Hello friends.
I must decide-today if possible- whether or not to leave an incredibly toxic situation for both me and my three small children. I did ask another question if you want to read it (long) that goes into a bit about how awful it's been for me. The only disclaimer is I DID make the ex wife look really good as I was afraid she would find this (somehow) and harass me. In fact, she is a main player in how I'm treated and seems to love to feed the fire. She has cussed at me and called me names (all via text- too afraid to speak in person it seems). It makes things very tough.
My husband of 18 gut wrenching months has three older children. Mine are ages 5, 6 and 9. His are 11, 14, and 17. His two youngest are boys and the girl is 17 and just weeks from her 18th birthday. She (Alanna) and Xander (11), along with their father, have contributed to my life feeling as if it is not worth living anymore. I have sought help now from professional psychologists at the VA as well as utilized the VA emergency room for acute depression last month. They are very helpful and I believe may have helped to save my life recently.
I spent 13 years in the army and was married to a good man that a decade of wars, deployments on both sides and 9 miscarriages have destroyed. We are good to each other and love our three children. Here are the facts of the past 18 months, please help me decide if I should continue to try.
Also, I need you all to help me understand if there is such a thing as step parent abuse and whether I am suffering from it. First off, step parent abuse would need two components- the kid (who I believe would have to be either a teenager or an adult child to really count?) and the enabling biological parent. A bonus would be if the enabling parent was in on the abuse with his ex spouse as well. I think I have all of those components.
A small background on me...I was a victim of physical, verbal and emotional child abuse. My father beat me until I lost bowel and bladder control. He gave money to the KKK. I was only allowed to use the N word and lived in a cesspool of hatred. I left when I was 18 and never looked back. I was both enlisted and an officer in the army, a paratrooper, and have advanced degrees. I love my children and have never hurt them, insisting that they only say good things about each other and live in a home of nurturing and love. They are the result of IVF and my last pregnancy loss was my beautiful twins. My oldest surviving child was diagnosed with a rare disorder at the age of 2 after a seizure that would have taken him slowly away from me, until he was bedridden and severly disabled mentally and physically. The DNA confirmation came back negative and he was cleared, but only after waiting four months holding him every night and believing my unborn daughter had a 1 in 4 chance of having it too. So you can bet I am sensitive about abuse, loving each other, health and doctors.
So here are some facts, please let me know if I and we can overcome these in our marriage....
-Paul (husband) and I had dated nearly a year before our wedding. He was charming, always smiling at me and took me out on surprise vacations and showered me with love and I believed I knew him. He was nice to my children and played with them. He did a complete 180 within 72 hours after the wedding...my daughter asked the other day, 'mommy, why was daddy Paul so nice when we lived in our own house and now he's so mean after the wedding dress day?'. 'And he's mean to you too mommy'
-I was clear with Paul since the beginning that I wanted one more child. It was a value to me and a promise I made to Lucy (the last child I lost). Paul acted as he would go along with this. He told me that 'my desire to NOT have a child is less than your desire TO have a child' so 'Let's have a baby'. This was two weeks before the wedding.
-Alanna told Paul (He shared 50/50 with his ex who lives 20 mins away) that she would move out if he married me. She didn't want to live with my youngest kids since she wanted more privacy. Paul told me that if she moved out, Xander would move out as well. I was worried how this would make him feel and moved to cancel the wedding. Paul assured me he had thought it through and it would be all right. He was so charming and insistent that it was going to be all right.
-A condition of marrying me was that I had to move from Colorado Springs to Denver so that his kids wouldn't be inconvenienced and his home was the only place he would live as it 'gave a place for his kids to crash' after school. It was one block away from the school. He wouldn't even consider Castle Rock which lay in between. As a result, to please his kids, I ended up commuting two hours a day to work in the Springs, until my health began to fail.
-Because of Pauls promise to have a baby, I gave up for adoption my four remaining embryos. It was very tough for me and I was in tears, but I wanted them to have a chance at life and I believed in Paul. There is no recourse on getting my embryos back.
-After the wedding, Alanna told Paul the next day that she was moving out (we were still in our wedding suite). Paul fell apart. Among the things he said during the ensuing months was 'my decision to marry you destroyed my family'. He broke my heart during this time. He said many many other things too and never took this saying back.
