This is going to be long, so if you don't want to read it all here is the tl;dr - Married for less than 2.5 years and there's already almost no intimacy in my marriage.
So I'm back. I was here over a year ago with a similar title to my post, and a similar story. In a young and virtually sexless marriage, and things don't seem to be changing.
If you're interested, here's my post from last year:
http://ift.tt/12CYud8
Not too long after that post I actually did head to talk to a counselor. However, my wife refused to go with me for the visits saying that she didn't have time or think the counselor could help so she said she felt I was just wasting my money.
Now to the meat of my problem...
Basically I have been married to my wife for almost 2.5 years at this point, in almost two months it will be 2.5 years. We have sex on average less than once a month from September to June. With her job she has summers off, and the sex seems to increase a bit during the summers from about once a month or less to about 2-3 times per a month, if I'm really lucky I might get it twice in one week or one weekend. But I'm giving the averages based on the general activity level. So even during the summer when she isn't working we don't exactly have sex a ton, but it does occur more frequently so I can't complain too much about that. I do try to see the positives in things, so I'm trying to be understanding of the fact that I likely have a high sex drive and she does not.
Now, according to her the main reason we do not have sex much from Sept. to June is because she is very stressed out and busy with work. And when we do have sex, I feel like it's very vanilla. There's no passion. And that's the biggest problem of all because even when we were having sex in the summer there was no passion to it. It was like it was happening just because I wanted it, and it doesn't really feel like she is into it. She says she enjoys it and that it is good, I always try to make sure that she orgasms. I try to make it good, but sex is a two person game so I can only do so much.
As far as passion goes outside of sex, that is lacking too. Even when I just try to get a kiss it is like pulling teeth. Every kiss is a peck. It's quick, brief, passionless. There's not much embracing either.
Now, something I mentioned in my post last year, which is still true, is that I have tried everything that I can think of, everything that I could find on the internet, things from magazines and books, and suggestions from the counselor. I'm generally a romantic guy, my mother-in-law says that I'm like Mel Gibson in the movie "What Women Want", you know after he learns what women want. I can make her laugh, I stay in shape, I have a good job, I'm also trying to start my own company on the side to hopefully have great success there, I stay in really good shape, I love her, I let her know I love her, I surprise her with flowers, poems, notes, texts, pictures, anything I can think of, I take care of her annoying little dog (lol I do love the dog, but definitely would not have it if it weren't for my wife), I make us dinner when need be, and I generally try to do everything I can do be a good husband (and generally a good person - I'm the kind of guy who helps old ladies cross th e street in the snow, or carries their groceries up the stairs - not trying to humble brag, but trying to paint a complete picture). And I'm not perfect by any standards, I have my flaws, I can have a quick temper sometimes, but I try really hard to work on my flaws and try to take things to heart when I know then bother my wife because I like to improve as a person in general and if it's for her all the better.
Now as for my wife, she does work very hard, and I respect and love that. She has a good job and is very smart, and beautiful and sexy. She can be bratty and bossy, but I can deal with that. She can also be very sweet and kind. She's very driven and great with handling money. And honestly, really the only problem I've had with us is the intimacy, but to me, that's half the relationship. Again, it's not just sex, but intimacy overall. Without that, I feel like we are just best friends who cuddle sometimes and live together. But besides that I feel like the sexual attraction, that desire, is non-existent. I'm completely lost at this point on what to do.
At one point last year, I finally convinced her to talk to her doctor, who put her on some type of medication or had her taking a supplement or something, but my wife ended up not liking it or the way it made her feel and so stopped taking it. However, she never went back to the doctors to talk about it, and pretty much just gave up. I also don't think the medicine was doing a whole lot anyways, but I just wish that she would put some sort of effort in. And I think that is what hurts the most, is that no matter how I try to explain to her how much is the hurting me and our relationship, she doesn't care to put in effort or even talk about potential solutions and things that we could do to work on it together.
Something else that I think is part of the problem is that we have been together almost continuously since 2007 so about 7+ years now, but somewhere in the middle we broke up for about a year. That happened because we kept having stupid little "I hate you we're done" then back together the next day type of breakups, and I was really sick of it. So one day we got in a fight about nothing. I remember it like it was yesterday, she was just in one of her moods, and I was with my family that day and she was just mad for who knows what reason and the argument started getting heated. And maybe a week before that I had said that if she were to break up with me again that I would just be done and act as if we were really truly done. So the heated argument progressed and she said "I'm done. We're over". Or something along those lines. I tried to give her time to cool off and said I was going to my friends to watch a football game, which made things worse, but I was sick of being treate d that way. However, my plan was to leave at half time and go see her. But she ended up calling again and saying she hated me and it was definitely over. So at that point I was upset and angry and gave in to peer pressure and started drinking. One thing led to another and I ended up hooking up with a friend of ours. There wasn't sex, just some touching and kissing. About a month later, I finally cracked and told her, I felt horrible about it and hadn't told her because I knew I would lose her. So we broke up for a little over a year. The whole year we talked, fought sometimes, almost got back together a few times, but we almost always kept in touch. She dated other people, I lived the single life. I tried to avoid dating because I knew I loved her and didn't want to end up hurting anyone else. But after about 11 months I ended up dating someone for a bit and had to break it off because I realized that I wasn't over her and would just hurt the girl I was with at the time even more if I kept the relationship going.
