and how he "ruined her wedding". She is telling a coworker of hers how my brother ruined the wedding because he can't fly to the carribbean and go on the beach and how she was going to "use that against me" in whatever argument she had for me next. My brother is the most harmless person in the world and literally likes everything so he would never say a bad thing about anyone. So to hear him get trashed for such a petty reason was heartbreaking. This was when for the 2nd time I sat my wife down and told her that something has t o change or the relationship will not last. I asked her to go to a counselor with me.
She agreed and we went to a counselor. We went to 1 session and as soon as we left the building my wife said, this is not for me I'm not going anymore. So I offered to find a different counselor and she said, "no, this is more of a me issue than us and I will get my own counselor". I said Ok, I will do whatever it takes. She never went to a counselor, never made an attempt.
So now it's Fall of 2013 and my wife is back at work and our son is in daycare 3 days a week. It's expensive as hell so my mom offers to watch our son twice a week. It saves us a ton of money and this is her first grandchild so she is thrilled to do it. Here is where we run in to more major issues. My wife made it impossible on my family the entire time since our son was born. She laid down rules like:
- My mom has to be in the room at all times with our son
- My dad can never be alone with our son
- my Brother not only can't hold our son, he can't touch him
- my mom can't put our son in the car to go anywhere
- my wife needs to give permission to my mom before she can take him outside
Literally all of these things are verbatim and I tried to make compromises as they were based on nothing in reality. My mom was formerly a full time nanny and currently runs a non-profit for kids who have disabilities. So she knows how to watch a baby. And yes my brother shouldn't be left unsupervised since he has his own medical issues, but how am I supposed to tell my only brother he can't touch his nephew even when Im there?? It just didn't make sense to me and I was left trying to defend and make compromises for her behavior.
My patience was really wearing thin and I was beginning to think the worst in terms of the potential for this marriage long term. I tried to work out compromises with my wife and the big one was centered around my mom and putting our son in the car from time to time. The compromise was my mom would not leave the house at all, would not take him anywhere until he was at least 9 months old and it became spring. At that point my wife said she could take him to the park, or quick errands close to home. This would help us as it would allow my mom to still watch our son twice a week but still get a few things done so she can run her business the other 3 days a week. it seemed to work for everyone. The spring finally comes and my mom mentions to me she'd like to take our son to the park. I say ok, that was the deal. I mention this to my wife and she flips out and says, "no, I said I would think about it when the summer comes". I lost it at this point as she and I both knew she made an agreement and absolutely said spring time. This was the first time I felt like she flat out lied to me to get what she wanted.
It was at this point that my mom told us that she doesn't know if she can keep helping us with the baby with all of these unreasonable restrictions put on her by my wife. So I discussed with my wife, what about we sign up for full time daycare (which will cost us a ton) and that a couple fridays during a month my mom will watch our son. She agreed to this instantly. Fast forward 2 weeks. We sign up for full time daycare and she this is when says to me...."yeah I don't want your mom picking our son up at all. She can pick him up on days I work late and when it will help me out. " I was heartbroken again that she got what she wanted and then backed out of what she agreed to.
It was at this point (this past may) that I then said this is it, if we don't see a counselor this marriage is over. I made myself very clear. She asked to see a counselor on her own which she actually did this time and I finally had something to grasp on to that maybe something, anything would change this time.
Where things got worse: It is now July 2014 and my wife has been seeing a counselor for a few weeks at this point and again on her best behavior for the most part... It's a wednesday night, it's after work and we're sitting on the couch. We both leave our phones out all the time however our son LOVES to grab them an put them in his mouth. So it happens again, my son grabs my wifes phone from the couch and before he can put it in his mouth I grab it from him. As soon as I do this my wife grabs her phone from me.....which is VERY odd as we both use each others phones, laptops, etc..As she grabbed it from me I see the screen and a text message from a name I don't immediately recognize. Let's call him "John". I don't say anything and don't react to her grabbing the phone. But I'm thinking "that was a very odd reaction". So the night goes on and we're sitting next to each other the whole time. Eventually I get up to grab something from the car and when I get back she has left the couch and the cell phone is gone. She's in the kitchen acting totally normal. Fast forward to the end of the night. This is when she goes to wash up for bed. I did something at this point I have never had to think I would do and I looked at my wifes cell phone to see if she was hiding something from me. I opened her text messages and they are ordered by most recent.....nothing from John today. or yesterday....or any of her most recent texts aren't from him. So I know she deleted something. I check to make sure she's not coming and proceed to scroll down to see if there are ANY messages from John. I eventually find him from about 2 weeks prior. The last 2 messages in her phone from him were a picture and a video. A picture of a **** and a video of him (I presume) jerking off. My stomach sank and I thought I was going to throw up on the spot. I put the phone down and tried to act as normal as possible for the rest of the night.
