I have been married for 17 years. I am 43 and she is 37. I retired last year from military under stressful conditions and I have put on a lot of weight and really withdrew this past year. I tried a number of times to start to loose weight and "snap" out of it.
Over the past few months she has been growing distant, talking down or rudely to me and sometimes treating me as if I was retarded. I definitely felt like I was annoying her. We barely touched to going days with out touching. I noticed an increase in Facebook activity, she was ALWAYS on her phone.
Aside from my weight I thought I was really supportive this past year, taking almost all the care of our children, cleaned house, did laundry etc. She didn't have to lift a finger in the house. I was encouraging her at work, told her it was her time for her career etc.
When ever she would "friend" someone on Facebook it would show up on my account - ex - JG just became friends with X. Alot were guys. I expressed my dislike and it went ignored. I thought things came to a head during our daughters B-day when we had a fight about her FB activity. I started to be serious about loosing weight.
A week later I found out that she had been Facebook instant messaging a male co-worker. Most of the time while sitting right next to me. I grew upset and irrate and she said that she did not think she was doing anything wrong and was not going to stop. A short time later I found out about a 15 min phone call she had with him after work. She claims it was 100% work related.
Before I go on let me explain that prior to this my wife and I had always had a rule, Dont do anything you would not want the other person to do and we would never give out our phone #'s and keep work at work. Being in the medical field we have both seen so many affairs start at work, most start as co-worker to friends to close friends to affairs.
I would never have suspected that she would ever IM a guy let alone give him her phone #, Text and actually talk on the phone.
That night we fought hard, actually I yelled hard. I got so suspicious and felt like a complete idiot that all this was happening right under my nose. So I investigated as much as I could.
- I found out that she had search and friend requested him beginning of Aug (its no mid Oct) and between then and end of Sep she had searched his name NUMEROUS times, sometimes first thing in the morning like 7:20 as I was taking our kids to school and as late as 11:45pm as she layed next to me. They exchanged a few comments here and there as well as likes on each others pages.
- IM's started last few days of Aug and continued until 27th of Sept. All appearing innocent, no romantic talk, simple chit chat with some real personal.
-He had IM'd and asked her to text so he could ask a question. Obviously to get her phone #, as they were corresponding via FB for weeks now. She did and they were texting for a few day before the 15 min phone call.
She had mentioned him in the past, and said he would ask her for relationship advice as well as medical advice (shes a nurse and he is a tech).
2 weeks early she was wanting to go to the mall after work to get a case for our phones and was hesitant because people from work would be there and she didn't want me to get upset, I thought I would be loving and encouraged her to go and said just go and comeback, it's not like you are going to stay and hang out there.
Turns out he was going to go and she told that she thought it would be inappropriate if someone at work saw them together and rumors may start.
She told after pressing her for more info that they would arrange to eat lunch together in their staff lounge. He would go to her and ask when she was going and wait for her. Not sure if it was opposite way around where she waited on him. From my questions I could gather that they were attached at the hip at work. I asked her if I was to ask someone at work if she was attached at the hip to someone who would they say, and if someone started a rumor about them would anyone believe it.
It so happened he had texted her while I was on her laptop and I responded using her imessage by asking him to loose her # and told him it was not her asking. She called me up from the bathroom in a panic and asked me to make things right and say I was just joking. Like an idiot I did.
We talked and I expressed how extremely hurt I was and that I could not believe this was happening. She told me there was nothing going on, that he was young and she was a mentor to him. She had no sexual feelings. That there was no "emotional" affair. That it was all innocent.
She has since promised not to spend "personal" time with him, no lunches and she has not IM's or Texted him since (past 2-3weeks). She emphatically proclaims it is and was all innocent. That there is nothing on her side.
He still txt and IM's but she does not reply back. Last week he IM'd about whether he could skip a mandatory work meeting, meaning he would go to the one she is scheduled for. I found out that since September and now through Dec he has arranged the same exact 12hr 3 day a week work schedule except for 1 day that she changed at the last minute due to Thanksgiving week. I told her that he is pursing her, that he is arranging his schedule, that he positioned himself to be with her at her meeting where it is more social. She dismisses it and says she can't imagine it to be true.
