Hi all,
This is going to be a long post so I apologise, but I'd really appreciate your time if you can as I feel like I'm in quite a dark place at the moment.
As the title says, I feel utterly lost in life since I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years, 6 months ago. We were in a long-distance relationship for most of that time and I moved to be with him in August, at which point we were in a make or break situation and we both knew that the only way to know would be to be together properly. So I made the move, and at the end of November, ended the relationship and walked away. It took a lot of courage and is the hardest thing I've ever done, and it was a painful and very difficult time. I know that it was the right decision for several reasons, but ultimately I just wasn't happy, and I think part of me had stayed in the relationship through fear of the unknown.
I've tried to be a positive, pro-active person since that time and make the most of single life, take some time for myself and to have fun, and I had been doing really well. As I say I moved to a new city to be with him, and have ended up staying there because my job is there and obviously I need to work. But I am really unhappy in my job and am desperate to get out, but as some of you may know it's not that simple. I have recently applied for a couple of other positions to no success, apart from making it to the interview stages of a job last week that I really wanted. I took time off sick to attend the interview and unfortunately didn't get the job. I have had to have quite a bit of time off sick this year already and now feel like I can't apply for anything else as I can't take more time off sick to attend interviews, so I'm stuck, I work in a very target driven job and I've not been doing very well so I'm in constant fear of getting sacked and am just miserable. It was ne ver a career I wanted, I only took the job as I needed a job in that particular city to make the move to be with my ex, and I just feel stuck in it, unable to get experience in other fields because of working full-time and wondering how and when I'm going to get out.
On the break-up I'd not even given being in another relationship a second thought, but at the end of March I met a guy who I instantly connected with and could see myself having a future with. I don't want to specify all the details here as if he happens to read this he will know it's about him and that would just be embarrassing! But basically he was in a complicated, difficult situation which meant that things couldn't run smoothly between us from the off and it would take a while for things to be ok, but I was willing to be patient as I liked him so much. We talked every day by text and on the phone and met up a few times, and honestly I have never connected with another person like that before, I felt so happy and comfortable in his company and for the first time that I could be totally myself around someone.Then things suddenly went weird and he went off the radar. As I said he was having some problems and I thought it was to do with that, he initially still responded to my text but wouldn't initiate contact. Then after leaving it a week, I text him saying I was going to give him a call as I was feeling confused by his lack of contact, and he told me that he had resolved the initial situation that was stopping us from being together, but was feeling really low and having some other problems in his life and wasn't ready for anything. I of course felt bad for him and was willing to give him some space, but that was a month ago and despite sending a couple of texts I've had no contact from him at all since then, so he clearly wants nothing more to do with me. I am really hurt by his silence and wondering if I did something wrong and what that might have been. But I'm also worrying about his welfare and just want to know if he's ok. The whole situation has significantly knocked me back. I feel scared to get close to anyone again now, but at the same time feel a strange crippling loneliness that makes me feel sick in my stomach. I don't want to be with someone for the sake of being someone as I have learnt from my past mistakes, but I am scared that I'll never find anyone who will make me feel that happy, but will also feel the same back. I guess all that must sound pretty lame, but I'm feeling incredibly low as a result of it all. I miss him, and feel like there's nothing I can do.
I guess I just don't know what to do to start picking the pieces up and move forward with my life. My family want me to move back home as I'm not a huge fan of the city I've moved to, but other than my family there's not really anything else that my hometown can offer me. I'm desperate to get some stability back in my life and don't know how to move forward. I think I want to go into teaching but don't have time to get the experience now to apply for this year and I don't know what age I'd want to teach either. I find that I am constantly feeling lower than low, I either feel dead on the inside or overly emotional, and I often end up crying at night before I go to sleep now. I know it's not the way to move forward and I know that I am the only person that can change my life, but I don't know what to do next to start making a positive difference.
I think really what I'm hoping for from this thread is any advice on my current situation, and maybe if anyone's been in a similar situation before what helped them to come out the other side. Thank you so much for your time if you've read this, I would appreciate any words of wisdom at what feels like a really gloomy time.
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