I'm at my wits end. And it's complicated, per usual.
My wife and I have been married for 6 years, but together before that for 3 - so for 9 years total we've been a relationship.
No children, just dogs.
I think I've hit the end for what I can do and tolerate. And I'm burnt out. I'm not proud of my behavior - but I think it only demonstrates I am human.
My wife is a survivor of sexual abuse in her childhood. She was abused for several years when she was around 8 by her older teenage brother.
I had known about this abuse the first day we were in bed together -after we made love, she told me she was abused by her brother. And of course, I didnt' know what to say or do, but to comfort her. And just listen.
We started to date. She was good for me. She got me out of some bad life habits- she was into the outdoors and loved her dogs. She always seemed to have a lot going on for her. A very type A style woman - it seemed to me. Sweet, but yet all business. She was fiery, for some reason I liked that. But to me she was sweet. So I figured I must have been special. I always found her sexy - and though we worked together for awhile, we never dated. Then when she found another job and I was out of another relationship - we dated. And it just led from there.
At first it was great. She seemed to have so much going for her.
But as time drew on - she would occasionally totally flip out and get very mad or emotional over little, stupid things. I know at work she was domineering and usually struggling for power - but I figured that was part of her personality - she was a business woman. She was not the sort that caught the flies with honey - she ran you through with the sword.
I would blow off her fits of anger as her being different than I - though I would take some offense to it. My father was a pretty angry man - so I have less tolerance for dealing with kind of stuff...
Intimacy was a problem. She wasn't a very sexual person without alcohol. But I could tell she had a hard time connecting with me that way. I felt like I basically initiated every sexual encounter - unless of course she was drinking. Kissing was not really her thing (unless drinking) and she was pretty rigid about when and how she wanted sex etc. I never felt like unless she was altered that she was really enjoying it. She sort of did it for me.
At first I wasn't sure what to think of it. I was a fairly sexual person and thought maybe since my libido was so high, that she just sort of normalized me. And since we were friends and had other things in our lives, I sort of let that part slide - thinking that it might get better as time went on.
But it didn't
As time went on - we still had a hard time connecting intimately. And yes, I would talk with her about it. And usually I was hurt over it and told her so. It would end usually with a giant argument, and her getting very emotional and not saying a thing to talk with me. It was odd. We could usually talk about everything else...
The next morning she would act like nothing happened.
We decided to get married - based on her desire to have kids - and I told her the only way I'd do that is if we were married. And I figured, if I just stayed a good man - took care of her that she would eventually take are of me....
So, after we wed - we talked about kids. It's then she told me that she didn't think she could bring up a kid in this world... I was sort of indifferent. I could go either way - but did feel a bit manipulated that one day she's emotionally crying over where our relationship was going.. and then after she got her way, backed out on what she said she wanted.
Our honeymoon was abysmal. I just wanted to romance and dine and have fun with my new wife.... and just be in LOVE. But she seemed so perturbed and uncomfortable. We made love 2 or 3 times. maybe. the last after I begged her. Awesome.
She switched to several new jobs. Most the time she was forced out because of how she treated people. She was too hard to please and be around. Most issues it seemed were never her fault - they were always someone else's. Very black and white stuff. No room for grey.
I was always there to support the fall. Listen about how she was wronged. And just take care of her. I worked from home - so i was sort of always the domestic one. I kept it all running. Cooked her meals, took care of our dogs... house, etc.
I would complain about our sex life - but she would say if I loved her I'd love her no matter what. That we were different and I would just have to make do.
So of course, I began to feel pretty used. I began to feel like it was my mission to prop this woman up - because I'm such a nice guy and caring husband. But it felt like she had no idea what i needed or what I wanted.. and If I did say something she took immediate offense that she wasn't good enough. It was very hard to talk about that stuff.
I began to notice she was starting to drive all of her friends off.. because of her domineering personalty. I someone wronged her, they were immediately cast out. For the littlest thing - there was no smoothing it over.
I felt like I was the ONLY thing in her life. That she never let herself out to enjoy life with her girlfriends... or the like. She had a few people she called friends, but they were that only superficial ones.
At first in our relationship, she seemed to be secure in everything.
Then later, she seemed so insecure about her body (she did gain some weight, but I never though less of her, still found her beautiful) and though I knew she was always a bit depressed, it seemed to get worse.
Sometimes it seems she only liked the things I liked (music, etc) but had a hard time picked what she liked. And no, not because I domineered her... she just sort of mirrored me.
At one point, I asked her if she could see an IC - because I thought she needed to talk about what was going on with sex - I just didnt' think it was healthy. And she turned around and yelled, "Well, I supposed you want to know I was raped too!"
Ooook.
She later told me she forgot that she told me about her brother abusing her. Which I found really odd.