-I had many bleeding problems with menstruatin that resulting in ER trips- I would hemorrhage during my periods resulting in me being near bedridden. We didn't know what was wrong but the DR said a hysterectomy or pregnancy followed by hysterectomy was inevetable and needed to happen soon, within a year. BTW, at the hysterectomy it was revealed the cause was a rare disorder called Adenomyosis...my uterus was grossly enlarged and blackened when it came out.
-Paul said no. He had no intentions of having a baby. He said that he didn't actually believe I would hold him to it when I saw how 'awful kids were'. He took my choices away. I begged and pleaded. I tried to leave once and get in my car for a drived. He threw himself on me and dragged me and hit me. He apologized profusely and agreed to see a psych. He did it again a few months later. The psych said he had soom mood problems, anger problems and narcissistic tendancies.
-Xander and Brayden (14) were awful to my kids. Xander said my kids 'suck'. Brayden bullied my two oldest children and said that my youngest was the 'only cool one' to my kids' face. It was sickening. Brayden and Paul filmed my son when he was 8 trying to get up to leave the table to go to the bathroom. They were mocking him while he was nervous and joking about putting the video on youtube as my son was acting 'like an idiot'. I could go on and on. Alanna has had and has barely anything to do with my kids. She did have a fit once when the only time we asked her to keep an eye on our kids was to run a 30 min errand to the store and she screamed 'this is exactly what mom said would happen...I would just be stuck being these kids' babysitter if I stay here!'.
-I am worried that Xander may be a psychopath. He is a compulsive, manipulative liar. Brayden has said that he is afraid Xander is 'evil'. I don't know if a kid can be evil but Xander may be it. His mother (when she spoke to me in the beginning) said that 'if I believe everything Xander says to me then I would never let my kids over here'. I have caught Xander in so many lies I cannot count them. As a common example, I would say 'Xander I'm going out for ice cream with the little ones...would you want to come' him..'no I want to just play video games'. Then I would find out that he complained to his mom that I don't include him and love my kids more because I didn't invite him to ice cream. Also, when Paul made a rare denial to Xander hanging out with a friend, Xander threatened to kill himself. Paul freaked out, screaming and pulling his hair and yelling at me...'THIS IS ALL BECAUSE OF OUR RELATIONSHIP!!!'. He will say outlandish things to get his way or attention, threatening once when he was told no to something, to climb through the stairwell at night and leave the house and 'just walk away into the night'. He has also, when Brayden had done something to anger him, threaten to 'knife you in your sleep'. I told Paul that Xander needed professional help, but Paul won't get him any.
-Even though Xander and Alanna moved out, Paul left Alanna's room open as a memorial to her. While each of his kids had their own room (the boys were in a large room where Paul had built a partition), my three children were crammed into the house's smallest room with their toys in storage so as not to inconvenience Paul's kids' lives. Alanna threw a fit at me when finally after months of this I packed up her stuff and took it to her mom's while Paul was on a business trip. Among the things she yelled at me were criticizing my corner of the bedroom (the only place in the house I have for myself) as 'excessive' since she didn't approve of my choice of skincare products...I had a third degree burn in Iraq and make skin care a priority but I shouldn't have had to explain myself to her...Paul did nothing.
-From Jan to June 20 when I had my hysterectomy, Paul engaged in a campaign of threats and ultimatims if I 'forced him to keep his promise'. He threatened to not love me or the baby and even questioned the very meaning of love with words like 'what is love?' and 'who can know if they will love something in two years?' I finally presented for my surgery and I was so upset that I had to have a sedative and called out to him even as they wheeled me out to surgery.
-I spent 10 days in the hospital with liver failure (apparently I have a problem with tylenol). While waiting to see if I needed a transplant Paul was having a fit because his ex was needing his car for a vacation and it had a problem that would be too much money to fix. He asked me what to do. I told him I don't know buy a new one. He starting yelling at me that I was pushing him to buy a new car and forcing him to do things. He was so awfully mean i was in tears and almost ready to ask the nurse to make him leave it was so terrible. I was under so many medications...opiates, painkillers, meds galore I could barely see straight... He still blames me for making him 'buy a car he didn't want' and uses it as proof that he does things for me and puts my needs in front of his own.
