First post here but have been reading a lot. heres the situation. Wife had a long term EA with her Business partner who is a younger man(engaged). Was always leery of texting etc between them but did not really know the extent. " just friends" came up a lot business stuff came up a lot....basically it was BS - Marriage had been on the decline for a few years after birth of 4th son, we have 4 boys 10 yo twins a 6 and a 5 (now). The business startup required travelling for certification classes by the two of them which I protested huge but to no avail and the last trip a condo was shared by them and another student (no I have never seen a photo nor know her name). When I found out about this I totally flipped it was about Nov of last year and though this caused a major wedge between us and was an ongoing issue that was not skirted..The EA became or probably already was a PA. In late December I discovered of sex texting on her phone which had been locked down for two years. Phone records show a progression. 1500- 3200 texts per month for 2014. After discovery I blew up totally, met the guy to scare him off, which at least paused things (no business together). I counseled a lawyer that next week, did not file. She did to which scared the **** out of her and she opened a separate account, got a second cell phone, the whole bs shebang. All this time OM had a fiancé and married her two weeks after the affair was discovered as planned. I did not expose the affair out of compassion for her. (I know) Over the past years time the couple had become close to our family, coming for cookouts drinking etc. I monitored pretty closely their actions together and although the situation was uncomfortable it was cloaked in the start of this business and the differences in age and the fact that the families (including my kids) were involved in these get togethers which were really pretty friendly. The couple even joined us when we took the kids camping and we joined them when they camped with his family (yes, I know, I know but in the thick of it it became if you cant beat them join them). We have obvious barrier issues here and just how physical it was is really unknown but lets face it they went on several business trips together so im not foolish to think the affair went physical only at the end when I caught the sex texing about her blowing him during a study session.... FF to now 7 mos later. I went from aggressive Im divorcing your a** (first two months), to we need to save this for not only the kids but us and I can get past it if we can develop a better relationship etc.(past 4 months) I am willing to do the heavy lifting to get us where we need to go but:
- MC fizzled out because she refuses to go anymore (time felt attacked - doesn't want to go).
- She will not go to PC which I think she needs either.
- After I recommitted I did smother her to make her feel better, went out of my way to do nice things. cornered her with relationship talk etc (I know bad). I have backed off made her choose to stay or go and she decided to stay in the marriage but even with the kids seemed hesitant, so I have given her some space.......
- Day after her Bday we have a fight about her other phone and since that I have distanced myself. stopped trying to sleep in the bed with her (our kids wind up in the bed most of the time anyhow- another issue I know). I have no desire to pursue her, am starting to feel better when she leaves, am kind of not liking it when she returns and am about fed up with the whole thing.
There are big red flags which are deal breakers here I know so we almost don't need to address:
- the other phone which she says is just used as an ipod now but has a contract so its still a phone and really was put in place to be able to contact OM or whoever without a trace, 2 - still funneling money into a separate account, claiming she spends it on the kids and entertainment, she did say she would keep that until we are in the clear as she would have no resource for D.
- Took a promotion and Is now the supervisor of the OM.
- though said she is sorry, shows little remorse and will absolutely not bring up anything abouth our marriage, attempting to show transparency or rebuild trust. I have made it clear it is up to her to fix this.
- there are others, this is getting long...... basically its a soup of poop that is stagnant and getting hard to exist with -
I want a good reconciliation. I want our marriage to work. I don't want our kids to grow up in two households. I really didn't think it was that bad, (shes gone back and forth on this) we even had a decent though mechanical sex life. I will absolutely and have tried to own my side of the mess - Not being emotinally supportive, focused on money, being a stompy ****, Detached from our relationship during the parenting whirlwind etc.... marriages don't fail because of one side usually, I know this.... I am looking for what I can do to help the situation and I firmly believe she needs to want to do the right things for this to work or this rug sweeping will cause her or even I to stray again and just F it all up........ The dust has settled a lot for me so I am not in the high emotion state and I need a lot from my Wife that I have not gotten..... I am heavily considering exposing the affair to the other side which I did not do for compassion of his wife. