| I haven't felt like this about anyone in a long time. In fact I haven't had a relationship for years and there's still a bit of insecurity about my attractiveness from the girl who called me fat back in primary school. The closest I got was 2 years ago when I was talking to a girl frequently, fancied the pants off her but it wasn't the same connection as…this. She is wonderful. Sweet, caring, intelligent, funny, wise, humble, sophisticated and cultured but not pretentious, ambitious, interesting, not afraid to go against the grain...and it hurts me when she says she's ugly because she is beautiful outside and in. Which is amazing because often people are only pretty on the outside. Perfect? No. Perfect is boring. She's so much better than that. The things I took for flaws I now adore. She makes me so happy. Admittedly I was at first a little creeped out because she is very bubbly in an endearing and almost child-like way, but in many ways that's a perfect match for my reserved borderline reclusive dungeon-dweller character :P and I sense she already has the maturity to not take life or adulthood too seriously. We click. We can make the stupidest most god-awful jokes and puns and it'll be hilarious because we're together. We have a really unhealthy obsession with cute animal and baby videos now :D She's 18, 19 this summer and I'm 20. We've been seeing each other for about 6 months now, once or twice a week. We were friends for years before this but only through a book club and she just appeared out of the blue at my uni one day. She confessed a while back to regrets we didn't keep closer touch back then. Over time things have grown more serious. We went out on a 'date' that wasn't really a date at Christmas but kind of was, film and dinner. Well I thought it was :o Now she texts me every day, she calls frequently even though it's hard for her at home, she made a Facebook just to stay in touch with me, the other day she introduced me to her younger brother, mum and friends. I think that somehow, despite trying to harden my heart for years, I'm in love. I can't stop thinking about her. I desire her. And she's been more than suggestive of feeling the same way lately. Here's the problem: -I have a history of anxiety and mental health difficulties in all their shapes and forms, only last year going through a period of fairly severe depression and dealt with an eating disorder of sorts over the past few years too. -I'm Dyspraxic and this along with the MH difficulties makes me feel less physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually mature than I feel is expected for my age. In the playground I was called 'spaz', 'retard' and 'fatty' among other things and even though I know kids are immature it's stuck. -The stigma I get from people can be quite demeaning because earlier on I was a little too open about my illness, so my self-esteem's been shook by that and I feel like a big kid. I also half-believe the worries that one day I'm going to snap and do something terrible I am not a manly man. Lots of guys think I'm gay. I try to keep healthy, work out and that but I am not your stereotypical 'alpha-male'. I'm more the bookish and artsy geek type without sounding too hipster :P Put all of this together and I expected to live my days Foreveralone out of necessity, as if I was incapable of holding down a relationship. So this is so so strange. She loves me? Me?! And to be honest I've told her all this, at least the MH and manhood side. She's been incredibly supportive and not judgmental or condescending at all, something I love her all the more for. But also, which I haven't yet told her -I'm a virgin. She's probably more experienced than me. And for her -She has also had a history of some MH difficulties. I want to support her with it but don't know how far I can because she refused therapy to the best of my knowledge. Although in all honesty she seems to have almost fully recovered, she's so sociable and outgoing when she gets the chance. But I'm not her, she could be faking a smile for me. I wish I could help. -She's Indian, a Hindu and her family are orthodox followers of the caste system. I don't want something as silly and backward as a culture divide to get in the way of this. But if I say 'I love you' and she is serious, I don't know. Could I be getting introduced to her family, even possible expectations of marriage by her parents? I love her but I'm not ready for anything quite that serious and I don't think she is either! But then this could be some stereotypical Bollywood dream scenario I'm imagining, hope I don't sound prejudiced, I need more knowledge on that but would have to meet her parents to know their views . Someone please enlighten me :o -Among other things, one of the religious rules she follows is a waste not want policy to food, food is regarded as sacred. Considering we've both had eating disorders and I still don't really like feeling compelled to eat this is tricky. I really don't want to offend her... -She can barely ever leave her house. She has to come back most nights after uni, I'm talking home before dinner kind of thing. I think they have a lot of concerns for her safety as an attractive young woman. I think they're overbearing and patronising her and she's said as much but I respect her parents and know how much she respects them too, so keep quiet about it Anyway she seems eager. There are 'three words you need to say now :D' according to her, I have to make the first move apparently. I almost did the other day minutes before her friends got to the party, but too late. Would have been so awkward for her. I think I'm in love-I really really really like her for sure, I am almost dreaming of her-and I haven't even kissed her yet. I'm so scared. What if her three words are really 'we're breaking up?' (we aren't really even going out officially…) What if it falls apart in just a few months? Can I handle it? What if she sees me naked and that's it, the magic's gone? What if she sees I'm a mess and not ready and walks out to find a man, not a boy? I don't know what to do and she's waiting for an answer Sorry this is so long, I can't articulate at the best of times, all these feelings and doubts Do I tell her? How do I tell her? | |||
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