I started to burn out. I felt like I was trying to be everything for this woman, but she seem chronically unhappy. Just a glass 1/2 empty sort. There was always a person to be mad at. There always seemed to be some huge drama at work.
No matter what I said - or the space I gave her for sex - and not pressure her, it seemed it really didn't get better. I was frustrated. And no amount of discussion could help. Sometimes, the littlest things became the biggest deals.
So, I began to road bike a lot on my own. I hiked a lot with our dogs solo - as she was working later and later. It seemed her work was the thing that mattered most to her. And despite me telling her to change things - take time for herself.... working was what she felt driven to do.
I'd make supper and she'd miss it.
And by this point, sex was just a perfunctory act. If she was drinking it could be good - but I hated having to alter my wife for real connecting sex.
I started to care less. Self served a lot more. She didnt' seem phased.
But yet, she was still unhappy with life. There was always someone - or something making her unhappy. And I just couldn't reach her. But her one solace was burying herself in work.
Sure we'd get out for vacations - but like our honeymoon it was hard to connect no matter how much space I gave her or any romantic gesture I provided. She was uncomfortable with intimacy.
So. Long story short. I started to have an emotional affair with a mutual friend. We would basically chat and type all the time to each other. We even went backpacking together -but strictly as friends (solo, no wife) But, it was what it was. It was a connection with someone that wanted me in their life and like a starving man to a dinner bell i was lured by it.
It felt great.
I wanted this same connection with my wife... but knew it wouldn't be.
I felt guilty. Despite how nice it was to feel appreciated. But eventually.... I knew all the things I was feeling for the OW was because of what I missing in my wife.
There was flirting, but it wasn't terribly sexual. But I knew it was more than friendship.
So. After feeling the guilt of this - and before it got physical, I demanded to my wife that we see a MC
I laid out to her how unhappy I was. That I needed more than I was getting. She was pushing me away. And that she had some intimacy issues... that I was enabling all this time. And that I wanted her to figure out her abuse, because it was wrecking us.
And I disclosed my AE. I told her who it was and that it was the catylist to figure things out.
I told her I was hurt for a lot of years of taking care of her, but it seemed to never go the other way. She felt I should love her unconditionally - and that I wasn't doing that. I felt like I was in a no-win situation. No matter what I tried.
Of course, the focus in the MC was my EA. But not what led things that way.. and certainly not what might be eating her.
She just didn't seem to take is seriously. And blamed me for all the issues.... when it felt like all i did was accommodate her for YEARS.
So, one day, when she bowed out of a counselling session - I told her I was done. I was ending the relationship... Something was missing for me - and I wasn't going to sit by anymore.
One thing I might add, is that 10 years ago i lost my brother to a horrific accident in front of my very eyes. I know how short life is. And I just figured what the hell am I doing with a person who refuses to try with me.
So. I moved out for a week. I couch surfed. I stayed with friends. I did hook up with the woman I had an AE with.
Then, a week later, I started to feel guilt of the highest order -esp after seeing my wife when I picked up our dogs or whatever.
I decided that I needed to tell her one last time how I felt about her. I still cared for her. And that it wasn't easy to let her go.
I am a caretaker sort, so leaving was potentially the hardest thing I've done, besides witness my brother's death.
So, I told her all that happened with my affair during the separation. I told her I wanted to at least explore what was going on.... with a new MC. And she was for it. But of course still quite focused and angry with my affair and me leaving.
I told her I understood her anger, but she had to work with me on how we got to where we were too...
So, more counseling. different MC.
She's finally talking about her sexual abuse. But I'm having a very very very hard time connecting. She says the only way she wants to work on it is with US- not her alone. I asked if I died, would she just give up on herself. Her answer was yes.
I feel at this point I am just playing the role to support her again, but I am here just for that. I am truly running on empty. I will admit, after my AE, that I got a taste of what an emotional connection can be...
I wonder if maybe all we were to be were good friends... and that no amount of counselling will get us healed, or to a place we've never been before anyhow. I'm afraid I can't be what she needs me to be - to just be the rock. I can't be that anymore. I felt like she pushed me away for so long that I'm finding it hard to feel that spark that I once did.
Nothing seems to make her happy - and I'm plain tired of trying.
Sometimes I think her past abuse has manifested a borderline personality disorder. I feel like I'm dealing with a little kid in some ways....
And I'm finding it really hard to respect her and how she deals with her problems. I know. it's terrible to feel that.
And now, when she tries to get closer to me.. my skin just crawls. It's like too little too late. I just feel like being in the other room from her.
I feel like a failure for not being stronger. And a failure for going outside my marriage. But, I am human. I think we all have our breaking points. I think I missed mine years ago and there may be no going back.
I love my wife. But I'm not sure I'm supposed to go through this to live life. It has to be easier than this.