-Alanna never visited me in the hospital, none of his kids did. They just wanted our car for their vacation. When I was home finally and struggling to walk she started to badmouth my kids to Paul when Paul tried to make her clean up a mess and she was angry because my 'kids make messes and no one makes them clean them up'. I tried to say something but my voice was weak and she yelled at me and badmouthed me saying 'that's not what I was saying, GWENDOLYN...saying my name in a mean and singsongy voice. I tried to write her a letter saying how I felt but she hated me for it. I showed it to Paul before I sent it and Paul put his approval on it but then when Alanna became angry denied remembering anything that was on it.
-Paul is terrified of Alanna. The first tactic she uses when Paul tries to put any limits on her is to completely cut him off from her life. She admits this. paul admits this. It doesn't seem to matter to them.
-She can be downright mean to me. She has slammed the door in my face when I go to answer it and she is looking for Xander to take him home. She won't look at me, none of them will even say goodbye to me and they act as if I am invisible. I hide in my room back when they used to come over I was so terrified of them. I once told Paul I felt ran out of the city and he said that I was running myself out because even if his kids are a 'little unfair to me' that he is the one stuck in the middle and unable to do anything.
-Paul is terrible to my children. He will lose his temper and walk up behind them and hit them on the back of the head ...not very hard but he knows I hate it. I cry everytime he does this. He has left them conpletely alone when I was running an errand one night to check on his buddy's house...I asked my kids where he was and they said daddy Paul has left but wanted to get back fast before I found out... Dinner is terrible. He glowers at my children and scares both them and me. If they speak to much or open their mouth when they chew he will get angry and has even slammed his glass down and left the room before just because he thought dinner was too loud. It doesn't matter if its pizza, he treats every meal as if its a four start dinner.
-Paul is an alcoholic and has been caught driving or trying to drive three times by me. Once I got bodily in the way of the car and yelled at him because even though it was midnight he was going to go on a Wendy's run with Brayden even though he was stumbling, incoherently drunk. Brayden (who may not have know paul was drunk) promptly reported to his mom that I was yelling at their dad. I asked Paul what she would think if I picked up the phone and told Che the truth and he said 'why are you trying to take my kids from me'... this is how I have to live.
-Paul had a physical altercation a third time with me and I ended up getting dragged off of the couch and bruised my ribs. I needed med help and Paul was arrested. While Paul is fine now (he promised to get psych help and he has to take classes for a year), Alanna texted me the most awful message I have ever received and had me in tears. Alanna said that thanks to me their dad would most likely go to jail again and that because of me he has lost everyone who has ever cared about him (she means the three kids and his ex). She also told me that 'karma would get me in the end and that alone helps her sleep'. I tried to defend myself but during her tirades she accused me of '****ing all night long with her dad and she couldn't sleep because i wouldn't shut up'. (this happened a year prior apparently the bed we were on was loud i'm not sure). But it was the mockery that hurt...and that bc of this I had never earned her respect. She seems to not have cared that her dad has had to walk in on her pulling her shirt down from being felt up by boys and that I pay for her birth control pills at 16 despite my not believing in it. But more than anything in the world what hurt was what came next. AS background, I had sent out a text to my friends the month prior asking friends to pray for my son. At his 9 year old checkup the Dr noticed a circuluar lump next to his pancreas and he needed to take some medicine to clear out his intestines to make sure that it was in his intestines and not his pancreas. Well the next day all was well- he had had a paralytic ileum and while he will have problems with this, its much better than what it could have been. It was his only Dr apt in three years. My son, since he was 2 has been super healthy. Well, Alanna sent me a link during this tirade to a wiki artile on medical child abuse. She accused me of child abuse because of my 'ridiculous' text when all he had to do was 'poop'. I can never forgive her for thi s. After being both a victim of REAL abuse myself and also my miscarriages and after almost really losing my son when he was 2, that was too much. I told her I didn't want her coming over again. She texted back after she hears from her father she will comply. When Paul (amazingly and of course now he protests to her at my orders) texted her that she shouldn't come ove until this gets resolved, his ex sent us both a text that 'congratulations you defeated her Gwenny-poo'
-Paul showed me an unrelated text on his phone when I caught the one above it from Che. Apparently, when Alanna was accusing me of child abuse for asking my closest friends to pray for my son, Che had texted Paul to have me 'stop antagonizing Alanna' Did Paul text or call Alanna and have her stop hurting me? Did he say as much to Che? No. He texted Che that he 'needed Gwen's cooperation in order for his charges to be dropped'. Wow.
