| I am new to the site and have trouble talking to people about this in my everyday real life so I thought I would write a short story here and see what kind of responses I would get from people who don't know me. Sorry to be so long, but I wanted to be thorough to get honest opinions and not try to just tell my side of the story to look like a saint also. Me and my wife have been together for 10 years, married for almost 4 years. We have a 2 year old and a 3 year old together which I adore with all my heart and they are my world. Let me start out by saying me and the wife had a very good relationship before our first child. I completely understand after having children things will change and was accepting to this from the beginning. Before I met my wife I was in the military which made me into sort of a clean freak and organized, so I do a lot around my household to help the everyday operations such as cleaning up, cooking, laundry, dishes, etc. along with helping with the kids as much as possible not limited to but including putting them to bed and getting up with them at night, picking them up from daycare every day etc. Pretty much anything to make my wife's life easier in general or the kids' I will do to help every day. I have had a good job for the last 12 years and pay a majority of the bills also. I do a lot around the house and for my family and do not get praised or appreciated for it in my opinion though in the last few years. Enough about the good things I do for my family, lets talk about the bad as most would probably think they outweigh the good. ZI wanted to leave this part out, but want to be completely honest. I have smoked marijuana since about 12 years old (20 years now on and off as I am 32) with a 4 year hiatus while in the military. After getting out of the military I started up again smoking due to stress and crap I couldn't get over from overseas and readjustment back to civilian life to help me cope. I had a 1 1/2 year relationship before meeting my wife in 2002. The woman who is my wife now we started a relationship about 10 years ago who does not smoke but drank a little when we met. I do not drink though as I don't feel in control as I do when I smoke. For the first 6 years of our relationship before kids I was a daily smoker and it helped me from getting upset or letting a lot of problems get to me from my bad childhood or from work, etc. (It helped me ignore things and sedate my self which I know now is not the right way to address them). We got married while she was pregnant with our first daughter in 2009 and I believe were still in love then. After the children were born, it was more of a weekend thing to smoke or when I got migraines or kidney stones occasionally it would go back to daily or until the pain was gone. I was sort of a hermit during this time and didn't want to go out much but always wanted to spend time with my lady and kids every extra minute I had in any day. Work has been stressful for me for the past several years along with having two children so close in age and adjusting to being a new father, and honestly I would let it all get to me and make me upset/be grumpy quite often due to not knowing how to fix it making me want to smoke to cope instead of attacking my problems properly which once again I know now is not the right way. This I believe made my wife resent me for the smoking (she doesn't and even though it was not a pr oblem for our relationship before marriage as far as I know) and also resent me for the attitude for all the years along with other things unknown to me still but was too blind to see it all at the time. I wouldn't/have never been abusive in a verbal or physical way though to clarify that too, just be grumpy and kind of a bump on a log so to speak which I regret severely now. As we all know it is never one person in the relationship's fault though. After children my wife also developed a habit too in not communicating very well her feelings or wants in the relationship which was not a problem before the kids. I also believe that I started getting taken for granted for all of the things I do for the household and for her and the kids and never got the praise for it or appreciated in my opinion which has started to hurt me. All this that I'm describing went on during the last couple of years and my way of dealing with it was smoking and her way of dealing with it was ignoring it all and not talking to me about it at all and avoiding it. Neither way was/is good and I acknowledge it now that I am clear headed and wish I could have seen it sooner. Another thing that happened in August-October of last year, I found out she was texting an old childhood male friend of her family 300/400/and 450 times. I confronted her on it and she said that it was nothing and I didn't need to be worried about it at all but refused to show me the texts though which threw up a red flag to me. I realized at this point that something was terribly wrong in the relationship and with our communication but couldn't put my finger on it though to save my life as our communication was breaking. She quit texting him per my request (unless he has changed his number or something and I quit looking at the phone bill anyway due to it eating me alive wondering). Ever since then the sex has diminished almost which I also know is also unhealthy, and we have only had sex twice in the last almost 6 months along with an emotional disconnect I'm realizing started about then or shortly before the texting incident(s). Then about 2 months ago I found out from a m utual female friend of ours that my wife was texting and asking her about divorce or separation as she has gone through it before with her kids and my wife was asking her for guidance but didn't mention it to me. I took my wife out to dinner to talk after this to see if there was anything I could do for the relationship to help this emotional disconnect leading to the physical disconnect and what was wrong with our marriage. After asking what were her biggest problems with me and about the lack of intimacy and everything that was/is disconnected, she admitted to me that she was not sexually attracted to me anymore due to my smoking with the smell along with feeling like she was walking on eggshells and never knew what to expect from me being grumpy for so many years and what she would be coming home to. During dinner and talking I got the old I love you but I'm not in love with you... I realized because she told me that my wife did not like the man I was and that was part/some of the reason for this disconnect and I also realized that I did not like the guy I was either, so wanted to change for not only her to try and win back her heart, but for myself, the kids, work, and my overall life in general. I have not smoked for 2 months now and have greeted her with a smile and positive attitude every day for this entire time when we both get home and spend our evenings together. I have noticed a change in me for the better with these things and feel really good about it to be honest with everyone. I even got her to admit that she enjoyed the changes but she also said she didn't know if it would last. I reassured her that I do not like the guy I was and love the man I have been working on and steadily becoming and would not be reverting back at all to the old me she hated. I can u nderstand how she would not believe me though as we have told each other we are going to change several times in the past for one or both of us to go back on our word. On another note, ever since the texting incident she has never said yes to the question of if she wants to be with me, it has been an I don't know with hesitation in her voice or avoided all together. So we went out to dinner again this week to talk because I wanted to see if my changes over the last 2 months had an effect at all on her feelings toward me/our marriage and see where her head was at in general. I found out she still feels the same even though I have changed her top two things about me, but have also noticed she has not been putting much into our relationship where I have been giving it everything I have to be a better husband and father. I really like the changes along with her too that I have made to myself as it has a noticeable change in my everyday life including increased happiness in my wife and kids and I want to make it work with my wife at any cost to me, but it seems as if she has given up on me but will not tell me that to my face. Our lease is up on our house at the end of May and I'm starting to wonder if she is not telling what is going on with the moving situation to keep me for the convenience just to let me go then and she knows it now and n ot being 100% honest with me, but part of me is still optimistic that this marriage can be saved. I have also thought back to what made us attracted to each other 10 years ago and trying to be more of that person she fell in love with along with my changes to try to attract her to me once again, but don't know if I am going about it the right way or if there is a right way to be honest. She just keeps telling me I don't know and she says she isn't giving much effort because she is tired of the same old promises even though I believe I came through on the last few. Once again sorry for being so long, just wanted to be as thorough as possible to be honest to everyone here and myself, and not paint either one of us (Me or the wife) to be saints or monsters because I realize we are both at fault here. Any help would be appreciated and thank you in advance for your help :) | |||
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