She has re-proclaimed her love for me and things between us for past 3 weeks are great again aside from when her phone goes off and it is a text or IM from him about something stupid. He was at a function with co-workers and minutes after she posted that I had surprised her by taking her to a concert he texts her asking her what time their meeting was the next day. Its like I can't shake him.
She won't block his phone number, she will not unfriend or block him from Facebook. She will not talk to him about their work - personal relationship has blurred the lines to being inappropriate etc because she says that there is nothing there and that it would be embarrassing for her to do so since this was all nothing.
She now texts me through out the day letting me know she is thinking of me and to ease my mind she would tell me about any interactions they have. She texts me letting me she is eating alone or with another female co-worker and not with him.
The thing is that she 100% knows that I could and would never just "show" up at work and anything she does there is safe.
I have always trusted her, but now every time her phone dings I get anxious. I get anxious when she goes to work. I feel extremely hurt, anxious, jealous and mad when she is at work and I am beyond obsessed about what she is doing when she is gone.
I want to trust her and that is why I have been trying to show specific things to her to show her what I believe he is doing to pursue a closer relationship. For all I know, nothing has changed at work or at all aside from no longer communicating after working hours. She could working side-by-side, eating lunch and carrying on as nothing has changed. I feel like I am sharing her and that makes me so mad.
I just don't understand why she has not cut him off completely! Why is he still trying to communicate with her if things have changed at work.
I have since lost about 40lbs and I am working out to work off my frustration and anxiety.
I know if it was other way around she would not have let me even be in the same zip code and she would have confronted the girl or at the least made it known that she disapproved of her and was aware of her.
Am I too jealous? Am I crazy? Am I insecure...Yes! But what am I to do to get closure or feel somewhat comfortable when she is at work.
Should I demand that she block him, unfriend him? Should I call or text him and let him know that I am "uneasy" with his texts and calls, that I am "upset" or find it "inappropriate? Its not like she can quit, change jobs or anything like that. The most she could do would be to switch her weekends to be opposite of him.
I am at wits end and this anxiety and feels I have when she is gone is unbearable. I just don't know what to do.
Over the past few months she has been growing distant, talking down or rudely to me and sometimes treating me as if I was retarded. I definitely felt like I was annoying her. We barely touched to going days with out touching. I noticed an increase in Facebook activity, she was ALWAYS on her phone.
Aside from my weight I thought I was really supportive this past year, taking almost all the care of our children, cleaned house, did laundry etc. She didn't have to lift a finger in the house. I was encouraging her at work, told her it was her time for her career etc.
When ever she would "friend" someone on Facebook it would show up on my account - ex - JG just became friends with X. Alot were guys. I expressed my dislike and it went ignored. I thought things came to a head during our daughters B-day when we had a fight about her FB activity. I started to be serious about loosing weight.
A week later I found out that she had been Facebook instant messaging a male co-worker. Most of the time while sitting right next to me. I grew upset and irrate and she said that she did not think she was doing anything wrong and was not going to stop. A short time later I found out about a 15 min phone call she had with him after work. She claims it was 100% work related.
Before I go on let me explain that prior to this my wife and I had always had a rule, Dont do anything you would not want the other person to do and we would never give out our phone #'s and keep work at work. Being in the medical field we have both seen so many affairs start at work, most start as co-worker to friends to close friends to affairs.
I would never have suspected that she would ever IM a guy let alone give him her phone #, Text and actually talk on the phone.
That night we fought hard, actually I yelled hard. I got so suspicious and felt like a complete idiot that all this was happening right under my nose. So I investigated as much as I could.
- I found out that she had search and friend requested him beginning of Aug (its no mid Oct) and between then and end of Sep she had searched his name NUMEROUS times, sometimes first thing in the morning like 7:20 as I was taking our kids to school and as late as 11:45pm as she layed next to me. They exchanged a few comments here and there as well as likes on each others pages.
- IM's started last few days of Aug and continued until 27th of Sept. All appearing innocent, no romantic talk, simple chit chat with some real personal.