-Since this has happened, I was made to apologize for telling Alanna not to come in my house. Paul moved out on me ostensibly to 'work on himself and get himself better with his anger' and then 'come back together in the marriage'. When I have to pick up my daughter I run into brayden and Xander sometimes. When they were coming towards me I actually got moved off the sidewalk with my 5 year old as they wouldn't get off. Neither onse spoke to me but Xander gave me a smug smile. They tell Paul about this and brag about it. Also, last week Xander was mocking me at a family dinner (I'm never invited to these) with the grandparents attending but Paul apparently said 'stop'. But that's it. I'm always excuded. ALways. Paul always takes his kids to fun activities, skiing (me-never once this winter). HE always has an excuse. Today he spent the day with Alanna. He said to me 'what do you want me to do with Alanna, what do YOU think is a good punishment' when I tell him that Alanna could say the worst things that have ever been said to me, but nothing happened to her at all.
-Another thing that Alanna has mocked me with is strength. When I tried to defend myself for 'destroying the family', I told her that blaming me is much easier than blaming her mother (Paul's ex had a year long affair wit a guy she met on the internet, slept with him in Paul's bed and then married him and divorced Paul after she became pregnant with his kid). She replied that blaming me is more realistic and besides, her mother can take it because she is 'stronger'. Stronger? How many miscarriages has she had? Has Alanna or Che ever felt the whiz of a rocket over their heads? Lost their best friend in Iraq? They have both lived picture perfect, priviliedged lives. I'm devestated. And through it all, Paul has done nothing.
-Today, He accused me when I broke down about the exclusion that I 'would have him have no relationship with Alanna in order to be with me'. I am crushed. How can he say these things? Can I expect anything less from him considering his history? I could go on and on. There are so many hurtful things I could write a book. I don't know what's going on. I can't continue to allow my kids to live with this. I'm at the end of my rope. Is what Alanna Brayden and Xander cruel and unfair to me or am I being too sensitive? How much is enabled by Paul? Paul has done very little to either include me or help me. Paul has even gone so far as divulge intimate detais of our marital life that he twisted to make me look bad in order to keep Alanna from getting mad at him and cutting him off. I am lost. Thank you for reading this and I appreciate any input.
I must decide-today if possible- whether or not to leave an incredibly toxic situation for both me and my three small children. I did ask another question if you want to read it (long) that goes into a bit about how awful it's been for me. The only disclaimer is I DID make the ex wife look really good as I was afraid she would find this (somehow) and harass me. In fact, she is a main player in how I'm treated and seems to love to feed the fire. She has cussed at me and called me names (all via text- too afraid to speak in person it seems). It makes things very tough.
My husband of 18 gut wrenching months has three older children. Mine are ages 5, 6 and 9. His are 11, 14, and 17. His two youngest are boys and the girl is 17 and just weeks from her 18th birthday. She (Alanna) and Xander (11), along with their father, have contributed to my life feeling as if it is not worth living anymore. I have sought help now from professional psychologists at the VA as well as utilized the VA emergency room for acute depression last month. They are very helpful and I believe may have helped to save my life recently.
I spent 13 years in the army and was married to a good man that a decade of wars, deployments on both sides and 9 miscarriages have destroyed. We are good to each other and love our three children. Here are the facts of the past 18 months, please help me decide if I should continue to try.
Also, I need you all to help me understand if there is such a thing as step parent abuse and whether I am suffering from it. First off, step parent abuse would need two components- the kid (who I believe would have to be either a teenager or an adult child to really count?) and the enabling biological parent. A bonus would be if the enabling parent was in on the abuse with his ex spouse as well. I think I have all of those components.
A small background on me...I was a victim of physical, verbal and emotional child abuse. My father beat me until I lost bowel and bladder control. He gave money to the KKK. I was only allowed to use the N word and lived in a cesspool of hatred. I left when I was 18 and never looked back. I was both enlisted and an officer in the army, a paratrooper, and have advanced degrees. I love my children and have never hurt them, insisting that they only say good things about each other and live in a home of nurturing and love. They are the result of IVF and my last pregnancy loss was my beautiful twins. My oldest surviving child was diagnosed with a rare disorder at the age of 2 after a seizure that would have taken him slowly away from me, until he was bedridden and severly disabled mentally and physically. The DNA confirmation came back negative and he was cleared, but only after waiting four months holding him every night and believing my unborn daughter had a 1 in 4 chance of having it too. So you can bet I am sensitive about abuse, loving each other, health and doctors.
