| I will try as much as I can to be concise...Warning long post, but please read!! Basically me and my GF have been together for just over a year and I am very much in love with her, I have developed a deep connection with her and I consider our relationship serious. Now with that aside, years ago when I was 14 (now 22) I had a homosexual experience with a boy my age. At the time I was vulnerable and emotional with the death of my father (who died the same year), I also think that I had low self esteem issues and didn't really feel as though I had a connection with any female(s). Basically in a very strange way, me and the said boy became close and I was emotional attached to him, I felt a deep sense of warmth from him. Now, as for him as a person he was as camp as they come, you could certainly tell he was gay. With his hairstyle, fashion sense and high pitched tone (obviously not all homosexuals fit this stereotype). I guess I looked up to him, and basically it ended up with me getting really close to him, I kissed him passionately, and I remember something clicking and I felt great afterwards. But felt shameful for liking it. I spent a long long time being confused about my sexuality from that point on and I wasn't sure if the death of my father had contributed,and that really the absence of a father figure caused me to do such a thing. Maybe I was after a close male bond. Basically I started seeing the same guy, and we indulged in oral sex, foreplay, and attempted intercourse. I kept this a secret, but the thrill of it excited me (at the time)...however I felt ashamed and didn't want to tell my mother or brother. I longed for the guy a feeling which was alien to me before...which made things more confusing. I'd never felt attracted to another male but I kept it hidden inside because I felt what I was feeling was wrong. I held a lot of self hatred and it also contributed to the fact I thought I couldn't get a gf because my self esteem was bad even before this event, so after the fact even harder to deal with. I think girls made me feel inferior, I never felt like a real man, and never thought another girl would ever love me or that I could please her; one reason why I thought I was gay. In the end, it transpired that he didn't love me, he tried blackmailing me and telling my family, as a means of distancing himself from me. My self esteem took a hit and ive never really forgotten that moment, it haunts me. The fact he did that to me, and also the feeling of not being able to accept what I did. Fast forward a few years on, and I met a guy much older than myself, he was a friend of a friend, me and him got close, I told him I was attracted to him weirdly. After we spent a lot of time driving around in his car. I knew he was gay/bi since he would tell me all these stories of what he did with guys, and I kind of liked it. We would kiss, and I would sleep over at his house and we got closer as time went on. I would tell my mum I was sleeping at a friends...but really at his. We would have foreplay. But all the while, I would feel used, like he was taking advantage, though I was pleasured from the acts. It kind of awakened my sexual taste and it became much clearer now that I wasn't straight. But I hated myself for it, hated what I'd become, I would have conflicts with myself over it. And almost hide it and put it to the back of my mind. At this point I was still very much attracted to women...though I'd never experienced things with a female. I was never really sure I found all men attractive as a gender, more specific people with whom I shared a connection. A lot of time has passed me by, I'm 22 now and I'm at university, I no longer have contact with these men. I never really have a lustful thought for them, nor am I attracted to males now. I met a lovely girl a year ago, things developed gradually and it's a committed/serious relationship. I love her more than anything but I feel insane guilt in the fact that I have never ever mentioned these 'experiences' because I never thought them to be relevant and also they are personal to me. They no longer play a part in my life, although I can't deny them, I feel as though I am not gay. I have sexual contact with my gf and I achieve an erection and evidently so; I am attracted to the opposite sex. So perhaps I am bi. I do however still think of myself as straight, because its easier to accept. I didn't tell her, and maybe I should've done, but in doing so I don't think she would still be here with me. It is hard having to live with it all, but have no choice. I am serious about her, and so need to be honest with her, but I think she won't accept me. I had a conversation with her in a hypothetical sense and told her "if you knew a guy had had same-sex experiences but went out with a girl [her] would you find it creepy/break up with him?" Her response was pretty much "yes it would be creepy, it's gross, people who are gay need therapy!" also that "it's not natural and their from another planet, man and woman were made to procreate etc". Deep down this hurt me, and I'm feeling somewhat cold towards my GF for her homophobic attitude. Yet again, I knew that she was from a conservative background, her parents act like their from the Victorian era. She had a sheltered upbringing....I don't know what to do?? :/ I love her soo much, and I know if I confess it'll break her heart. She'll leave me. I don't want to end up being a lonely guy wanting to be in a relationship with women, but being unable to because of my past. I've kept my sexuality to myself for 8yrs, didn't want to tell my mum thought she'd be ashamed....any advice? | |||
| | |||
| | |||
|
No comments:
Post a Comment