Porn has been a big issue in my married life. So many fights it lead to. It is hard to live with someone who portrays to be one person, but deep inside is someone else, and off course you only get to know this with time and living together.
We have been married for almost 12 years, sex was never great, it was always ok. I used to think we made love, but he says we f***. Around our second year of marriage, i walked on him chatting with another women online, those live camera deals where he was asking what color her pubic hair was, I was so mad i thought i was going to explode. I was out on an interview for a job, he was supposed to be searching for jobs and that is what he was doing instead. He doesn't consider that cheating, but for me is pretty borderline. It goes beyond looking at photos or videos.
I will save all the stories about how many times i caught him with porn, i never caught him again on an online chat, but that doesn't mean that he stopped that behavior either. I just haven't caught him again.
One of our last biggest fight i said i wanted to leave him and that is when he decided he was an addict and that he needed help. Part of me was relieved he arrive at that conclusion by himself, i never thought of him as an addict, just a selfish person on the matter. He went for meetings for a year and then decided to quit, said that the religious part was getting on the way because he is not a religious person. Said he got from the meetings what he needed and that he was good.
He continues to deny he does it, but i know he is. Caught him setting his iPad not to track his browsing and that would be the only reason he would need to do that. I confronted him and now he could not deny it. What made me even look for it, was the fact he hasn't looked for sex for over 2 months, i had to initiate at one point in between that time and i almost had to trap him in the shower. Meaning, surprise him. He went with the flow, we had to finish outside of the shower because he just doesn't like that.
The truth is, now his addiction is starting to get in the way of our sex life, which was never great and now it is just horrible. I have tried join in the porn with him, but when he decided he was an addict, he claimed to have throw all his porn away and told me to get rid of the movies we used to watch together, which by the way i did that for him, to try to be part of his world.
He says having sex with me is too much effort because i am not ready right away. I need to be touched and kissed and he thinks taking 5 minutes to do that is too much effort.
I am starting to feel very lonely, undesirable. I need intimacy. He doesn't like to be touched, so he doesn't touch me either, that is also the case for cuddling. My dogs gets more petting in a day that i get in a year.
I had thoughts of taking pictures of myself naked with a mask to hide my identity and see what other man might think of me, i am sure there is someone out there that would find me attractive, but that would be desperation and me trying to get back at him, after all if he can look at other women, why other man cannot look at his? But i don't think that bringing myself to his level would help anything, but it is starting to cross my mind.
I had to get this out. It hurts to keep all of this inside. To have no one to talk to. I don't see the point to being married to someone that doesn't want to cuddle, doesn't want to have any intimacy or even sex. It is not like we have kids that are holding me back. I can't imagine life without him, but i also cannot imagine life with him this way.
I know this is a common issue here. a lot of women will stay because of kids or because they depend financially of their husband, but that is not my case.
Sorry for the long post.
We have been married for almost 12 years, sex was never great, it was always ok. I used to think we made love, but he says we f***. Around our second year of marriage, i walked on him chatting with another women online, those live camera deals where he was asking what color her pubic hair was, I was so mad i thought i was going to explode. I was out on an interview for a job, he was supposed to be searching for jobs and that is what he was doing instead. He doesn't consider that cheating, but for me is pretty borderline. It goes beyond looking at photos or videos.
I will save all the stories about how many times i caught him with porn, i never caught him again on an online chat, but that doesn't mean that he stopped that behavior either. I just haven't caught him again.
One of our last biggest fight i said i wanted to leave him and that is when he decided he was an addict and that he needed help. Part of me was relieved he arrive at that conclusion by himself, i never thought of him as an addict, just a selfish person on the matter. He went for meetings for a year and then decided to quit, said that the religious part was getting on the way because he is not a religious person. Said he got from the meetings what he needed and that he was good.
He continues to deny he does it, but i know he is. Caught him setting his iPad not to track his browsing and that would be the only reason he would need to do that. I confronted him and now he could not deny it. What made me even look for it, was the fact he hasn't looked for sex for over 2 months, i had to initiate at one point in between that time and i almost had to trap him in the shower. Meaning, surprise him. He went with the flow, we had to finish outside of the shower because he just doesn't like that.
The truth is, now his addiction is starting to get in the way of our sex life, which was never great and now it is just horrible. I have tried join in the porn with him, but when he decided he was an addict, he claimed to have throw all his porn away and told me to get rid of the movies we used to watch together, which by the way i did that for him, to try to be part of his world.
He says having sex with me is too much effort because i am not ready right away. I need to be touched and kissed and he thinks taking 5 minutes to do that is too much effort.
I am starting to feel very lonely, undesirable. I need intimacy. He doesn't like to be touched, so he doesn't touch me either, that is also the case for cuddling. My dogs gets more petting in a day that i get in a year.
I had thoughts of taking pictures of myself naked with a mask to hide my identity and see what other man might think of me, i am sure there is someone out there that would find me attractive, but that would be desperation and me trying to get back at him, after all if he can look at other women, why other man cannot look at his? But i don't think that bringing myself to his level would help anything, but it is starting to cross my mind.
I had to get this out. It hurts to keep all of this inside. To have no one to talk to. I don't see the point to being married to someone that doesn't want to cuddle, doesn't want to have any intimacy or even sex. It is not like we have kids that are holding me back. I can't imagine life without him, but i also cannot imagine life with him this way.
I know this is a common issue here. a lot of women will stay because of kids or because they depend financially of their husband, but that is not my case.
Sorry for the long post.
Put the internet to work for you.
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