So here are some facts, please let me know if I and we can overcome these in our marriage....
-Paul (husband) and I had dated nearly a year before our wedding. He was charming, always smiling at me and took me out on surprise vacations and showered me with love and I believed I knew him. He was nice to my children and played with them. He did a complete 180 within 72 hours after the wedding...my daughter asked the other day, 'mommy, why was daddy Paul so nice when we lived in our own house and now he's so mean after the wedding dress day?'. 'And he's mean to you too mommy'
-I was clear with Paul since the beginning that I wanted one more child. It was a value to me and a promise I made to Lucy (the last child I lost). Paul acted as he would go along with this. He told me that 'my desire to NOT have a child is less than your desire TO have a child' so 'Let's have a baby'. This was two weeks before the wedding.
-Alanna told Paul (He shared 50/50 with his ex who lives 20 mins away) that she would move out if he married me. She didn't want to live with my youngest kids since she wanted more privacy. Paul told me that if she moved out, Xander would move out as well. I was worried how this would make him feel and moved to cancel the wedding. Paul assured me he had thought it through and it would be all right. He was so charming and insistent that it was going to be all right.
-A condition of marrying me was that I had to move from Colorado Springs to Denver so that his kids wouldn't be inconvenienced and his home was the only place he would live as it 'gave a place for his kids to crash' after school. It was one block away from the school. He wouldn't even consider Castle Rock which lay in between. As a result, to please his kids, I ended up commuting two hours a day to work in the Springs, until my health began to fail.
-Because of Pauls promise to have a baby, I gave up for adoption my four remaining embryos. It was very tough for me and I was in tears, but I wanted them to have a chance at life and I believed in Paul. There is no recourse on getting my embryos back.
-After the wedding, Alanna told Paul the next day that she was moving out (we were still in our wedding suite). Paul fell apart. Among the things he said during the ensuing months was 'my decision to marry you destroyed my family'. He broke my heart during this time. He said many many other things too and never took this saying back.
-I had many bleeding problems with menstruatin that resulting in ER trips- I would hemorrhage during my periods resulting in me being near bedridden. We didn't know what was wrong but the DR said a hysterectomy or pregnancy followed by hysterectomy was inevetable and needed to happen soon, within a year. BTW, at the hysterectomy it was revealed the cause was a rare disorder called Adenomyosis...my uterus was grossly enlarged and blackened when it came out.
-Paul said no. He had no intentions of having a baby. He said that he didn't actually believe I would hold him to it when I saw how 'awful kids were'. He took my choices away. I begged and pleaded. I tried to leave once and get in my car for a drived. He threw himself on me and dragged me and hit me. He apologized profusely and agreed to see a psych. He did it again a few months later. The psych said he had soom mood problems, anger problems and narcissistic tendancies.
-Xander and Brayden (14) were awful to my kids. Xander said my kids 'suck'. Brayden bullied my two oldest children and said that my youngest was the 'only cool one' to my kids' face. It was sickening. Brayden and Paul filmed my son when he was 8 trying to get up to leave the table to go to the bathroom. They were mocking him while he was nervous and joking about putting the video on youtube as my son was acting 'like an idiot'. I could go on and on. Alanna has had and has barely anything to do with my kids. She did have a fit once when the only time we asked her to keep an eye on our kids was to run a 30 min errand to the store and she screamed 'this is exactly what mom said would happen...I would just be stuck being these kids' babysitter if I stay here!'.
-I am worried that Xander may be a psychopath. He is a compulsive, manipulative liar. Brayden has said that he is afraid Xander is 'evil'. I don't know if a kid can be evil but Xander may be it. His mother (when she spoke to me in the beginning) said that 'if I believe everything Xander says to me then I would never let my kids over here'. I have caught Xander in so many lies I cannot count them. As a common example, I would say 'Xander I'm going out for ice cream with the little ones...would you want to come' him..'no I want to just play video games'. Then I would find out that he complained to his mom that I don't include him and love my kids more because I didn't invite him to ice cream. Also, when Paul made a rare denial to Xander hanging out with a friend, Xander threatened to kill himself. Paul freaked out, screaming and pulling his hair and yelling at me...'THIS IS ALL BECAUSE OF OUR RELATIONSHIP!!!'. He will say outlandish things to get his way or attention, threatening once when he was told no to something, to climb through the stairwell at night and leave the house and 'just walk away into the night'. He has also, when Brayden had done something to anger him, threaten to 'knife you in your sleep'. I told Paul that Xander needed professional help, but Paul won't get him any.
