Hi All,
Due to changes in my life, the time has come to either marry my long term partner or end things. The decision has to come soon. Our relationship has been challenging at times, but we've both put work into it and things are better than they were. The problem is that I remain unsure if marriage is what I want. I've been thinking about it a lot over the last few weeks, but I'm confused about my feelings and what is the right thing to do. We've let this drag on for too long and it's become damaging to us.
She feels that I should show my commitment and marry her then we work out issues as they come up, as a team. Of course that makes a lot of sense and it's how a marriage should work. However, in addition, she appears unwilling to consider long term plans unless we marry. I, however, think we've already committed a lot in our relationship and discussing our long term dreams should be a happy and easy thing. It shouldn't be something we need to get married to do. Neither should it be stressful. I feel that I want to marry someone who has the same long term goals as I do. I see marriage as a commitment to achieving those goals with that person. The problem is that I'm failing to get this point across.
Today I opened up discussions by saying that I'd like to have children in 2 or 3 years and that an important long term goal of mine would be to spend 2 or 3 month a year in the country I grew up (we both come from different countries and work abroad). I asked her how she felt about that and if that's something she would want to do with me. She got rather upset: she thinks I'm being selfish, that I'm placing my desires first, and she wants to know what I will do for her. She also twisted my words and paints what I said in negative light: claiming that I'm saying that marriage and kids are standing in the way of my goals. I've explained that I was just starting off the conversation and that I do want to hear what she wants too. I've told her now and in the past that I want to know what her dreams are and see how those merge with mine. She's very cagey on this topic. She says she can't say anything about this because she doesn't know how she'll feel in the future a nd she may change her mind. To me this sounds like BS (I didn't say that to her, though). She also says she doesn't see the point of having this discussion if we're not going to get married.
So I'm not happy and I'm stuck. I don't even know what feedback I'm expecting on here.
Thanks.
Due to changes in my life, the time has come to either marry my long term partner or end things. The decision has to come soon. Our relationship has been challenging at times, but we've both put work into it and things are better than they were. The problem is that I remain unsure if marriage is what I want. I've been thinking about it a lot over the last few weeks, but I'm confused about my feelings and what is the right thing to do. We've let this drag on for too long and it's become damaging to us.
She feels that I should show my commitment and marry her then we work out issues as they come up, as a team. Of course that makes a lot of sense and it's how a marriage should work. However, in addition, she appears unwilling to consider long term plans unless we marry. I, however, think we've already committed a lot in our relationship and discussing our long term dreams should be a happy and easy thing. It shouldn't be something we need to get married to do. Neither should it be stressful. I feel that I want to marry someone who has the same long term goals as I do. I see marriage as a commitment to achieving those goals with that person. The problem is that I'm failing to get this point across.
Today I opened up discussions by saying that I'd like to have children in 2 or 3 years and that an important long term goal of mine would be to spend 2 or 3 month a year in the country I grew up (we both come from different countries and work abroad). I asked her how she felt about that and if that's something she would want to do with me. She got rather upset: she thinks I'm being selfish, that I'm placing my desires first, and she wants to know what I will do for her. She also twisted my words and paints what I said in negative light: claiming that I'm saying that marriage and kids are standing in the way of my goals. I've explained that I was just starting off the conversation and that I do want to hear what she wants too. I've told her now and in the past that I want to know what her dreams are and see how those merge with mine. She's very cagey on this topic. She says she can't say anything about this because she doesn't know how she'll feel in the future a nd she may change her mind. To me this sounds like BS (I didn't say that to her, though). She also says she doesn't see the point of having this discussion if we're not going to get married.
So I'm not happy and I'm stuck. I don't even know what feedback I'm expecting on here.
Thanks.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment