| Background: About 7 months ago, I got into a secret relationship with my ex-literature tutor; there's a 20 year age difference. I'm 19. The reason it's secret is because I'm still currently a student at the college (already got two A-levels; A* and A)..now taking one final A-level in 1 year, due to start uni in Sep. But anyway, the relationship is just utterly exhausting. I feel like I put so much effort into the relationship but he always says I'm selfish and only put effort into things that I want. Whenever I see him on weekends or whatever, I always have to get two trains to his house (sometimes he's still in bed) and I have to knock and/or ring him until he answers and then when I'm there, acts as though he'd rather I wasn't. It was his birthday last month and I put so much thought and effort into the presents I got for him, only for him to say that I didn't listen when he fleetingly said he didn't want anything and just effectively threw it all back in my face. I feel insecure and unloved, he feels overwhelmed and embarrassed in himself. I lost my virginity to him (which he knows) but he'll often say things (after sex) such as 'well, I did all the work there'/'you just lay there' or 'ah, you got what you wanted'. It's incredibly knocking to here the person you're most and first intimate with make you feel sexually inferior - he says these things repeatedly. In the heat of a recent argument, I said that maybe the reason I always wanted sex (which for one isn't true) was because it was the only time I felt affection from him. He said I was confusing affection with attention. There was also an instance when he said he didn't want to 'go down' because I hadn't showered that day - when I actually had. He'll make me feel unhealthy whenever I don't eat all the salad or something he cooks and makes me feel unfit because I can't walk as fast as him. He calls me demanding and says that I constantly throw tantrums, sulks or get in moods with h im over nothing. The other weekend, his friend text him at about 12AM to say she was coming over to his and he said that I'd have to just pretend to be somebody else. I got really upset and said you can't pick and choose when we're in a secret relationship; there's no believeable explanation a 19 year old to be in your house at that time. He started shouting at me saying I was stopping him from seeing his friends, his family, doing his work - he even refered to a colleage who had cancer and said I stopped him from going to her leaving-do. I was in tears at what he was saying and because I can't win arguments with him - he's too articulate and stubborn. He then just left. We met for a coffee the other day and I got upset over the way he was talking to me and he told me to grow up/learn to control myself and then left me in the middle of town because 'people were looking'. I'm always the one to text about doing something or seeing each other, he'll usually agree but never initiate effort. He says that whenever I make arrangements I'm 'planning/controlling his days' and 'assuming he has no plans' - but I don't see what else I can do when he never makes plans with me. During this easter holidays, I text him saying we should go to the cinema and have some fun - he later threw down some work folders and shouted at me for being ignorant of his work and just assuming he didn't have any. Though throughout the holidays, I made four attempts to spend time together working - him marking, me revising - he didn't do any work on those days and will constantly blame me for stopping him working. What should I do? I'm so confused as to which of us is being unreasonable. | |||
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