| Hello everyone, It has been a long time since I have posted. I apologize for the length of this post but this is about a person I deeply care about and want to provide as much info as possible. thanks for any insights ... Last spring the wheels came off my 8 year marriage and the ex-wife and I mutually and amicably divorced in June. She remained in the house until 8/1 and then moved into a house across town while I continued to try to sell the house. It never sold so not I am living there as if it will be my permanent home. It is a bigger house than I want and it feels a bit sad to be there but I don't have any equity and the sales process drained me last year and I am not anxious to try again. Anyway, we have 2 kids together and we each have them 50% of the time. We both try to be good parents but also both work demanding jobs and are not "perfect" parents. During the 8 weeks between when we decided to divorce and the actual divorce (it was done very quickly!), she often told me she still loved me and asked "how do you divorce someone you still love?". At the time I was emotionally drained and told her it was something we had to do as we were toxic together. In the days leading up to our court day I was very ambivalent and did not really want to go thru with it, but I didn't say anything. On the actual day I was close to tears and secretly hoped she'd suggest we not do it. For the few days after I was deeply saddened by it, but we were living together and getting along better than every so it passed. When she moved out I was again devastated by it and it all suddenly became real. At that point we had some issues where my feelings were hurt (she didn't introduce me to any of her neighbors when I had to drop off the kids or whatever even if we were all present together, I eventually had to introduce myself because I had the kids a weekend when the neighbors had a party for the kids). There were a few other old issues and arguments but for the most part things were going ok. Around mid-Sept at the boy's football game she tells me she misses me and wants to go on a date with me. She continues to suggest reconciliation all fall at various points. In my heart I am tempted but at the same time I feel unready and unsure. I babysit our kids at her house around halloween so she can go to her friends' party. She comes home a little drunk and we have (sex) and I spend the night. That caused some hurt feelings and tension for a few weeks because I still can't commit to reconciling. Early Dec I come over and we spend 2 hours on the couch while the kids are in the other room and just hold each other and chat and I swear it was the best 2 hours I've had in years. It felt so right and perfect. We again have sex and this time I leave and I think she feels used (which was not my intetion but I do understand how that happened). For Xmas we decide to buy presents jointly and both of us be present for the opening at her house. The agreement I expected was that after presents were opened I'd take roughly half to my house and she'd keep half. She did not see it that way--she bought a lot of the presents (I told her in advance I'd reimburse) and felt she should keep the stuff she bought. This lead to a fight and she felt it ruined Xmas. She has a long standing beef with me about ruining holidays. The reality is that I grew up sort of poor and holidays do tend to cause me stress and I don't deal with it constructively. I was also very mad at her but I later apologized and sincerely wished I had behaved better. Anyway, that was the last she ever talked about reconciliation. Approx Feb 2 of this year I told her I missed her dearly and was ready to reconcile. She said no, she had started talking to someone else and wanted to see where it went. We talked often and openly during Feb and March and I am sure she was giving this consideration despite the fact she kept saying no. She said once she wanted us both to date other people to make sure this was what we wanted. On April 7 she told me flat out it was not going to happen despite the fact that she was no longer talking to this guy. She said she had been clear that this was her stand since I first told her in Feb but I was not hearing the message. The very next day she sends me an IM saying she is going to see a psychic and "I am hoping to get some answers to what is going to come of us. every day I think about you but I don't want to hurt or mislead you so I try to limit our interactions. talking to you yesterday was so hard. you are a wonderful person and I have seen so many changes in you that make it even harder." That was a Monday. Tues she goes to the psychic and sends me a text saying how wonderful our kids are and some minor info about our daughter's b-day party in a few months. I was hoping for a call or something but nothing comes. Weds I IM her and ask if she got the clarity she needed and she replies "yes I have clarity and nothing has changed between us." After that I try to back off and basically not talk to her as it is very painful and confusing for me. Even since then I have seen hints and signs that she was still interested in me. About 2 weeks ago I ran into her at the grocery store and I had just come from church so was dressed nicely. She had a big smile when she saw me and I asked what was up and she just said "Nothing. You look really cute." We chatted in the store for a few minutes and I had something for the kids in my trunk so I met her at her house a few minutes later. We were sort of flirty and she had yoga pants on (my weakness is her butt) and I gave her a playful slap on the ass. She did seemed to sort of like it. That was a couple of weeks ago and then last week I realize she set up a profile on Match.com and says she is talking to guys and hoping to "meet" someone. I am on match.com too because she seems to be making it clear that I need to move on. I went on a date in march (the only one I have been on since divorce) and all I kept thinking about was her so there was no 2nd date. I am so very confused and I don't really know what to do here. Do I start radio silence and basically write her off? I do desperately want her back and I'm basically sick at the thought of her dating other guys. I did not sleep at all last night. What can I do here? I have told her time and again how I feel and how I would do things differently if given the chance. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Again sorry for the long post | |||
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