| I've posted a few times, about wife having a very brief EA during an exceedingly difficult time in our marriage. We've since reconciled, counseling, etc. and are doing well in our relationship. We have talked about it, and after some time and lots of questions, have mutually agreed to "let it go." In other words, at this point, my motivations for bringing it up would only be to throw it into her face, and so while it does occupy my mind at times, we are committed to moving forward and letting this go. We have both been to individual counseling (different therapists), and also been to couples counseling. Our relationship is good, happy, etc. and we have gone on trips (just us, not the kids) and have really reconnected in open and honest ways. Truthfully, our relationship appears to be stronger than I remember it, and we both are excited about the future with each other. With respect to the EA, it was just emails, no sexting, no pictures, no gifts, no calls, etc. How do I know? I asked her and I believe her. At the point these questions came up, neither of us was motivated to lie about any of it. I also was able to assess her reactions and believe she was telling the truth. She was truly remorseful about hurting me, and struggled with forgiving herself. I think we both are thankful it was discovered before it progressed into that kind of territory, which of course would have moved into a PA as well. I believe this would have ultimately been termed an "exit affair" as she was ready to leave our marriage. During this time, I had many epiphanies about my life, and made some drastic changes for the better - to better myself, which I certainly hoped would help our marriage. But I realized that I had several unhealthy behaviors that not only hurt my marriage, but hurt my children, friends and family. They have all seen positive change in me, and while they don't all know about my marriage crisis, let alond the EA, they have certainly acknowledged the positive change in me. And many of the changes I made certainly had a positive impact on my wife, and I believe this was part of the reason we are still together. Without sounding self-loathing, it is true that many of the problems in our marriage were my fault. We have discussed this, and I bluntly stated that NOTHING either of us did in any way excused or justified the EA - that was wrong, period! She definitely agreed. I am NOT blaming myself for the EA, but I do acknowledge my role in our marriage which ultimately created a situation where an EA was possible. She is clearly at fault for the EA, I am NOT to blame for that. However, I certainly had unhealthy behaviors that have since changed. I'm rambling...sorry... Anyway, during our crisis, the following people have knowledge of her EA: my therapist, the couples counselor, and her therapist. These are the three folks who she knows are knowledgeable of her EA. However, there are several others that she does NOT know are aware of her EA, including 3 mutuals friends. I told them on DDay, and they have helped me as friends do during this time. Her parents know about our crisis, but NOT about her EA. A few, very few, others know about our marriage problems, but not about her EA. I guess I am resentful for this. I certainly am not perfect, and have behaved in bad ways, and to varying degrees they know this. However, they don't know that she had an EA, and have no idea what I've had to go through, and what she put me through. Yes, I'm a little resentful of that. I guess I am questioning my motivation for wanting them to know. To tell them she's not perfect? To build myself up - oh, what a great guy to come back from that betrayal? I don't know why this bothers me, but it does. If I bring it up to anyone at this point, what is my motivation? I don't have an answer, but maybe someone can chime in with their thoughts? Of course, my brain is telling me to let it go, that bringing it up with only hurt us both. I don't know, just very conflicted... thanks for reading, sorry it was so long... | |||
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