| Background: WH and I are both 36, in our second marriages. We each bring two kids to the family, for a total of 4. I am 6 months pregnant with our only mutual child. I was married for 12 years before this marriage, he was married for about three. About 10 months ago, I separated from my husband. We were having serious fights and I filed DV charges on him. Which, to be fair, I should NOT have done. He went to jail for a night, and I got a restraining order against him. We lived separately and could not speak for almost 6 weeks. We reconciled and agreed to work on our issues. Started IC and MC, as well as began to walk in accountability with two other couples in our church. We agreed not to hold onto the past, but to work through it and build a better marriage. I thought things were going well. I became pregnant three months into our reconciliation. I thought we were communicating well. I was wrong. Three weeks ago, I decided to go with my gut and check the phone records. Yep. There they were, tons and tons of texts to a number that didn't show up in his phone. They were deleted. Not to mention the phone calls. They started on May 9th. I texted the number, got a few responses, and then went into the bedroom. Well, I didn't breathe or think things through. I am a redhead. I am pregnant. I do have ADHD. I went into our bedroom and demanded answers. I bet you can guess what happened! He got defensive, and said I was too suspicious and that he would NEVER check up on me like that. He then said that he had started it because he was still hurt over the things I did when I left him last summer. The next few days went as you would expect. I moped. I cried. I begged. I said I was sorry for driving him to do that. I demanded. I yelled. I jumped on him, trying to get his damn phone out of his hand. I called the OW, which resulted in him taking my phone from me and smashing it. (I got a pretty little iphone 5 to replace it...and he's jealous! tee hee) Anyhow, he said he would end the relationship. Now, in my previous marriage, about 1 year in, I had an EA with a high school friend who lived 600 miles away. I confessed. I ended it. I KNOW how hard it is to do that. I know the relapse danger. I know that you can't believe a WS when they make a statement to end an EA in the heat of the moment. They are trying to shut you up. I know. I know all about trickle truth. I've DONE IT ALL!!! So, did I believe him? No. But I hoped for the best. A few days later, I got a call about my dad. I had to drive 3 hours away, and didn't make it to the hospital before he died. It was Monday, June 3. I got there an hour after he died. It was hard, is still hard, and will be hard for a while. Anyhow, my siblings and I went to the nursing home where Daddy had been, and cleaned out his room. My WH decided that this would be the best time to tell me that I was right, that he was still talking to OW, and that he tried to end it, but that she told him that she was in acute renal failure, had dialysis once a week, and was going to die. He wanted to be there for her. Again, I didn't handle it well. I mean, my dad had been dead for five hours. Really? He wanted me to understand how bad life was for her, and how he wanted to be there for her. Needless to say, I was furious. I didn't understand why he didn't want to be there for me, his high risk pregnant wife whose dad had just died. I shut down for a day. Then I told him that if he was so unhappy with me, he needed to leave. He said ok. And then I refused to talk to him for 24 hours. I cooled down, but became distant towards him. Meanwhile, I read Love Must Be Tough, and Not Just Friends. I wrote him an ultimatum letter, but my counselor said not to make any decisions within the first week of Daddy's death. Fair enough. I decided to take care of me and the baby, since by this time, I had lost 5 lbs and my blood pressure was at a risky level. I got my nails done. I went out with friends. I hung out with our kids. I alternated between being clingy and distant, it's true, for the first day or two. He called me annoying. Told me how amazing the OW was. He was sarcastic and mean. I responded with distant kindness and refused to engage in conflict via text. I told him that I would not sleep in our bed while he was texting with her. I also told him that I would not discuss our relationship unless we were in our MC office, or with one of our accountability couples. I also let him know that he was free to make a choice between me and OW, without any expectations on my part. I also let him know that whatever he decided, I would be ok, but that I couldn't guarantee that our marriage would be ok if he chose to wallow in his hurt and continue the relationship. I also told him that he could have some time to think, but that if he was unwilling to work through his hurt and end this relationship, then he would need to leave. Of course, he blustered and told me that I would leave, not him. I didn't respond, didn't engage in that conversation. So, last night, June 15, I let him know that I was committed to our marriage and working on things, but I had no control over him. I told him that since we were at a standstill---I can't FORCE him to leave, that I would be moving to our finished basement, and distancing myself from him. I told him that I would no longer call him or text him, nor would I spend time with him. I would take care of our kids and our home, but to me, we were simply roommates who had to share a kitchen and bathroom. This morning we went to church. Our two couples know of the situation. He acted like the good husband, and was very affectionate towards me. I was cool and he wanted to know why I was distant. LOL. During worship, I was singing and started crying quietly (I'm prego, I get away with that!) and kneeled to pray. He wrote me a note that said, "Ok. I will stop it." I have still been distant today. I can tell he has tried to end things. I gave him space to do so. He is now depressed and withdrawn, which to me, are good signs. I told him that I understood what he was going through and would give him empathy and support to be strong as he broke things off. So. Here we go. Let's see if he truly does break things off. I'll give it a few days before I check the phone records. If he doesn't, my next step is to suspend his phone line or tell him he needs to separate his line from our family plan. I won't share my minutes and data and texts on MY family plan with her. Thanks for reading. I've been on the other side, so I know this won't be easy for him or me. But I will continue to take care of myself, our kids, the baby inside of me, and grieve for my dad as I can. | |||
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