My wife and I have been married for 6 years, but together before that for 3 - so for 9 years total we've been a relationship.
No children, just dogs.
I think I've hit the end for what I can do and tolerate. And I'm burnt out. I'm not proud of my behavior - but I think it only demonstrates I am human.
My wife is a survivor of sexual abuse in her childhood. She was abused for several years when she was around 8 by her older teenage brother.
I had known about this abuse the first day we were in bed together -after we made love, she told me she was abused by her brother. And of course, I didnt' know what to say or do, but to comfort her. And just listen.
We started to date. She was good for me. She got me out of some bad life habits- she was into the outdoors and loved her dogs. She always seemed to have a lot going on for her. A very type A style woman - it seemed to me. Sweet, but yet all business. She was fiery, for some reason I liked that. But to me she was sweet. So I figured I must have been special. I always found her sexy - and though we worked together for awhile, we never dated. Then when she found another job and I was out of another relationship - we dated. And it just led from there.
At first it was great. She seemed to have so much going for her.
But as time drew on - she would occasionally totally flip out and get very mad or emotional over little, stupid things. I know at work she was domineering and usually struggling for power - but I figured that was part of her personality - she was a business woman. She was not the sort that caught the flies with honey - she ran you through with the sword.
I would blow off her fits of anger as her being different than I - though I would take some offense to it. My father was a pretty angry man - so I have less tolerance for dealing with kind of stuff...
Intimacy was a problem. She wasn't a very sexual person without alcohol. But I could tell she had a hard time connecting with me that way. I felt like I basically initiated every sexual encounter - unless of course she was drinking. Kissing was not really her thing (unless drinking) and she was pretty rigid about when and how she wanted sex etc. I never felt like unless she was altered that she was really enjoying it. She sort of did it for me.
At first I wasn't sure what to think of it. I was a fairly sexual person and thought maybe since my libido was so high, that she just sort of normalized me. And since we were friends and had other things in our lives, I sort of let that part slide - thinking that it might get better as time went on.
But it didn't
As time went on - we still had a hard time connecting intimately. And yes, I would talk with her about it. And usually I was hurt over it and told her so. It would end usually with a giant argument, and her getting very emotional and not saying a thing to talk with me. It was odd. We could usually talk about everything else...
The next morning she would act like nothing happened.
We decided to get married - based on her desire to have kids - and I told her the only way I'd do that is if we were married. And I figured, if I just stayed a good man - took care of her that she would eventually take are of me....
So, after we wed - we talked about kids. It's then she told me that she didn't think she could bring up a kid in this world... I was sort of indifferent. I could go either way - but did feel a bit manipulated that one day she's emotionally crying over where our relationship was going.. and then after she got her way, backed out on what she said she wanted.
Our honeymoon was abysmal. I just wanted to romance and dine and have fun with my new wife.... and just be in LOVE. But she seemed so perturbed and uncomfortable. We made love 2 or 3 times. maybe. the last after I begged her. Awesome.
She switched to several new jobs. Most the time she was forced out because of how she treated people. She was too hard to please and be around. Most issues it seemed were never her fault - they were always someone else's. Very black and white stuff. No room for grey.
I was always there to support the fall. Listen about how she was wronged. And just take care of her. I worked from home - so i was sort of always the domestic one. I kept it all running. Cooked her meals, took care of our dogs... house, etc.
I would complain about our sex life - but she would say if I loved her I'd love her no matter what. That we were different and I would just have to make do.
So of course, I began to feel pretty used. I began to feel like it was my mission to prop this woman up - because I'm such a nice guy and caring husband. But it felt like she had no idea what i needed or what I wanted.. and If I did say something she took immediate offense that she wasn't good enough. It was very hard to talk about that stuff.
I began to notice she was starting to drive all of her friends off.. because of her domineering personalty. I someone wronged her, they were immediately cast out. For the littlest thing - there was no smoothing it over.
I felt like I was the ONLY thing in her life. That she never let herself out to enjoy life with her girlfriends... or the like. She had a few people she called friends, but they were that only superficial ones.
At first in our relationship, she seemed to be secure in everything.
Then later, she seemed so insecure about her body (she did gain some weight, but I never though less of her, still found her beautiful) and though I knew she was always a bit depressed, it seemed to get worse.
Sometimes it seems she only liked the things I liked (music, etc) but had a hard time picked what she liked. And no, not because I domineered her... she just sort of mirrored me.
At one point, I asked her if she could see an IC - because I thought she needed to talk about what was going on with sex - I just didnt' think it was healthy. And she turned around and yelled, "Well, I supposed you want to know I was raped too!"
Ooook.
She later told me she forgot that she told me about her brother abusing her. Which I found really odd.
