Oh dear...sitting here feeling just as low (if not lower) than I did when I found out that my ex wife was cheating on me 18 months ago :-(
I've been in a (seemingly) great relationship with a 35 year old mum of 3 little ones since February (I am full time parent to a 5 year old boy too). She seemed to be so "into" our relationship and was super keen at the beginning with talks of me and my son moving in with her (she lives about 90 mins away), us getting married, her kids buying me Fathers' day gifts. We fell in love deeply, intensely, and quickly...but although I did/do love her I didn't want to rush into anything like living together just yet...I still wanted to be with her.
Despite the fact that it was good, I always felt like I had to "slot into" her life (she could never relocate because her parents have just bought her a house right next to them, her parents are around her 24/7, she has a very clingy best friend, she works 7 days a week...and she seemed very much to be "controlled" by her parents and friends). It was hard to find time to be together and I started to feel like I was doing most of the running (I'd always drive to her because she was so busy, I often felt like I was feeding off whatever scraps of time she had available)...and while I respected that she probably had no choice in that, small cracks started to appear.
For example, on my birthday weekend we had planned to spend it together...and we had looked forward to this for a while. When it came around I got a little annoyed because she worked, slept, and then announced she had to go to her cousin's BBQ (which she hadn't told me about). I could have gone with her...but felt a little annoyed and hurt that she didn't seem to care about us spending the day together as we'd planned...so I didn't go. We had an argument about this...and a couple of other similar arguments followed.
Over the next few weeks she became very irritable, colder, distant. I tried hard to communicate with her about what was wrong but I always got nothing from her. She isn't a great communicator. Slowly, it felt like the sweet things we both did to make each other feel loved were becoming increasingly one sided (her text messages slowed, she seemed annoyed to hear from me). So I became confused...she said she was fine...clearly she wasn't. I asked her if she was having second thoughts...she said no. Eventually, after weeks of this coldness (and a spoiled camping trip with our kids where she was ultra miserable it seemed) she said she felt depressed and overwhelmed with her life and she didn't know what to do but that she didn't want to end our relationship...but didn't like dragging me into her mess.
I accepted that and said I'd take her out for a really nice date at the weekend. We went to a really nice restaurant and had a lovely evening together cuddling and being close...she seemed so normal that weekend. In the morning, she woke up early and went to work...kissed me goodbye like usual. Then I went to do some work on her computer (as I usually did)...and open on the screen was a paid dating site subscription she'd made two days ago :mad: She had a profile up and had been messaging numerous guys...
I was gutted. I asked her about it when she got home and she said it was nothing, just something her friends and her did at work for fun. I didn't buy that...and was pretty annoyed. She said she didn't want us to split up, was ultra confused and depressed...and didn't know what to do. She was crying and upset. I suggested we maybe need some space to think...she agreed. However, in the first few days after that...I couldn't get that website out of my head...and I texted her and called her a few times to say I think she should take it down and cancel it. She was very annoyed by this...said I was pressuring her and was pretty nasty to me in all communications.
So I got annoyed one night and pushed her on it some more. The next day I had an e-mail from her saying she was furious at how pressuring I'm being and that she had wanted to take a break to clear her head but that I'm clearly not happy with that and so she had to let me break free. I thanked her for this and ignored her for a few days. Had an e-mail reaching out to me from her...asked me to call...so I called in a day or so. We chatted...but she was standoffish...although clearly relieved I'd called her. So I suggested we take a complete break and speak again in a week or so...after we cool down. She said "definitely" and seemed OK with that.
I have left her alone for a week now...no contact at all...but I'm really missing her, still pretty confused and upset about WTF happened here?! And don't know whether I should call her, write her an e-mail, or do anything at all?! I'm shocked and hurt that she (a) could not communicate with me about how she was feeling, and (b) was disrespectful enough to join a dating website while we were together. I don't know whether I should try to calmly get to the bottom of this and see if we can work it out...or whether I should run for the hills. Clearly, she is confused and unable to tell me what's going on in her head. But I'm not a mind reader...
I guess I just wanted some perspective from others...I've felt like crap this weekend because all of this has just opened many of the old painful wounds from my unfaithful ex wife :-(
I've been in a (seemingly) great relationship with a 35 year old mum of 3 little ones since February (I am full time parent to a 5 year old boy too). She seemed to be so "into" our relationship and was super keen at the beginning with talks of me and my son moving in with her (she lives about 90 mins away), us getting married, her kids buying me Fathers' day gifts. We fell in love deeply, intensely, and quickly...but although I did/do love her I didn't want to rush into anything like living together just yet...I still wanted to be with her.
Despite the fact that it was good, I always felt like I had to "slot into" her life (she could never relocate because her parents have just bought her a house right next to them, her parents are around her 24/7, she has a very clingy best friend, she works 7 days a week...and she seemed very much to be "controlled" by her parents and friends). It was hard to find time to be together and I started to feel like I was doing most of the running (I'd always drive to her because she was so busy, I often felt like I was feeding off whatever scraps of time she had available)...and while I respected that she probably had no choice in that, small cracks started to appear.
For example, on my birthday weekend we had planned to spend it together...and we had looked forward to this for a while. When it came around I got a little annoyed because she worked, slept, and then announced she had to go to her cousin's BBQ (which she hadn't told me about). I could have gone with her...but felt a little annoyed and hurt that she didn't seem to care about us spending the day together as we'd planned...so I didn't go. We had an argument about this...and a couple of other similar arguments followed.
Over the next few weeks she became very irritable, colder, distant. I tried hard to communicate with her about what was wrong but I always got nothing from her. She isn't a great communicator. Slowly, it felt like the sweet things we both did to make each other feel loved were becoming increasingly one sided (her text messages slowed, she seemed annoyed to hear from me). So I became confused...she said she was fine...clearly she wasn't. I asked her if she was having second thoughts...she said no. Eventually, after weeks of this coldness (and a spoiled camping trip with our kids where she was ultra miserable it seemed) she said she felt depressed and overwhelmed with her life and she didn't know what to do but that she didn't want to end our relationship...but didn't like dragging me into her mess.
I accepted that and said I'd take her out for a really nice date at the weekend. We went to a really nice restaurant and had a lovely evening together cuddling and being close...she seemed so normal that weekend. In the morning, she woke up early and went to work...kissed me goodbye like usual. Then I went to do some work on her computer (as I usually did)...and open on the screen was a paid dating site subscription she'd made two days ago :mad: She had a profile up and had been messaging numerous guys...
I was gutted. I asked her about it when she got home and she said it was nothing, just something her friends and her did at work for fun. I didn't buy that...and was pretty annoyed. She said she didn't want us to split up, was ultra confused and depressed...and didn't know what to do. She was crying and upset. I suggested we maybe need some space to think...she agreed. However, in the first few days after that...I couldn't get that website out of my head...and I texted her and called her a few times to say I think she should take it down and cancel it. She was very annoyed by this...said I was pressuring her and was pretty nasty to me in all communications.
So I got annoyed one night and pushed her on it some more. The next day I had an e-mail from her saying she was furious at how pressuring I'm being and that she had wanted to take a break to clear her head but that I'm clearly not happy with that and so she had to let me break free. I thanked her for this and ignored her for a few days. Had an e-mail reaching out to me from her...asked me to call...so I called in a day or so. We chatted...but she was standoffish...although clearly relieved I'd called her. So I suggested we take a complete break and speak again in a week or so...after we cool down. She said "definitely" and seemed OK with that.
I have left her alone for a week now...no contact at all...but I'm really missing her, still pretty confused and upset about WTF happened here?! And don't know whether I should call her, write her an e-mail, or do anything at all?! I'm shocked and hurt that she (a) could not communicate with me about how she was feeling, and (b) was disrespectful enough to join a dating website while we were together. I don't know whether I should try to calmly get to the bottom of this and see if we can work it out...or whether I should run for the hills. Clearly, she is confused and unable to tell me what's going on in her head. But I'm not a mind reader...
I guess I just wanted some perspective from others...I've felt like crap this weekend because all of this has just opened many of the old painful wounds from my unfaithful ex wife :-(
Put the internet to work for you.
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