Then I stopped talking to my now wife and after another month or two I heard she was single. She contacted me, and we basically went from there. Now I suspected that she never really forgave me for what happened, but she said she did and that it would just take a little time for things to get completely back to normal, and I accepted that. I moved back into the downstairs of her parents house with her. So about 4-5 months later I proposed. I knew I loved and wanted to marry her.
Now one thing I should mention is that when my wife and I were dating the sex was great. It was awesome. It was nothing like it is now. It was frequent and spontaneous and passionate.
I also know that what I did was stupid and awful and I shouldn't have done it, and I feel and felt horrible about it. I tried to do everything I could to make it up to her. Obviously, that took quite some time.
Now, once engaged I thought that maybe the sex would be back to normal, but no it wasn't. It really bothered me, but I tried to understand. She would say that we still live in her parents house so it's a little odd for her and she would promise that it would be okay when we were married and it would all get better. I naively believed that. Marriage came and it didn't get better. Then she would say when we get a house it will get better. Again, I naively believed that. We got a house about 10 months ago, and it still has not gotten better.
And so, here I am, lost and asking for help. I think I may go back to counselor for advice, but even earlier this year when I was talking with the counselor we were starting to talk about whether or not divorce / separation was going to be the only option if my wife refuses to work on this issue. I love her so much and don't want that to be the case, but I also want a family but I will not introduce kids into a broken relationship. I know how that goes as my parents are divorced, and I've seen too many issues with other marriages when people force staying together for the kids. It doesn't work out well, and I refuse to do it. But I'm also heading into my late 20s and would like to start a family.
I'm just not sure what to do...
Any and all advice is GREATLY appreciated, thanked, and welcomed.
So I'm back. I was here over a year ago with a similar title to my post, and a similar story. In a young and virtually sexless marriage, and things don't seem to be changing.
If you're interested, here's my post from last year:
http://ift.tt/12CYud8
Not too long after that post I actually did head to talk to a counselor. However, my wife refused to go with me for the visits saying that she didn't have time or think the counselor could help so she said she felt I was just wasting my money.
Now to the meat of my problem...
Basically I have been married to my wife for almost 2.5 years at this point, in almost two months it will be 2.5 years. We have sex on average less than once a month from September to June. With her job she has summers off, and the sex seems to increase a bit during the summers from about once a month or less to about 2-3 times per a month, if I'm really lucky I might get it twice in one week or one weekend. But I'm giving the averages based on the general activity level. So even during the summer when she isn't working we don't exactly have sex a ton, but it does occur more frequently so I can't complain too much about that. I do try to see the positives in things, so I'm trying to be understanding of the fact that I likely have a high sex drive and she does not.
Now, according to her the main reason we do not have sex much from Sept. to June is because she is very stressed out and busy with work. And when we do have sex, I feel like it's very vanilla. There's no passion. And that's the biggest problem of all because even when we were having sex in the summer there was no passion to it. It was like it was happening just because I wanted it, and it doesn't really feel like she is into it. She says she enjoys it and that it is good, I always try to make sure that she orgasms. I try to make it good, but sex is a two person game so I can only do so much.
As far as passion goes outside of sex, that is lacking too. Even when I just try to get a kiss it is like pulling teeth. Every kiss is a peck. It's quick, brief, passionless. There's not much embracing either.
Now, something I mentioned in my post last year, which is still true, is that I have tried everything that I can think of, everything that I could find on the internet, things from magazines and books, and suggestions from the counselor. I'm generally a romantic guy, my mother-in-law says that I'm like Mel Gibson in the movie "What Women Want", you know after he learns what women want. I can make her laugh, I stay in shape, I have a good job, I'm also trying to start my own company on the side to hopefully have great success there, I stay in really good shape, I love her, I let her know I love her, I surprise her with flowers, poems, notes, texts, pictures, anything I can think of, I take care of her annoying little dog (lol I do love the dog, but definitely would not have it if it weren't for my wife), I make us dinner when need be, and I generally try to do everything I can do be a good husband (and generally a good person - I'm the kind of guy who helps old ladies cross th e street in the snow, or carries their groceries up the stairs - not trying to humble brag, but trying to paint a complete picture). And I'm not perfect by any standards, I have my flaws, I can have a quick temper sometimes, but I try really hard to work on my flaws and try to take things to heart when I know then bother my wife because I like to improve as a person in general and if it's for her all the better.