I started to burn out. I felt like I was trying to be everything for this woman, but she seem chronically unhappy. Just a glass 1/2 empty sort. There was always a person to be mad at. There always seemed to be some huge drama at work.
No matter what I said - or the space I gave her for sex - and not pressure her, it seemed it really didn't get better. I was frustrated. And no amount of discussion could help. Sometimes, the littlest things became the biggest deals.
So, I began to road bike a lot on my own. I hiked a lot with our dogs solo - as she was working later and later. It seemed her work was the thing that mattered most to her. And despite me telling her to change things - take time for herself.... working was what she felt driven to do.
I'd make supper and she'd miss it.
And by this point, sex was just a perfunctory act. If she was drinking it could be good - but I hated having to alter my wife for real connecting sex.
I started to care less. Self served a lot more. She didnt' seem phased.
But yet, she was still unhappy with life. There was always someone - or something making her unhappy. And I just couldn't reach her. But her one solace was burying herself in work.
Sure we'd get out for vacations - but like our honeymoon it was hard to connect no matter how much space I gave her or any romantic gesture I provided. She was uncomfortable with intimacy.
So. Long story short. I started to have an emotional affair with a mutual friend. We would basically chat and type all the time to each other. We even went backpacking together -but strictly as friends (solo, no wife) But, it was what it was. It was a connection with someone that wanted me in their life and like a starving man to a dinner bell i was lured by it.
It felt great.
I wanted this same connection with my wife... but knew it wouldn't be.
I felt guilty. Despite how nice it was to feel appreciated. But eventually.... I knew all the things I was feeling for the OW was because of what I missing in my wife.
There was flirting, but it wasn't terribly sexual. But I knew it was more than friendship.
So. After feeling the guilt of this - and before it got physical, I demanded to my wife that we see a MC
I laid out to her how unhappy I was. That I needed more than I was getting. She was pushing me away. And that she had some intimacy issues... that I was enabling all this time. And that I wanted her to figure out her abuse, because it was wrecking us.
And I disclosed my AE. I told her who it was and that it was the catylist to figure things out.
I told her I was hurt for a lot of years of taking care of her, but it seemed to never go the other way. She felt I should love her unconditionally - and that I wasn't doing that. I felt like I was in a no-win situation. No matter what I tried.
Of course, the focus in the MC was my EA. But not what led things that way.. and certainly not what might be eating her.
She just didn't seem to take is seriously. And blamed me for all the issues.... when it felt like all i did was accommodate her for YEARS.
So, one day, when she bowed out of a counselling session - I told her I was done. I was ending the relationship... Something was missing for me - and I wasn't going to sit by anymore.
One thing I might add, is that 10 years ago i lost my brother to a horrific accident in front of my very eyes. I know how short life is. And I just figured what the hell am I doing with a person who refuses to try with me.
So. I moved out for a week. I couch surfed. I stayed with friends. I did hook up with the woman I had an AE with.
Then, a week later, I started to feel guilt of the highest order -esp after seeing my wife when I picked up our dogs or whatever.
I decided that I needed to tell her one last time how I felt about her. I still cared for her. And that it wasn't easy to let her go.
I am a caretaker sort, so leaving was potentially the hardest thing I've done, besides witness my brother's death.
So, I told her all that happened with my affair during the separation. I told her I wanted to at least explore what was going on.... with a new MC. And she was for it. But of course still quite focused and angry with my affair and me leaving.
I told her I understood her anger, but she had to work with me on how we got to where we were too...
So, more counseling. different MC.
She's finally talking about her sexual abuse. But I'm having a very very very hard time connecting. She says the only way she wants to work on it is with US- not her alone. I asked if I died, would she just give up on herself. Her answer was yes.
I feel at this point I am just playing the role to support her again, but I am here just for that. I am truly running on empty. I will admit, after my AE, that I got a taste of what an emotional connection can be...
I wonder if maybe all we were to be were good friends... and that no amount of counselling will get us healed, or to a place we've never been before anyhow. I'm afraid I can't be what she needs me to be - to just be the rock. I can't be that anymore. I felt like she pushed me away for so long that I'm finding it hard to feel that spark that I once did.
Nothing seems to make her happy - and I'm plain tired of trying.
Sometimes I think her past abuse has manifested a borderline personality disorder. I feel like I'm dealing with a little kid in some ways....
And I'm finding it really hard to respect her and how she deals with her problems. I know. it's terrible to feel that.
And now, when she tries to get closer to me.. my skin just crawls. It's like too little too late. I just feel like being in the other room from her.
I feel like a failure for not being stronger. And a failure for going outside my marriage. But, I am human. I think we all have our breaking points. I think I missed mine years ago and there may be no going back.
I love my wife. But I'm not sure I'm supposed to go through this to live life. It has to be easier than this.
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