TL;DR: I've been really upset since last night and I don't fully know why. I missed an opportunity with a love interest, she went for my friend, and I'm pissed off with myself about it. I told someone I was pissed off and that seems to have been exaggerated and spread around my flat. However there are other reasons why I might be emotional: I was overtired, my grandma died, I hate my uni course, and now we're moving out of uni halls things won't be the same again. I can't figure out what's making me upset, what I want, and what to do about it.
To explain the situation, I need to tell a story in great detail. This is a story about me, a girl, my flatmates, missed opportunities, rumours, and our last week of our first year at uni. In an unsuccessful attempt to keep it short and preserve detail, it might not be the most nicely written passage so I apologise. All names have been changed, and I refer to myself as HB2.
Last night (Friday night), I went out with my flatmates to celebrate the end of exams. I was incredibly tired, since I had a 9:30 exam and had left revision till the day before. Obviously that's not a good idea, but my lack of motivation is a separate issue. Anyway, I've found on two previous occasions that combining booze with sleep deprivation leaves me emotional and depressed for up to three days.
At this point I'll have to introduce Yvonne, one of my flatmates. She's spent the whole year telling me to my face how highly she thinks of me, oft unprovoked, she doesn't seem to do that with anyone else. Apart from one occasion, everything has been platonic. I've generally assumed that she thinks I have a low self esteem, but occasionally it seemed that we both wanted to go there but wouldn't because we're flatmates. I don't remember the one occasion where things weren't platonic, as I had drunk a lot, but apparently I had been complaining about my inability to lose my virginity and my general lack of game, then we kissed. Last week, the idea started to develop in my head that we might get somewhere last night.
Last night turned out to be an eventful, controversial and confusing night. Yvonne did seem to get a bit more flirty from predrinks onwards. We got separated on the journey to the club, and when we were reunited, she was definitely more affectionate than she's ever been, body language wise. I would say she definitely was into me. However as I've mentioned before, I'm inexperienced, and I decided that, with three more hours left in the club, it wasn't the right time to go for a kiss. Like an hour later, over the course of about five minutes, she turned her affections to Karl, one of my best friends. They eventually ended up kissing a lot, and this was completely unanticipated by anyone. What's weird, however, is that she continued to involve me. In Karl's presence, she started telling me how cute his smile is, and whenever I tried to give them more space she would grab my shirt, or follow me, then continue to get with him. My flatmates kept declaring that I was third wheeling and cockblocking, but I didn't want to be there, I had no choice.
Eventually, when we all decided to leave, everyone was going to McDonalds, but I was completely fed up and said I was going home. One of my flatmates, Frank, came with me, and on the journey back, he said he had noticed what was going on and thought that I had definitely missed an opportunity. Neither of us were thinking or speaking coherently due to drinks consumption, but I expressed how pissed off I was. We also had a deep and bonding conversation about how sad it is that the flat would be separated next year, and gossiped a bit about flatmates.
When we got back, our flatmates were already home, and having a political discussion. Yvonne and Karl were there and acting platonically. I wanted the night to end so I went to bed, but I couldn't sleep so I got up again and joined them. I spoke with Yvonne a bit as part of the group conversation and everything seemed normal, however she did mention something about not thinking I liked her, which I denied. She, too, wasn't being particularly coherent due to alcohol.
I can't decide whether or not my situation with Yvonne is in itself a serious issue. I can't decide how I feel about her and I'm not sure what she now thinks of me. Last night I mainly felt pissed off that I missed the opportunity, but this morning I was focused on the idea that I may have feelings for her. I am conscious of the fact that two years ago I had a similar situation and that time after I missed the opportunity I became infatuated with the girl.
However my overall situation got worse this morning when I heard flatmates Sam and Gabriella speaking, Sam said "HB2 genuinely [something] Yvonne". Later I heard Gabriella, speaking to other flatmates Tina and Nancy, and she mentioned my name then started whispering. Essentially, it seems that there's some gossip about me spreading, and I'm not even sure if it's accurate. I'd like to speak to Gabriella about it but I'll have trouble getting her alone. A complicating factor is that everyone's going home for the summer.
All day I've been feeling sick and emotional, but for me this is normal after a night involving tiredness and alcohol. Me and my friends, including Karl, Gabriella, Tina and Nancy have all been chatting and messing about and generally enjoying the end of exams. But just now, I was cleaning my teeth and I suddenly started crying and this could be for many reasons: the events of last night, the effects of tiredness and alcohol, the fact that I hate my course (I unsuccessfully tried to switch a couple months ago, this is also why I have no motivation to revise), the fact that our flat will be disbanded next year, or the fact that I went to my grandma's funeral two weeks ago and I've barely cried about her death yet (I cried for like 2 minutes when I first found out and that's it).
I'm really upset and confused and I don't really understand my emotions at the moment. There are two flatmates that I usually speak to when I'm upset but they've gone home already and are pretty unreachable. I'm looking for any advice from all points of view about what to do in this situation.
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