My wife and I have been married for 13 years and have been together for 17 years. We have what would appear to be the perfect marriage, at least to outside observers. We co-parent well, live a nice lifestyle, and generally get along. I am a professional and make a decent salary, my wife is a SAHM (her choice), although she picks up temporary jobs to earn some extra money for vacations or other things she wants to buy. I work regular hours so I am available to spend time with the kids. I help out at home, although there is clear division of labor with more of the housework falling on her shoulders. We've always communicated well and even if we fought we had a rule that we would sleep in the same bed and the next morning the fight was history and couldn't be brought into a new day. Up until 6-12 months ago my wife was madly in love with me and she'd constantly tell me that she was looking forward to being together forever and there was nothing I could do to make her leave. Well, things have been changing with her for months and I suspect she is going through a midlife crisis.
Over the past few months we've fought more often and her behavior has changed. She's been withdrawing emotionally and starting to hide her cell phone usage from me. She now goes into the bedroom to take calls and always has the phone with her, even if she goes in the bathroom. We've always had a regular sex life (2-3 times a week) but the quality has gone down tremendously. Our fights are now resulting in hurt feelings; she is being aggressive and hostile, which was never how we fought before. She is not wanting to do as much with the family and is needing more time by herself.
After her behavior change I assumed she was having an affair so I bought a cell phone recovery program and pulled the deleted data off her old phone (she just got a new one a few weeks ago that she never leaves alone). I also checked the computer browser history, have been monitoring the odometer on the car, checked bank accounts and credit cards, etc. and she is not having an affair. This is the first time in our marriage that I have not trusted her and breached her privacy.
I have had several discussions with her and she admitted that she was no longer attracted to me and that she isn't sure what she wants for the future. She said she needs time to decide and that I can't rush her. I asked if there was anything else and she said no. I later found out she's been shopping like crazy and spent our yearly emergency savings cushion and has been lying about it when I have asked about our finances. I spoke with her and asked why she was lying to me about money, and she said that she was afraid of how I would react because I am controlling and always overreact about money.
I have already addressed the money issue. I had her give me access to all of our joint accounts and her personal accounts, and have put together a budget that we are going to monitor jointly. I told her that I found it emasculating that I make a good salary and can't provide the extra's for my family because of decisions she's made without me and lied to me about. She understands that she is not going to get a big present for her upcoming 40th birthday, because the money is now gone. I told her that I no longer trust her, although she doesn't know the extent of it including that I had checked her computer and cell phone. When we talked she agreed that the lack of trust is justified.
So now I am stuck with what to do. I have a woman that I love and have been committed to for the better part of 20 years that is a good mother to our kids, but is no longer a committed partner to me. I want her to want a future with me and not have doubts about it. I want her to be attracted to me. When we discuss it she says that she wants to be together but just needs time to decide what she is feeling.
I don't know what to do about the attraction issue. I told her that I can't have sex with someone that isn't attracted to me. She understands but doesn't seem to be bothered by it.
I am not sure how far to let this go before I divorce her. I feel like I need to keep the family together for the sake of the kids, but I also want a committed partner and not just a roommate. I have not let myself go physically and know that I can find someone else, if need be, and she could do the same. I don't like going to bed sad and worrying about my future, and don't think I should have any doubts.
I'm convinced, correctly or incorrectly, that she is having a midlife crisis. I don't know what my role is in the process or how far to let it go. I don't have many friends I can talk to privately since we have been in the same social circle for most of our adult lives. Do these things turn out OK?
Over the past few months we've fought more often and her behavior has changed. She's been withdrawing emotionally and starting to hide her cell phone usage from me. She now goes into the bedroom to take calls and always has the phone with her, even if she goes in the bathroom. We've always had a regular sex life (2-3 times a week) but the quality has gone down tremendously. Our fights are now resulting in hurt feelings; she is being aggressive and hostile, which was never how we fought before. She is not wanting to do as much with the family and is needing more time by herself.
After her behavior change I assumed she was having an affair so I bought a cell phone recovery program and pulled the deleted data off her old phone (she just got a new one a few weeks ago that she never leaves alone). I also checked the computer browser history, have been monitoring the odometer on the car, checked bank accounts and credit cards, etc. and she is not having an affair. This is the first time in our marriage that I have not trusted her and breached her privacy.
I have had several discussions with her and she admitted that she was no longer attracted to me and that she isn't sure what she wants for the future. She said she needs time to decide and that I can't rush her. I asked if there was anything else and she said no. I later found out she's been shopping like crazy and spent our yearly emergency savings cushion and has been lying about it when I have asked about our finances. I spoke with her and asked why she was lying to me about money, and she said that she was afraid of how I would react because I am controlling and always overreact about money.
I have already addressed the money issue. I had her give me access to all of our joint accounts and her personal accounts, and have put together a budget that we are going to monitor jointly. I told her that I found it emasculating that I make a good salary and can't provide the extra's for my family because of decisions she's made without me and lied to me about. She understands that she is not going to get a big present for her upcoming 40th birthday, because the money is now gone. I told her that I no longer trust her, although she doesn't know the extent of it including that I had checked her computer and cell phone. When we talked she agreed that the lack of trust is justified.
So now I am stuck with what to do. I have a woman that I love and have been committed to for the better part of 20 years that is a good mother to our kids, but is no longer a committed partner to me. I want her to want a future with me and not have doubts about it. I want her to be attracted to me. When we discuss it she says that she wants to be together but just needs time to decide what she is feeling.
I don't know what to do about the attraction issue. I told her that I can't have sex with someone that isn't attracted to me. She understands but doesn't seem to be bothered by it.
I am not sure how far to let this go before I divorce her. I feel like I need to keep the family together for the sake of the kids, but I also want a committed partner and not just a roommate. I have not let myself go physically and know that I can find someone else, if need be, and she could do the same. I don't like going to bed sad and worrying about my future, and don't think I should have any doubts.
I'm convinced, correctly or incorrectly, that she is having a midlife crisis. I don't know what my role is in the process or how far to let it go. I don't have many friends I can talk to privately since we have been in the same social circle for most of our adult lives. Do these things turn out OK?
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