Hi, I don't exactly know why I am writing this here but I need to tell someone and not keep it in my chest. It might become really long but I am of desperate need of advice.
So I am a student of the IB program (19 years old), finishing his last exams about ten days ago and basically ever since I have felt really ****, but its not the exams themselves. I am going to explain below.
Back in October 2013 I was randomly on Omegle when I thought I'd go on the french section to practice my French and up popped this girl called Lydia. Now we talked a bit and soon after she gave me her skype, and from then on it took off. We talked everyday for hours and hours on end (writing and skype video), and after only three weeks I would say I was in love with this girl (my feelings for her were really strong) and I told her. Initially I told her I liked her a lot and then I just spilled it out basically a few weeks later. She felt the same way and we became together I guess. Even just talking about this makes me cry a bit. Like I remember all the dates, times and everything and what is really crazy and frightening is that I never ever felt the same for any other girl in my life. I have never cared for someone as much as I care about her. We are so meant for each other its crazy. I mean we have this huge connection and she really makes me enormously happy. I am just so angry that she lives so far away. I am going to tell you why:
Well so after the months passed (like after 4 months) she started acting slightly weird towards me and wouldn't be as gf-ish towards me and I was confused and really hurt. We had been talking everyday, always skyping and I had sent her flowers on her birthday, she sent me a card (my only card) which I hold to extreme value. I was (and still am) deeply in love with her So a month went on like this and I finally told her what is wrong with the way you behave towards me, why are you like this? So eventually I found out that she just doesn't believe in this LDR relationship and doesn't think it will work out. She lives in Canada and I live in Sweden, and I am just about to start uni in the fall where I will either study medicine or dentistry (the latter being basically confirmed). She studies her bachelor in Canada atm and basically it would be 5 years until we would be able to live with each other. She just doesn't believe it'll work and I can understand here. It's a long time.
She said this back in April basically, and I got so hurt and after repeated times of arguing we just broke off and I didn't talk to her for 50 days.
Now on the day I finished my exams I contacted her again to see how she was doing (and if she wanted to talk) and she responded to me. I didn´t have my hopes up high but I was extremely happy she answered me. Ever since for these past 10 days my feelings are becoming so intense for her again (I don't know but me and this girl we get along so well --- it's really insane). I feel this enormous pain in my heart by the fact that we are not together. It feels like someone has pushed their hands within my chest and is squeezing my heart with enormous force. I am so weak by her. She also tells me I make her weak, and that no one has ever made her feel this way, and that this situation is very sad. But we really enjoy talking to each other. This morning she talked about this guy (a friend) who she had gone out with and he had basically tried to kiss her, and she just flicked her face so it landed on her cheek. This girl is not looking for a relationship atm but she says that this might change in the future, but the thought that she might get together with another guy who's not me. It crushes me, I can barely sleep by the thought of it, can't eat properly and I feel this agonizing pain in me. I am so weak I really dont even feel I can leave the bed. I really really really love this girl, and what hurts is that I know she really loves me too. She just doesn't believe in a relationship were we meet each other every 6 months because we are both students.
I have never felt any sadder in my life. My graduation is in 3 days as well.
Now I have other issues as well. I am a first generation immigrant in this country and I have never really felt at home. I don't really feel at home in my home country and I don't feel at home in Sweden. I have never really had any friends, like really strong ones. Just some which I hang out with every now and then. Throughout my life I feel I have never really done what I'd like to do. I am a very social guy by nature but I am have no one to connect with so strongly (well only Lydia). I really missed out in high school and never really had any exciting things happening. I just studied all the time and I am very sad about that. I really try to interact with people but no one interacts with me. I live in Sweden were it's really hard for us "immigrants" to get into the swedish groups and interact with them because that is really what I want. I want a thrill in my life, something exciting to do but I have nothing. I feel like I am wasting my life not doing the things I want to do (and I am not even sure what that is). I just really want a thrill in my life and at the moment it's not there. Yesterday I went out with the "swedes" but I came to realise that even with them I cant be happy. They have "their" humour and talk about things and stuff I don't even understand. I just feel really lonely. I haven't interacted with people for a week now and it's really killing me. I just want out of this country. I really hate my life here. Now I could go to Lydia, but I am scared. I am really scared, throughout my life I have been set on medicine or dentistry (my family has always pushed it on me) and really I don't know anything else. I am really scared to do something different because if I go abroad I can't get into these programs. They are very competitive. They are here in Sweden too but I have gotten in via an aptitude test (similar to the SAT's). You might think that I should just do medicine/dentistry for 5 years and then my life will be much better, but I really can't take 5 years of wasting my life. Going abroad is an option but I am very scared. I am very scared. But then I talk to her and she tells me about how life is awesome in Canada. I feel I am missing out, but I am scared. And yeah there is the grades too. I don't know how well I did. You know these thoughts have really been on me for the whole year and so they did affect my performance in school.
All in all I am just scared, sad and angry about making the wrong decisions, and the fact that the one I love (and she is the only one until this day) is someone I cant have is crushing me. I'm a decent looking guy and I would assume some girls in Sweden would like me, but my heart is somewhere else. I can't see myself with another person, to me it feels like I would be cheating on her. And seeing her go with someone else, just the thought makes me cry. I am crying right now, and I feel so weak about it. Staying in this country is killing me, I feel miserable, I have no one, no friends, no one to turn to just you random people on the internet. I really can't take this load anymore on my heart, feelings of emotion. I want a thrill, happiness and especially not to be lonely.
I know this was very long but it would mean the world to me if you could read it and give me any advice. I constantly feel like crying and sleeping...
Why does she have to be so far away and why do I have to live in this country... What can I do to feel better?
Put the internet to work for you.
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