Now as for my wife, she does work very hard, and I respect and love that. She has a good job and is very smart, and beautiful and sexy. She can be bratty and bossy, but I can deal with that. She can also be very sweet and kind. She's very driven and great with handling money. And honestly, really the only problem I've had with us is the intimacy, but to me, that's half the relationship. Again, it's not just sex, but intimacy overall. Without that, I feel like we are just best friends who cuddle sometimes and live together. But besides that I feel like the sexual attraction, that desire, is non-existent. I'm completely lost at this point on what to do.
At one point last year, I finally convinced her to talk to her doctor, who put her on some type of medication or had her taking a supplement or something, but my wife ended up not liking it or the way it made her feel and so stopped taking it. However, she never went back to the doctors to talk about it, and pretty much just gave up. I also don't think the medicine was doing a whole lot anyways, but I just wish that she would put some sort of effort in. And I think that is what hurts the most, is that no matter how I try to explain to her how much is the hurting me and our relationship, she doesn't care to put in effort or even talk about potential solutions and things that we could do to work on it together.
Something else that I think is part of the problem is that we have been together almost continuously since 2007 so about 7+ years now, but somewhere in the middle we broke up for about a year. That happened because we kept having stupid little "I hate you we're done" then back together the next day type of breakups, and I was really sick of it. So one day we got in a fight about nothing. I remember it like it was yesterday, she was just in one of her moods, and I was with my family that day and she was just mad for who knows what reason and the argument started getting heated. And maybe a week before that I had said that if she were to break up with me again that I would just be done and act as if we were really truly done. So the heated argument progressed and she said "I'm done. We're over". Or something along those lines. I tried to give her time to cool off and said I was going to my friends to watch a football game, which made things worse, but I was sick of being treate d that way. However, my plan was to leave at half time and go see her. But she ended up calling again and saying she hated me and it was definitely over. So at that point I was upset and angry and gave in to peer pressure and started drinking. One thing led to another and I ended up hooking up with a friend of ours. There wasn't sex, just some touching and kissing. About a month later, I finally cracked and told her, I felt horrible about it and hadn't told her because I knew I would lose her. So we broke up for a little over a year. The whole year we talked, fought sometimes, almost got back together a few times, but we almost always kept in touch. She dated other people, I lived the single life. I tried to avoid dating because I knew I loved her and didn't want to end up hurting anyone else. But after about 11 months I ended up dating someone for a bit and had to break it off because I realized that I wasn't over her and would just hurt the girl I was with at the time even more if I kept the relationship going.
Then I stopped talking to my now wife and after another month or two I heard she was single. She contacted me, and we basically went from there. Now I suspected that she never really forgave me for what happened, but she said she did and that it would just take a little time for things to get completely back to normal, and I accepted that. I moved back into the downstairs of her parents house with her. So about 4-5 months later I proposed. I knew I loved and wanted to marry her.
Now one thing I should mention is that when my wife and I were dating the sex was great. It was awesome. It was nothing like it is now. It was frequent and spontaneous and passionate.
I also know that what I did was stupid and awful and I shouldn't have done it, and I feel and felt horrible about it. I tried to do everything I could to make it up to her. Obviously, that took quite some time.
Now, once engaged I thought that maybe the sex would be back to normal, but no it wasn't. It really bothered me, but I tried to understand. She would say that we still live in her parents house so it's a little odd for her and she would promise that it would be okay when we were married and it would all get better. I naively believed that. Marriage came and it didn't get better. Then she would say when we get a house it will get better. Again, I naively believed that. We got a house about 10 months ago, and it still has not gotten better.
And so, here I am, lost and asking for help. I think I may go back to counselor for advice, but even earlier this year when I was talking with the counselor we were starting to talk about whether or not divorce / separation was going to be the only option if my wife refuses to work on this issue. I love her so much and don't want that to be the case, but I also want a family but I will not introduce kids into a broken relationship. I know how that goes as my parents are divorced, and I've seen too many issues with other marriages when people force staying together for the kids. It doesn't work out well, and I refuse to do it. But I'm also heading into my late 20s and would like to start a family.
I'm just not sure what to do...
Any and all advice is GREATLY appreciated, thanked, and welcomed.
Put the internet to work for you.
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