Everything Just Hit Me Hard Last Week...

Wow, if anyone ever thought that divorce would be easy, they're crazy. Being apart from my ex for about a year and a half now, and I guess I have been stuffing my feelings, and rushing through the grieving process, I just wanted everything to go away, and move on. So does everyone else I bet. Last Friday I realized that I have lots of healing to do yet, and I need to properly feel the the pain, go through the grief after being with someone for 24 years. I originally thought that since I was miserable in my marriage (the last two years), and that I took the step to end it, that I wouldn't need to go through any pain or grief, and if I did it meant that I really didn't want to end the marriage, or that I cared, and that would make me vulnerable, weak. But, after reading, and researching, I realize that even if you ended the relationship, weren't happy etc., you still have to go through the same feelings. So what triggered all this?? Friday I dropped the kids off at their father's new place.....he moved in with the girlfriend.....yep, I got the full tour of their place by the happy couple. I thought I could manage it, I don't have any hard feelings toward the g/f, it is what it is. I left, and realized that I was starting to feel ill. I went over to a friend's house, had a couple of drinks talked about it a bit, but still didn't feel better. It took a couple of days to really understand that going through divorce is really tough, and while I have no regrets, I still have to muddle through the process, and I hate feeling pain, In the past I chose to escape any pain or stress, and I can no longer function by doing that. It didn't help in my marriage when I avoided problems by escaping either. I am not ready to do the "combined activities", and I told the ex that I will not be present for my daughter's birthday party at his place, that I am having one here, and that I feel that it is not my place, and is unhealthy for me to be there....maybe next year..maybe never. And I guess that's ok. What am I supposed to say at a party that involves g/f's family, his family, and a few friends? lol, yeah, no thanks. Deep breaths.

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