First of all, I am incredibly happy that this place exists. This is going to a lengthy post so I apologize in advance. This was written a month ago so please keep that in mind. I will be writing an update soon. I wanted to post it in case anyone has any insights on relationships with a possible BPD partner.
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I (30M) just moved across the country to be with my gf/fiancee (29F) of 7 months.
I feel like I need to explain out background a little more: We were friends for about 10 years and have dated for the last 8 months. We started out as long distance, but our years of friendship (or so i had thought) made was really familiar to each other. We are in the same career field with similar goals. We also come from the same culture (East Asian). I couldn't believe how compatible we were in virtually everyday we carried life. I realize now that I was overlooking some major red flags, in fact over the years she was able to pick out my hobbies and mirror me to a great extent. The honeymoon phase was intoxicating, somehow this friend of mine shared everything with me!
She was always really open with me about her past, even when we were friends. She told me about her physically abusive father, rapes in college (NYC), and how she even worked as a prostitute to pay for her tuition (more on why I know this why this is relevant further down). Of course, all of her previous boyfriends were abusive and I'm the only one that has ever made her feel safe. I'm now recognizing many co-dependent and 'fixer' traits in me
We ran in similar social circles and she was always the wild girl. So why did I pick her? As I neared my 30, I felt like I had changed myself, I am no angel and have my fair share of failures. And I will be honest, she is very beautiful, dresses provocative, has tattoos... You get the idea. She's very exciting and fun. Now that we were both officially single, she came into my life and we gave it a try. she had tried to approach me earlier for a relationship but i turned her down due to being in a serious LTR.
Last November or so, I had an interview at the city she works in. We met up for drinks and one thing lead to another. We hooked up and it was amazing. I told her this felt right, she cried and told me she had been waiting for me all along (i know... hindsight). I left the city and we did the long-distance thing for 7 months. We would talk on the phone nightly and provided emotional support. We met at the end of each month and the sex was mind-blowing and her sweetness was incredible. Looking back, the sex was not intimate, rather it was porn sex, but I was far addicted by this point. Around February she asked me to move in. Again, chaulked our rapport to our friendship and I whole-heartedly agreed. We both had never lived with an SO before, but we were at our most irrational. Hell, she was talking about children and marriage at this time and all I could hear were wedding bells.
To add to the fire, I went out an purchased an engagement ring before moving out. We met each other's parents and everyone was happy for us. I had known her father prior, but he was always demonized in her book. He was actually a really nice man and I will elaborate this in an updated post.
June came and I packed my bags and drove out 2000 miles to be with her. This is was a rural town, but that was ok -- NYC is just an hour's drive away and I would have a car. The night I arrived, I proposed and we fell into each other. The first 5 days or so was what I thought was pure bliss. Lots of sex, sweet talks of futures, and love-bombs. The following day we went to one of her friend's bday parties. She happily showed off her ring and i finally had a chance to meet all of her friends. It was a blast! I think this marriage thing is going to be A-OK.
Now it's 5 days later.
At the end of the month she has a big exam related to her career. I thought I would ease the stresses of daily living and would cook dinners and do some chores around the house. I usually get out of work much earlier and I don't know, I wanted to be helpful. Oh man... she was not pleased at all. I also went out to hang out with her dad at her request... to which she reacted very negatively towards. At this time she started acting very distant and cold. The sex just stopped, when i went in for a kiss she would avert it. One morning she woke up and told me that she felt smothered by everything i was doing, as if i was holding a gag on her. She finished it by saying that I was not who she thought i was. I was taken aback considering we've known each other for all these years! The worst was when she added that she hated coming home to me. This one, even a month later brings back so much pain. I knew something had to change so I sat her down for a talk. I asked her what I could do to change and i agreed to her terms:
1. I'd stop trying to do stuff around the house
2. show her that i'm still passionate about life. i also have the same exam, but at a later date.. i'm just a passive study person, i like to read whereas she likes to discuss the studying material. I now suspect that she was projecting her test anxiety to me.
3. We would take things slower. I had no idea about BPD at this time, and yes I figured the speed at which things were going is definitely too much. Slower and more space sounded reasonable.
I could sense the tension being relieved, but I also started walking on egg shells around this time. I was doing EVERYTHING wrong. She would start nitpicking everything about my character or something i was doing. And the space thing? When I stopped greeting her when she came from work, she was furious that I was neglecting her.
