| Hi, I am 24 and my husband is 28. I am at my wits end with my sex life right now, this has been an issue since the beginning of our marriage and i am getting fed up with it. Basically my husband acts like sex is something he doesnt care about at all, although he may say differently his actions do nothing but show it. I feel like i am a loved wife and mother yet as sexually appetizing as a houseplant to him. We are coming up on our 5th wedding anniversary this year and I cant help but feel defeated. I feel very undesirable, unsexy, and sometimes i find myself longing for something more or thinking about how great it would be to feel wanted sexually. I am a stay at home mother and about to be a full-time student in a week. He loves me, is wonderful to me, works his butt off, and is an amazing father and husband is many ways but he just doesnt put sex as a priority. I could probably count on one hand how many times he has initiated sex in our entire 7 year relationship, although he would tell me differently, and we have discussed, argued, and i have cried many nights as an effect. He has turned me down many times throughout our relationship and although he would never understand despite my explaining, it feels humiliating and awful. He just doesnt seem to have a drive for me yet I have discovered in the last few months that he has a drive to masturbate. I had given up on having sex as often as i would be complacent with (3-4 times a week) and settled into a routine of once every 7-10 days (again with only my initiation) although it was killing me because i guess i just told myself that this was our marriage and how it was going to be. Well thats when I found out he used porn 4 times in a week to get off! This is after we both had promised each other to never use porn and kept my end with difficulty so it was doubly hurtful and deceitful. I felt betrayed, and totally neglected! Here i was, always wanting and he was getting himself off! I was irate to say the least, but now i have had all of the technology on lock-down out of insecurity. For those who want to say something about that being too controlling or unreasonable, I say to you: I love porn. I used to watch with him, and even more than him. It was welcome in our relationship. It wasnt until years of not being pursued in the slightest and being turned down that it became an evident pattern that he would choose that over me. I could be with him every morning for a week with no spark of interest on his part and even him making excuses all day to avoid even the prospect of sex but the next day i can be gone for an hour and there he is using porn. That to me feels like cheating and selfishness, and it makes his excuse of low testosterone or sex drive void. I wouldnt even mind if he could be open about it like share with me or discuss or show me, but he is secretive about it and lies upon being caught. I DO NOT want to be a cop or his mother, but i just feel so inadequate against it now that i cant help but obsess about him doing it. We are now at a point th at it has been 3 months since this incident and to my knowledge he hasnt used it although i did find a search on his phone this morning for "erotica stories." I just find my trust for him in this area to be gone. Anyway, when we have sex it is amazing, always. Although i have been frustrated lately with the fact that i always have to start the festivities, sometimes i want to be ravished and he is not aggressive enough in that way. He is a wonderful lover however and I think we are just skilled for each other in many ways. I also know that i take care of myself, people tell me im beautiful, i weigh the same or less as when we met, im wild in bed and always want to try new exciting things so i feel like i am many men's ideal yet he takes it for granted. I will go down on him for days, enjoy anal, and have tried many different things always trying to keep it exciting for us both. He has never put any effort into suggesting new things, he is tight-lipped about any fantasies of his, and recently he has even voiced some things that were shocking to me. I put on some lingirie before we were about to have sex which i never do and he went off on a tangent starting almost angrily with, "Why do you have to wear stuff like that?" then he proceeded to tell me that, He doesnt ever want to try new things in bed, that with him all i will ever get is regular sex, and that if i didnt like it maybe i should find someone else who would be more willing to do exciting things with me. I couldnt help but feel this was a death sentence of sorts as i thrive on fantasizing about doing anything and everything with him as i am very sexual and love doing new things. I again expressed my need to have him initiate sometimes, and he said. "I pursued you. We got married. The End." He has expressed this attitude before, as if because we are married and he got me that our romance or relationship is done and he also thinks relationships shouldnt require any effort or they are failures, which could explain why i always feel like im doing 95% of our marriage. Anyway i have some thoughts although i would love people to ask questions even if theyre tough to hear and make suggestions as to what i should do. -Is he passive aggressive and using it to punish me, it does feel this way sometimes? -Am i too controlling in other aspects so he uses sex as his way to have power? -Is he bored with me or the idea of being with one person this long in general? -Is he just always so stressed all the time with menial things that sex is a chore? -Have i emasculated him by expressing that i would love more sex than maybe he needs?? -Have i babied him or mothered him too much and this has put off sex with me to him? -He does use being overworked and tired as an excuse yet I know that we still had this problem when he barely worked. -He also tested for low T last year although it was a general physician who wrongly tested him in the evening at the lowest time for t levels when you're supposed to test at 8 am. Also he was given supplementation and that didnt help either although his levels were then shown to be borderline high. I just love sex, we love it when we have it and it is confusing :confused: to me for someone to not want it. I love my sexuality and i fear it is going to wither and die and that i will look back on my life and regret always feeling unfulfilled when im still able to have great sex. I just know our marriage would be perfect if he could make an effort in this area. He thinks it is my problem and im like an oversexed nympho for wanting sex everyday. I have told him 3 times a week would be adequate however and he acts like if we have sex twice in a 3 day period we are like cats in heat or something. As a matter of fact if i come onto him i usually hear a count in hours or days as to how we just had sex ________ days ago. The funny thing is he will say 2 days when it has actually been 5! That is the most annoying thing in the world to me. Who cares if we even had sex 2 hours ago??? He thinks if he gives me good sex one night i should be good for a real long time and i dont think h e is sympathetic to my sexual needs at all. If this were true people would be satiated from one really good lay for their entire lives lol. He swears im real attractive and that he wants me yet he has told me that if i never initiated, we would never have it. (That one hurt) Also i know he is joking but i feel like he has picked my physical appearance apart and this has made it even worse. I dont know if this is from his own insecurities or if he is really just oblivious to how women are insecure but he has joked/made negative comments about my boobs, my butt, my arms, my legs, my hair, my nose, my teeth, my stomach, and even my lady parts! Over the years i have found it difficult to forget even one of these comments so i feel so ugly although i know deep down im not and that he is just playing. It would even be okay if there was flirting or complements to outweigh this, but alas there are not unless i fish for them. I think maybe he is just clueless in some ways of a how a woman would like to be talked to. Anyway ENOUGH rambling, WHAT SHOULD I DO TO START MAKING A CHANGE? What tricks to get him initiating, i want to try to ignore him and refrain from being sexual, but in the past i break down after 2.5 weeks and am filled with more anger and resentment with each passing day. | |||
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