-Even though Xander and Alanna moved out, Paul left Alanna's room open as a memorial to her. While each of his kids had their own room (the boys were in a large room where Paul had built a partition), my three children were crammed into the house's smallest room with their toys in storage so as not to inconvenience Paul's kids' lives. Alanna threw a fit at me when finally after months of this I packed up her stuff and took it to her mom's while Paul was on a business trip. Among the things she yelled at me were criticizing my corner of the bedroom (the only place in the house I have for myself) as 'excessive' since she didn't approve of my choice of skincare products...I had a third degree burn in Iraq and make skin care a priority but I shouldn't have had to explain myself to her...Paul did nothing.
-From Jan to June 20 when I had my hysterectomy, Paul engaged in a campaign of threats and ultimatims if I 'forced him to keep his promise'. He threatened to not love me or the baby and even questioned the very meaning of love with words like 'what is love?' and 'who can know if they will love something in two years?' I finally presented for my surgery and I was so upset that I had to have a sedative and called out to him even as they wheeled me out to surgery.
-I spent 10 days in the hospital with liver failure (apparently I have a problem with tylenol). While waiting to see if I needed a transplant Paul was having a fit because his ex was needing his car for a vacation and it had a problem that would be too much money to fix. He asked me what to do. I told him I don't know buy a new one. He starting yelling at me that I was pushing him to buy a new car and forcing him to do things. He was so awfully mean i was in tears and almost ready to ask the nurse to make him leave it was so terrible. I was under so many medications...opiates, painkillers, meds galore I could barely see straight... He still blames me for making him 'buy a car he didn't want' and uses it as proof that he does things for me and puts my needs in front of his own.
-Alanna never visited me in the hospital, none of his kids did. They just wanted our car for their vacation. When I was home finally and struggling to walk she started to badmouth my kids to Paul when Paul tried to make her clean up a mess and she was angry because my 'kids make messes and no one makes them clean them up'. I tried to say something but my voice was weak and she yelled at me and badmouthed me saying 'that's not what I was saying, GWENDOLYN...saying my name in a mean and singsongy voice. I tried to write her a letter saying how I felt but she hated me for it. I showed it to Paul before I sent it and Paul put his approval on it but then when Alanna became angry denied remembering anything that was on it.
-Paul is terrified of Alanna. The first tactic she uses when Paul tries to put any limits on her is to completely cut him off from her life. She admits this. paul admits this. It doesn't seem to matter to them.
-She can be downright mean to me. She has slammed the door in my face when I go to answer it and she is looking for Xander to take him home. She won't look at me, none of them will even say goodbye to me and they act as if I am invisible. I hide in my room back when they used to come over I was so terrified of them. I once told Paul I felt ran out of the city and he said that I was running myself out because even if his kids are a 'little unfair to me' that he is the one stuck in the middle and unable to do anything.
-Paul is terrible to my children. He will lose his temper and walk up behind them and hit them on the back of the head ...not very hard but he knows I hate it. I cry everytime he does this. He has left them conpletely alone when I was running an errand one night to check on his buddy's house...I asked my kids where he was and they said daddy Paul has left but wanted to get back fast before I found out... Dinner is terrible. He glowers at my children and scares both them and me. If they speak to much or open their mouth when they chew he will get angry and has even slammed his glass down and left the room before just because he thought dinner was too loud. It doesn't matter if its pizza, he treats every meal as if its a four start dinner.
-Paul is an alcoholic and has been caught driving or trying to drive three times by me. Once I got bodily in the way of the car and yelled at him because even though it was midnight he was going to go on a Wendy's run with Brayden even though he was stumbling, incoherently drunk. Brayden (who may not have know paul was drunk) promptly reported to his mom that I was yelling at their dad. I asked Paul what she would think if I picked up the phone and told Che the truth and he said 'why are you trying to take my kids from me'... this is how I have to live.