-He had IM'd and asked her to text so he could ask a question. Obviously to get her phone #, as they were corresponding via FB for weeks now. She did and they were texting for a few day before the 15 min phone call.
She had mentioned him in the past, and said he would ask her for relationship advice as well as medical advice (shes a nurse and he is a tech).
2 weeks early she was wanting to go to the mall after work to get a case for our phones and was hesitant because people from work would be there and she didn't want me to get upset, I thought I would be loving and encouraged her to go and said just go and comeback, it's not like you are going to stay and hang out there.
Turns out he was going to go and she told that she thought it would be inappropriate if someone at work saw them together and rumors may start.
She told after pressing her for more info that they would arrange to eat lunch together in their staff lounge. He would go to her and ask when she was going and wait for her. Not sure if it was opposite way around where she waited on him. From my questions I could gather that they were attached at the hip at work. I asked her if I was to ask someone at work if she was attached at the hip to someone who would they say, and if someone started a rumor about them would anyone believe it.
It so happened he had texted her while I was on her laptop and I responded using her imessage by asking him to loose her # and told him it was not her asking. She called me up from the bathroom in a panic and asked me to make things right and say I was just joking. Like an idiot I did.
We talked and I expressed how extremely hurt I was and that I could not believe this was happening. She told me there was nothing going on, that he was young and she was a mentor to him. She had no sexual feelings. That there was no "emotional" affair. That it was all innocent.
She has since promised not to spend "personal" time with him, no lunches and she has not IM's or Texted him since (past 2-3weeks). She emphatically proclaims it is and was all innocent. That there is nothing on her side.
He still txt and IM's but she does not reply back. Last week he IM'd about whether he could skip a mandatory work meeting, meaning he would go to the one she is scheduled for. I found out that since September and now through Dec he has arranged the same exact 12hr 3 day a week work schedule except for 1 day that she changed at the last minute due to Thanksgiving week. I told her that he is pursing her, that he is arranging his schedule, that he positioned himself to be with her at her meeting where it is more social. She dismisses it and says she can't imagine it to be true.
She has re-proclaimed her love for me and things between us for past 3 weeks are great again aside from when her phone goes off and it is a text or IM from him about something stupid. He was at a function with co-workers and minutes after she posted that I had surprised her by taking her to a concert he texts her asking her what time their meeting was the next day. Its like I can't shake him.
She won't block his phone number, she will not unfriend or block him from Facebook. She will not talk to him about their work - personal relationship has blurred the lines to being inappropriate etc because she says that there is nothing there and that it would be embarrassing for her to do so since this was all nothing.
She now texts me through out the day letting me know she is thinking of me and to ease my mind she would tell me about any interactions they have. She texts me letting me she is eating alone or with another female co-worker and not with him.
The thing is that she 100% knows that I could and would never just "show" up at work and anything she does there is safe.
I have always trusted her, but now every time her phone dings I get anxious. I get anxious when she goes to work. I feel extremely hurt, anxious, jealous and mad when she is at work and I am beyond obsessed about what she is doing when she is gone.
I want to trust her and that is why I have been trying to show specific things to her to show her what I believe he is doing to pursue a closer relationship. For all I know, nothing has changed at work or at all aside from no longer communicating after working hours. She could working side-by-side, eating lunch and carrying on as nothing has changed. I feel like I am sharing her and that makes me so mad.
I just don't understand why she has not cut him off completely! Why is he still trying to communicate with her if things have changed at work.
I have since lost about 40lbs and I am working out to work off my frustration and anxiety.
I know if it was other way around she would not have let me even be in the same zip code and she would have confronted the girl or at the least made it known that she disapproved of her and was aware of her.
Am I too jealous? Am I crazy? Am I insecure...Yes! But what am I to do to get closure or feel somewhat comfortable when she is at work.
Should I demand that she block him, unfriend him? Should I call or text him and let him know that I am "uneasy" with his texts and calls, that I am "upset" or find it "inappropriate? Its not like she can quit, change jobs or anything like that. The most she could do would be to switch her weekends to be opposite of him.
I am at wits end and this anxiety and feels I have when she is gone is unbearable. I just don't know what to do.
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