I then researched how to recover text messages and figured it out the next day. So that night, I did the same thing when I had the chance at her phone. I was able to recover the last few weeks worth of messages and I saw all sorts of sexting and emotional messages back and forth between the two of them. She said things like "I think I am obsessed with your penis". "I miss you, a lot", "I get butterflies in my stomach thinking about you". After he sent the jerk off video, she told him how wet she was and how she just came twice. I couldn't see any more than a few weeks of the actual texts but looking at the phone/data records I know this has been going on for at least 6 months at this point. This includes her sending pictures/videos to him (although I can't find what she sent). The guy is a surgeon who she use to work with and I have actually met him years ago.
Where I am today: I am not the type to react without thinking first so I didnt say a word for over two weeks as I decided what to do next. I saw a lawyer to understand my options and then on August 1st I told her everything I was feeling about our relationship that I just described here above. I didn't say anything about the text messages but ended it with..."Is there anything you want to tell me". She of course said no, what do you mean? So I said, let me help you...
Me: "Hows your friend John?"
Her: "Fine I guess, why?"
Me: "When was the last time you spoke to him?"
Her: "I don't know, a few weeks ago?"
Me: "Yeah, what about?"
Her: "Just normal stuff, how are you, hows work type of stuff"
Me:"yeah? Nothing else?"
Her: "Well sometimes he'll text me when he's at work and bored and says dumb stuff like he's horny or whatever"
Me:"Oh? Why would he text you that?"
Her: "He and I have been friends from way back and he knows that I'll respond and mess with him as friends"
Me:"Oh as friends? Now I'm going to give you a chance to be honest. Is there anything you want to tell me. And before you answer...just know that I know more than you think I do"
Her: "No thats it, he would mess around and I would say stuff back to see his reaction"
Me: "You're lying and I know you are. Want to try again?"
Her: "I swear thats all!"
This is when I start reading her the texts and asking if this sounds familiar. At first she "doesn't remember" and then she starts to say yeah I said that. Very timidly. No tears, no real remorse except to say...yeah thats real ****ed up, I know I messed up. I asked her what she sent him a picture of. She first said she never sent any pictures (she sent at least 3 from what I can tell) and then she said she can't remember but it was probably a face picture. I said, you sent it two weeks ago...how do you not remember? I asked how long it's been going on....she can't remember. I asked her if she met in person...she says they didnt.
At this point I told her the marriage was over and I would be filing for divorce. This is when her tears started flowing and the begging began. My lawyer said do not leave the house and thus I have been sleeping in the basement since that day.
My Problem: I haven't actually filed for divorce yet. I know in my heart that I should but she has been acting as good as can be since that day, even though she is still not telling me the truth about things I ask her. The main reason is that I can't stand the thought of not seeing my son every day. It tears me apart just thinking about it. On top of that, I don't have a lot of money and divorce will certainly wreck me financially.
When we're apart I get upset and know I need to divorce but when I'm back home and around my son and she's crying to me I start to waiver. I don't want to hurt her by following through with the divorce but I don't love her anymore, not like a husband should. I am not the type to hold a grudge and I would like to be cordial and a good co-parent with her but to view her as a partner and wife ever again..I don't see it. Yet I still can't go through with it and I'm stuck in this weird limbo state. We are in counseling together now for the past few months and I want to give my all but I don't have the desire or drive to do anything more than go through the motions. I just feel "different" about her now. I don't trust her, don't respect her like I once did and don't love her like I once did.
Am I being a pushover for not following through here? Can she actually change for good? I appreciate anyone that read all the way through. It was therapeutic just typing this all out.
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