-Paul had a physical altercation a third time with me and I ended up getting dragged off of the couch and bruised my ribs. I needed med help and Paul was arrested. While Paul is fine now (he promised to get psych help and he has to take classes for a year), Alanna texted me the most awful message I have ever received and had me in tears. Alanna said that thanks to me their dad would most likely go to jail again and that because of me he has lost everyone who has ever cared about him (she means the three kids and his ex). She also told me that 'karma would get me in the end and that alone helps her sleep'. I tried to defend myself but during her tirades she accused me of '****ing all night long with her dad and she couldn't sleep because i wouldn't shut up'. (this happened a year prior apparently the bed we were on was loud i'm not sure). But it was the mockery that hurt...and that bc of this I had never earned her respect. She seems to not have cared that her dad has had to walk in on her pulling her shirt down from being felt up by boys and that I pay for her birth control pills at 16 despite my not believing in it. But more than anything in the world what hurt was what came next. AS background, I had sent out a text to my friends the month prior asking friends to pray for my son. At his 9 year old checkup the Dr noticed a circuluar lump next to his pancreas and he needed to take some medicine to clear out his intestines to make sure that it was in his intestines and not his pancreas. Well the next day all was well- he had had a paralytic ileum and while he will have problems with this, its much better than what it could have been. It was his only Dr apt in three years. My son, since he was 2 has been super healthy. Well, Alanna sent me a link during this tirade to a wiki artile on medical child abuse. She accused me of child abuse because of my 'ridiculous' text when all he had to do was 'poop'. I can never forgive her for thi s. After being both a victim of REAL abuse myself and also my miscarriages and after almost really losing my son when he was 2, that was too much. I told her I didn't want her coming over again. She texted back after she hears from her father she will comply. When Paul (amazingly and of course now he protests to her at my orders) texted her that she shouldn't come ove until this gets resolved, his ex sent us both a text that 'congratulations you defeated her Gwenny-poo'
-Paul showed me an unrelated text on his phone when I caught the one above it from Che. Apparently, when Alanna was accusing me of child abuse for asking my closest friends to pray for my son, Che had texted Paul to have me 'stop antagonizing Alanna' Did Paul text or call Alanna and have her stop hurting me? Did he say as much to Che? No. He texted Che that he 'needed Gwen's cooperation in order for his charges to be dropped'. Wow.
-Since this has happened, I was made to apologize for telling Alanna not to come in my house. Paul moved out on me ostensibly to 'work on himself and get himself better with his anger' and then 'come back together in the marriage'. When I have to pick up my daughter I run into brayden and Xander sometimes. When they were coming towards me I actually got moved off the sidewalk with my 5 year old as they wouldn't get off. Neither onse spoke to me but Xander gave me a smug smile. They tell Paul about this and brag about it. Also, last week Xander was mocking me at a family dinner (I'm never invited to these) with the grandparents attending but Paul apparently said 'stop'. But that's it. I'm always excuded. ALways. Paul always takes his kids to fun activities, skiing (me-never once this winter). HE always has an excuse. Today he spent the day with Alanna. He said to me 'what do you want me to do with Alanna, what do YOU think is a good punishment' when I tell him that Alanna could say the worst things that have ever been said to me, but nothing happened to her at all.
-Another thing that Alanna has mocked me with is strength. When I tried to defend myself for 'destroying the family', I told her that blaming me is much easier than blaming her mother (Paul's ex had a year long affair wit a guy she met on the internet, slept with him in Paul's bed and then married him and divorced Paul after she became pregnant with his kid). She replied that blaming me is more realistic and besides, her mother can take it because she is 'stronger'. Stronger? How many miscarriages has she had? Has Alanna or Che ever felt the whiz of a rocket over their heads? Lost their best friend in Iraq? They have both lived picture perfect, priviliedged lives. I'm devestated. And through it all, Paul has done nothing.
-Today, He accused me when I broke down about the exclusion that I 'would have him have no relationship with Alanna in order to be with me'. I am crushed. How can he say these things? Can I expect anything less from him considering his history? I could go on and on. There are so many hurtful things I could write a book. I don't know what's going on. I can't continue to allow my kids to live with this. I'm at the end of my rope. Is what Alanna Brayden and Xander cruel and unfair to me or am I being too sensitive? How much is enabled by Paul? Paul has done very little to either include me or help me. Paul has even gone so far as divulge intimate detais of our marital life that he twisted to make me look bad in order to keep Alanna from getting mad at him and cutting him off. I am lost. Thank you for reading this and I appreciate any input.
Put the internet to work for you.
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