Sorry for the LONG post, but I feel like I must provide as much detail as possible to get useful advice.
My wife of 8 years had an EA a little over a year ago. Her EA was with an ex boyfriend from her teen years and it almost destroyed our marriage. The EA was fully realized by me just as it started to cross the line, so I'll never know how far it would have gone. Either way, it destroyed the pure trust I had in my wife and has made me second guess her ever since.
Ultimately, I decided to give her another chance. We had/have too much going for us not to try. We have two beautiful daughters and the last thing I would want to do is cause them pain... After the EA, we setup some simple guidelines when dealing with people of the opposite sex... Most of all, we both agreed not to have contact with exes from our past.
Another guidelines was full transparency. I would have access to her Facebook and Email, etc. Most of 2013, I couldn't help but feeling like I needed to check up on her occasionally. Its something that someone in a marriage should NEVER feel like they have to do. Its miserable. But unfortunately, when your trust has been shatter, it can feel like the only way to ease your nerves and reassure yourself that things are on the up-and-up. Throughout the year, the need to check up on her dwindled and no hint of betrayal was ever found. I even made it a new-years resolution for 2014 to NOT check up on her AT ALL.
I did pretty good and rarely even thought about it. For some unknown reason though, I got the feeling like I should log onto her Facebook one morning this week only to find that her password has recently been changed. I find out that it was that very morning at 3 AM no less. Odd... I tried a couple of other passwords that she had used in the past and one of them worked. It was one of the passwords that she didn't know I knew.... Even more ODD.
I log into her Facebook account and click on her Messages link. Nothing out of the ordinary. I decide to leave the window open for a bit while I work. About 20 minutes later a new message comes in. I wait until the notification goes away so that I know she's read it and click the Messages link again. I immediately recognize who is messaging her...
Some back-story... My wife was previously married. Over the years I have uncovered, and I use the word uncovered because my wife doesn't communicate stuff like this with me, that she had cheated on her Ex husband a while before she initiated the divorce. I understand that the marriage had already soured and was in its final hours, but she still found another guy and cheated with him before ending the prior relationship. Its never resonated well with me, especially after the EA of 2013...
And, you've probably guessed it, but the guy she is currently talking to is the SAME guy that she cheated on her Ex husband with and then lived with over a year afterwards. (Note: this is not the same guy as the EA of 2013, but worse.) The messages are innocent enough, but I can tell that my wife is kind of driving the conversation. Messaging him more often with a lot of exclamation points and praise. I also notice that she has changed setting on the account to obscure the message activity. No push notification or popups. Muted, etc... A couple more messages go back and forth and I also notice that she is deleting the messages afterwards...
So, in summary (TLDR.) Wife has a history of cheating. Wife had an EA in 2013 that damaged our marriage. Just as it feels like trust has been reestablished on my part over a year later, she starts chatting with an Ex boyfriend that she cheated with previously. This shatters guidelines that we both talked about and agreed on after her EA.
I don't think I can go back to the not-trusting phase. No Man should feel like he MUST constantly check-up on his wife. I can't imagine how a Marriage like that can go-on indefinitely. Her motives might be innocent enough, but the fact that she changed her account password and is deleting new messages means she knows what she is doing is WRONG.
Could this be the last straw... If I confront her, she knows I'm snooping. Even if its justified, it will lead to a fight and she'll go more incognito. Might even push her more in that direction. I'm thinking I might just start the 180 and start taking steps towards preparing for divorce. Continue to casually monitor if/when I can for hints of escalation. Either way, I don't think I can go through another year of not trusting....
Thoughts...? Advice...? Other options...?
My wife of 8 years had an EA a little over a year ago. Her EA was with an ex boyfriend from her teen years and it almost destroyed our marriage. The EA was fully realized by me just as it started to cross the line, so I'll never know how far it would have gone. Either way, it destroyed the pure trust I had in my wife and has made me second guess her ever since.
Ultimately, I decided to give her another chance. We had/have too much going for us not to try. We have two beautiful daughters and the last thing I would want to do is cause them pain... After the EA, we setup some simple guidelines when dealing with people of the opposite sex... Most of all, we both agreed not to have contact with exes from our past.
Another guidelines was full transparency. I would have access to her Facebook and Email, etc. Most of 2013, I couldn't help but feeling like I needed to check up on her occasionally. Its something that someone in a marriage should NEVER feel like they have to do. Its miserable. But unfortunately, when your trust has been shatter, it can feel like the only way to ease your nerves and reassure yourself that things are on the up-and-up. Throughout the year, the need to check up on her dwindled and no hint of betrayal was ever found. I even made it a new-years resolution for 2014 to NOT check up on her AT ALL.
I did pretty good and rarely even thought about it. For some unknown reason though, I got the feeling like I should log onto her Facebook one morning this week only to find that her password has recently been changed. I find out that it was that very morning at 3 AM no less. Odd... I tried a couple of other passwords that she had used in the past and one of them worked. It was one of the passwords that she didn't know I knew.... Even more ODD.
I log into her Facebook account and click on her Messages link. Nothing out of the ordinary. I decide to leave the window open for a bit while I work. About 20 minutes later a new message comes in. I wait until the notification goes away so that I know she's read it and click the Messages link again. I immediately recognize who is messaging her...
Some back-story... My wife was previously married. Over the years I have uncovered, and I use the word uncovered because my wife doesn't communicate stuff like this with me, that she had cheated on her Ex husband a while before she initiated the divorce. I understand that the marriage had already soured and was in its final hours, but she still found another guy and cheated with him before ending the prior relationship. Its never resonated well with me, especially after the EA of 2013...
And, you've probably guessed it, but the guy she is currently talking to is the SAME guy that she cheated on her Ex husband with and then lived with over a year afterwards. (Note: this is not the same guy as the EA of 2013, but worse.) The messages are innocent enough, but I can tell that my wife is kind of driving the conversation. Messaging him more often with a lot of exclamation points and praise. I also notice that she has changed setting on the account to obscure the message activity. No push notification or popups. Muted, etc... A couple more messages go back and forth and I also notice that she is deleting the messages afterwards...
So, in summary (TLDR.) Wife has a history of cheating. Wife had an EA in 2013 that damaged our marriage. Just as it feels like trust has been reestablished on my part over a year later, she starts chatting with an Ex boyfriend that she cheated with previously. This shatters guidelines that we both talked about and agreed on after her EA.
I don't think I can go back to the not-trusting phase. No Man should feel like he MUST constantly check-up on his wife. I can't imagine how a Marriage like that can go-on indefinitely. Her motives might be innocent enough, but the fact that she changed her account password and is deleting new messages means she knows what she is doing is WRONG.
Could this be the last straw... If I confront her, she knows I'm snooping. Even if its justified, it will lead to a fight and she'll go more incognito. Might even push her more in that direction. I'm thinking I might just start the 180 and start taking steps towards preparing for divorce. Continue to casually monitor if/when I can for hints of escalation. Either way, I don't think I can go through another year of not trusting....
Thoughts...? Advice...? Other options...?
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