Another example: I was moving a blanket and she snapped at me for why i was taking so long. Another time I mispronounced a name of a grain and she corrected me as she would a 5 year old. This was later met with passionately kissing me goodbye before she would leave for work. I am so confused and insecure in my thoughts
I am tired of this push and pull and feeling unsafe and unwanted in our home. I secretly packed a bag and the scary thing was, it felt OK to be doing that. I had given up my entire life to be with the love of my life. So i had thought. The last morning we woke up and she started berating me about everything. First by reminding me of our talk (ok i get it), from my passivity, to my career, questioning my motives, and how we were moving too fast. about my last vacation in march how much she loved it, but that she hated the hotel we stayed at because it reminded her of her prostitution days (what the heck). She did bring up many good points too, I AM passive and there are many things i need to work on my life. I just kept hearing what was wrong with me and i started to question my beliefs and myself... I knew arguing back would lead to the same circular arguments so i went to another room. Few minutes passed and she followed me to the room.
She gave me back by ring and followed it with a long hug and kiss on the lips.
As much as it hurts, I don't think this is going to work out. This push and pull.. her hiding her phone from me (she never did this) and the berating.. not to mention always scared of when she's going to explode again.
I've since left and am about 2 hours away at a friend's house. My phone and texts are blowing up from her.. from accusatory to pleading to asking for forgiveness..
I guess my mind is already made up.. but is there a light at the tunnel? Is there a chance to break-up cleanly? I see now how she keeps all of her exes and lovers around. I'm questioning my sanity and her friends are pleading for me to give it another try and this kind of fighting is normal for a new couple. I still care about her deeply and love her, but when i think about how it felt at home... i think it might just be my lust and need to make things work beckoning to me
what happened to the woman I knew the past 7 months? What happened in the last week?
Sorry about the wall of text.. i'm so confused and hurt. Help me find the courage to keep on driving.
---edit: as per the beginning, this was written a month ago. It's been 24 days of no contact and trying to heal and move on. Being back in the company of friends and my support group I know I made the right call, but for some reason, I am still struggling with it. Reading about BPD, I know I must've caused tremendous hurt by 'abandoning' her. And there were lots of real beautiful memories -- When times were good, man they were amazing!
-----
I (30M) just moved across the country to be with my gf/fiancee (29F) of 7 months.
I feel like I need to explain out background a little more: We were friends for about 10 years and have dated for the last 8 months. We started out as long distance, but our years of friendship (or so i had thought) made was really familiar to each other. We are in the same career field with similar goals. We also come from the same culture (East Asian). I couldn't believe how compatible we were in virtually everyday we carried life. I realize now that I was overlooking some major red flags, in fact over the years she was able to pick out my hobbies and mirror me to a great extent. The honeymoon phase was intoxicating, somehow this friend of mine shared everything with me!
She was always really open with me about her past, even when we were friends. She told me about her physically abusive father, rapes in college (NYC), and how she even worked as a prostitute to pay for her tuition (more on why I know this why this is relevant further down). Of course, all of her previous boyfriends were abusive and I'm the only one that has ever made her feel safe. I'm now recognizing many co-dependent and 'fixer' traits in me
We ran in similar social circles and she was always the wild girl. So why did I pick her? As I neared my 30, I felt like I had changed myself, I am no angel and have my fair share of failures. And I will be honest, she is very beautiful, dresses provocative, has tattoos... You get the idea. She's very exciting and fun. Now that we were both officially single, she came into my life and we gave it a try. she had tried to approach me earlier for a relationship but i turned her down due to being in a serious LTR.
Last November or so, I had an interview at the city she works in. We met up for drinks and one thing lead to another. We hooked up and it was amazing. I told her this felt right, she cried and told me she had been waiting for me all along (i know... hindsight). I left the city and we did the long-distance thing for 7 months. We would talk on the phone nightly and provided emotional support. We met at the end of each month and the sex was mind-blowing and her sweetness was incredible. Looking back, the sex was not intimate, rather it was porn sex, but I was far addicted by this point. Around February she asked me to move in. Again, chaulked our rapport to our friendship and I whole-heartedly agreed. We both had never lived with an SO before, but we were at our most irrational. Hell, she was talking about children and marriage at this time and all I could hear were wedding bells.
