Please help! I feel that I am at the end of the road here. I do not want to end my marriage in divorce. I still love my husband but he can be an incredible @$$**** at times. I feel alone.
Let me start with some background info. We have been together for a total of 11 years. We have 4 children together, 8, 7, 6, and 3. We both work full-time, and haven't needed to use daycare yet because we can work our schedules around each other. We are finally getting on our feet, financially-speaking (kids, college loans, recession...all took a big toll on us). I recently went back to school full-time to seek another degree (one he encouraged me to get).
Now, most days things are great, despite his incredible laziness. When I say incredible, I mean INCREDIBLE. He refuses to lift a finger, most days, especially when I am home. I work evenings, and usually get home between 11 pm and midnight. I come home to a sink and counter full of dirty dishes, a unswept and sticky floor, and kids that haven't been bathed. AND, I have to get the kids up and to school in the morning, Do I complain? Noooo. I suck it up. Sometimes I'll clean it all up as soon as I get home. Other times, I wait till the morning. He has never been domestic, and it is something I knew to expect when I married him. Not the worst thing, so I let it slide. I know it's not his ideal life, to have me gone most evenings. I know it's tough for some guys to get into the domestic role, especially without proper parent-figures in their lives (his mom is nuts and his dad wasn't around when he was young). Whatever....I'll deal.
Now here's the kicker....I'm getting off work late one night, it's close to 11 pm. I give him a call to get him know I'm on the way home. He says he's hungry. I ask when he would like me to pick up. He states, in a high-and-mighty tone, "I don't like eating out anymore, I like to eat at home. What are you going to cook for me when you get home?" I tell him that I'm not cooking anything. I say that I'm tired, I've been on my feet for the past several hours, not to mention the fact that I got up that morning with the kids and that he had the day off from work. Am I being selfish? How hard is it to throw a burger on a pan? His response? He shuts down. He leaves when I get home, comes home at nearly 4 am, and wakes me up with a flashlight to the face and an ultimatum. Things better shape up around here or I have to quit my job, we will move to a cheaper area and I'll stay home to take care of EVERYTHING I already take care of. We live in the Chicago-area, in a nicer suburb with a great school district. He proposes we move to a crappy area with crappy schools and horrible gang-banging kids. This way, I can better "care" for him. WHAT THE HELL??? Now things aren't perfect. Laundry piles up. Things get messy. Isn't that life? Who the hell does he think he is? Why does he decide to put himself and his laziness above the well-being of the family? What the hell am I supposed to do? I have NO support system. Literally none. Zero. Zilch. Nada. No one to watch my kids when I leave to work. There isn't even an affordable option for me for late-night child care. I can't leave. I don't even want to leave, I love the poor bastard. I just want him to see his selfishness. I want him to understand that marriage is about give and take, partnership, and balance. I know this is something he never learned. But it's time now. He's a typical guy in that he doesn't share, barely listens, and has a hyper-inflated ego. He's childish at times. What do I say? How do I say it? I'm just lost....
Let me start with some background info. We have been together for a total of 11 years. We have 4 children together, 8, 7, 6, and 3. We both work full-time, and haven't needed to use daycare yet because we can work our schedules around each other. We are finally getting on our feet, financially-speaking (kids, college loans, recession...all took a big toll on us). I recently went back to school full-time to seek another degree (one he encouraged me to get).
Now, most days things are great, despite his incredible laziness. When I say incredible, I mean INCREDIBLE. He refuses to lift a finger, most days, especially when I am home. I work evenings, and usually get home between 11 pm and midnight. I come home to a sink and counter full of dirty dishes, a unswept and sticky floor, and kids that haven't been bathed. AND, I have to get the kids up and to school in the morning, Do I complain? Noooo. I suck it up. Sometimes I'll clean it all up as soon as I get home. Other times, I wait till the morning. He has never been domestic, and it is something I knew to expect when I married him. Not the worst thing, so I let it slide. I know it's not his ideal life, to have me gone most evenings. I know it's tough for some guys to get into the domestic role, especially without proper parent-figures in their lives (his mom is nuts and his dad wasn't around when he was young). Whatever....I'll deal.
Now here's the kicker....I'm getting off work late one night, it's close to 11 pm. I give him a call to get him know I'm on the way home. He says he's hungry. I ask when he would like me to pick up. He states, in a high-and-mighty tone, "I don't like eating out anymore, I like to eat at home. What are you going to cook for me when you get home?" I tell him that I'm not cooking anything. I say that I'm tired, I've been on my feet for the past several hours, not to mention the fact that I got up that morning with the kids and that he had the day off from work. Am I being selfish? How hard is it to throw a burger on a pan? His response? He shuts down. He leaves when I get home, comes home at nearly 4 am, and wakes me up with a flashlight to the face and an ultimatum. Things better shape up around here or I have to quit my job, we will move to a cheaper area and I'll stay home to take care of EVERYTHING I already take care of. We live in the Chicago-area, in a nicer suburb with a great school district. He proposes we move to a crappy area with crappy schools and horrible gang-banging kids. This way, I can better "care" for him. WHAT THE HELL??? Now things aren't perfect. Laundry piles up. Things get messy. Isn't that life? Who the hell does he think he is? Why does he decide to put himself and his laziness above the well-being of the family? What the hell am I supposed to do? I have NO support system. Literally none. Zero. Zilch. Nada. No one to watch my kids when I leave to work. There isn't even an affordable option for me for late-night child care. I can't leave. I don't even want to leave, I love the poor bastard. I just want him to see his selfishness. I want him to understand that marriage is about give and take, partnership, and balance. I know this is something he never learned. But it's time now. He's a typical guy in that he doesn't share, barely listens, and has a hyper-inflated ego. He's childish at times. What do I say? How do I say it? I'm just lost....
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