| I just need to put this all down on paper... It's been almost a week since D day... After suspecting for some time that my husband was perhaps engaging in an affair, I had found some very flirtatious/sexual toned emails between himself and a female coworker and another woman he had worked with in his industry. I confronted him about this and he said they were just "jokes". I had questioned him SO many times about whether he was happy in our marriage and if there was something going on that was inappropriate. I asked him if there were other emails which I did not see after snooping in his email and on his phone. He denied that he was having an affair. He kept up with the "they were just jokes" and they "don't mean anything", "everyone in our office is like this". He also went on a trip with a group of men whom he admits are mostly cheating on their wives on this trip. I caught him in a lie about his whereabouts on the trip ( he denied going to the strippers on the trip and then tried to cover his tracks when I knew he lied to me). He also had some disturbing conversations in emails with these guys to say he would keep their cheating a secret when he had a choice not to say anything at all.... He says it was all "guy" talk".... I knew we had drifted apart in the last few years for many reasons and he had been rejecting any intimate physical contact with me. I KNEW in my gut there was something wrong! My self esteem had gone into the toilet and I was desperately searching for a way to make my husband want me again... It was killing me inside. At the same time I was pregnant and wanted desperately to believe that he was telling the truth. It was like he was two different people.. The man I married and this other horny, teenager.... flirting and talking about sex but never wanting to be with me... In Feb he did admit, after I totally lost my **** and told him I was considering if I wanted to go on with our marriage, (feels like I had to hit him over the head with a 2x4 to get him to say it!) that the email I had confronted him with were inappropriate and that he would stop. He kept saying he didn't think there was anything wrong with what he was doing as it was just a joke and there was no intent behind it. I tried to suggest that maybe he enjoyed the attention from the other women and I could understand that. I even said I felt the same when other men would compliment me as I was so desperate for some validation that I wasn't totally repulsive as a woman! I told him of some very suggestive emails, pictures and a proposal from one man to have an affair. When I asked him if it bothered him, he said "no, because I know you will never do anything"! He denied he enjoyed the attention he gained from the emails. Meanwhile, I had started IC as I was just a basket case. It se emed to help a bit and I thought we were starting to regain some of our lost intimacy in our relationship. I just couldn't shake that there was more to this than I was aware of when I would question him about these women... He didn't exactly lie to me but he did not divulge the extent of what was going on to me as I found some emails to the second woman that were ten times worse than what I had seen originally. These emails were very sexual in nature. They started in the summer of 2011 and went thru to the end of July 2012. I had missed these emails in my first snooping and only came across them last week. I felt sick. The emails grew in their intensity with hints of "old memories" and wanting to make some "new memories". He told her her "oral books" aroused him and that he was going to go home and masturbate. He said it was too bad he had deleted them as they were great inspiration for him. they took these conversations to Whatsapp from their work emails as they must have known they were wrong... they spoke of "some secrets are not to mention to others but great to make".. when the emails would get intense he suggested that he had an idea and asked her to send him her contact info .....from there the messages had continued on Whatsapp and I can only guess what those said! I had to confront him that night about what I'd seen. He was actually at her company golf tournament that very day.... I guess that was what hap prompted me to have another look..... When I confronted him, I just told him I wanted to talk about what was going on between him and J. He tried to beat around the bush and finally, after I kept pushing him, he got angry enough to say to me" you want to know why I did it"? He swears it never went to a PA but refused to say he had an affair. He says they never met up while these emails were going on and that there were no talks or plans to meet as he didn't want that to happen. He says she was having similar issues at home and it all emotional as she understood what he was going through. He doesn't see what he did as an affair and that's why he said he was denying it all this time when I was questioning him. He said he felt rejected by me back then and thought I didn't love him as I started sleeping in the other room (due to his snoring and leaving for work at 5am.) He said he thought I didn't want him anymore and that he felt I had "checked out" of our marriage due to my disinterest in sex, that I was spending m ore and more time away from home at my hobby. He says he was sure I was going to leave him and had suspicions that I had had an affair. He says he thinks he rejected me out of spite. He sys he never stopped loving me but thought I was no loner in love with him. He opened up about his terrible childhood and the emotional, physical abuse that went on as well as having caught his father cheating red handed... He sys they never spoke of their feelings EVER. He says he has never been good at talking about his feelings. I never knew any of this.... He says he was embarrassed, ashamed and felt guilty for what he did and didn't want to tell me because of that and because he didn't want to hurt me. It was a revelation but also a relief to know I wasn't going friggin crazy this whole time as I often felt that way when he would tell me I was over-reacting and taking it all out of context. I feel like an idiot as I never dreamt he would do something like this... I never saw it happening til much later.... He swears it was never going to be physical and he ended it as he realized that it was getting out of hand. He says he decided that he wanted to work on his marriage and not become like his father. I just can't believe he just kept all of this inside... If only he had said something to me ... I could have stopped this from happening in the first place.... He said that we were both at fault for what happened.. I am angry in one sense at this because I didn't MAKE him do this. HE made that decision to have an EA INSTEAD of coming to me.... I do own that my actions or lack of, contributed to the factors that lead to the EA but I told him I will not take responsibility for his poor decisions. I'm still very hurt and angry but I can understand how we got here.... I don't want to hold onto those feeling but I can seem to stop feeling like I cant completely trust him or ever will. Sometimes I hate him and sometimes I am just so incredibly sad.... We both wanted the very same things but because we didn't talk to each other we have been touched by infidelity..... I am still paranoid every time he is on the damn phone messaging or emailing.... I fell the need to repeatedly go over everything... we were camping together in July and I never knew.... It's agonizing and I hope that my IC and our MC will help us to move forward. He says he just wants to focus on us and moving forward and that this will never happen again... I want to believe so badly... Things are better than they have ever been but I am scared that if he hid his feelings so well before, even after I was obsessive about questioning him, that I will never be sure he is being honest about his feelings with me .... I told him he DID have an affair, even though it was emotional, it still did the same damage as if he had been physical with her. I guess we are in recovery and I hope that we can make this work... for us... for our family.... I do still love him desperately. How on earth does one recover trust again though.....How do you deal with someone who doesn't speak openly about how they feel... sometimes I think our marriage was so shallow.... I just hope we love each other enough to put the work into having a REAL marriage now..... | |||
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