To add to the fire, I went out an purchased an engagement ring before moving out. We met each other's parents and everyone was happy for us. I had known her father prior, but he was always demonized in her book. He was actually a really nice man and I will elaborate this in an updated post.
June came and I packed my bags and drove out 2000 miles to be with her. This is was a rural town, but that was ok -- NYC is just an hour's drive away and I would have a car. The night I arrived, I proposed and we fell into each other. The first 5 days or so was what I thought was pure bliss. Lots of sex, sweet talks of futures, and love-bombs. The following day we went to one of her friend's bday parties. She happily showed off her ring and i finally had a chance to meet all of her friends. It was a blast! I think this marriage thing is going to be A-OK.
Now it's 5 days later.
At the end of the month she has a big exam related to her career. I thought I would ease the stresses of daily living and would cook dinners and do some chores around the house. I usually get out of work much earlier and I don't know, I wanted to be helpful. Oh man... she was not pleased at all. I also went out to hang out with her dad at her request... to which she reacted very negatively towards. At this time she started acting very distant and cold. The sex just stopped, when i went in for a kiss she would avert it. One morning she woke up and told me that she felt smothered by everything i was doing, as if i was holding a gag on her. She finished it by saying that I was not who she thought i was. I was taken aback considering we've known each other for all these years! The worst was when she added that she hated coming home to me. This one, even a month later brings back so much pain. I knew something had to change so I sat her down for a talk. I asked her what I could do to change and i agreed to her terms:
1. I'd stop trying to do stuff around the house
2. show her that i'm still passionate about life. i also have the same exam, but at a later date.. i'm just a passive study person, i like to read whereas she likes to discuss the studying material. I now suspect that she was projecting her test anxiety to me.
3. We would take things slower. I had no idea about BPD at this time, and yes I figured the speed at which things were going is definitely too much. Slower and more space sounded reasonable.
I could sense the tension being relieved, but I also started walking on egg shells around this time. I was doing EVERYTHING wrong. She would start nitpicking everything about my character or something i was doing. And the space thing? When I stopped greeting her when she came from work, she was furious that I was neglecting her.
Another example: I was moving a blanket and she snapped at me for why i was taking so long. Another time I mispronounced a name of a grain and she corrected me as she would a 5 year old. This was later met with passionately kissing me goodbye before she would leave for work. I am so confused and insecure in my thoughts
I am tired of this push and pull and feeling unsafe and unwanted in our home. I secretly packed a bag and the scary thing was, it felt OK to be doing that. I had given up my entire life to be with the love of my life. So i had thought. The last morning we woke up and she started berating me about everything. First by reminding me of our talk (ok i get it), from my passivity, to my career, questioning my motives, and how we were moving too fast. about my last vacation in march how much she loved it, but that she hated the hotel we stayed at because it reminded her of her prostitution days (what the heck). She did bring up many good points too, I AM passive and there are many things i need to work on my life. I just kept hearing what was wrong with me and i started to question my beliefs and myself... I knew arguing back would lead to the same circular arguments so i went to another room. Few minutes passed and she followed me to the room.
She gave me back by ring and followed it with a long hug and kiss on the lips.
As much as it hurts, I don't think this is going to work out. This push and pull.. her hiding her phone from me (she never did this) and the berating.. not to mention always scared of when she's going to explode again.
I've since left and am about 2 hours away at a friend's house. My phone and texts are blowing up from her.. from accusatory to pleading to asking for forgiveness..
I guess my mind is already made up.. but is there a light at the tunnel? Is there a chance to break-up cleanly? I see now how she keeps all of her exes and lovers around. I'm questioning my sanity and her friends are pleading for me to give it another try and this kind of fighting is normal for a new couple. I still care about her deeply and love her, but when i think about how it felt at home... i think it might just be my lust and need to make things work beckoning to me
what happened to the woman I knew the past 7 months? What happened in the last week?
Sorry about the wall of text.. i'm so confused and hurt. Help me find the courage to keep on driving.
---edit: as per the beginning, this was written a month ago. It's been 24 days of no contact and trying to heal and move on. Being back in the company of friends and my support group I know I made the right call, but for some reason, I am still struggling with it. Reading about BPD, I know I must've caused tremendous hurt by 'abandoning' her. And there were lots of real beautiful memories -- When times were good, man they were amazing!
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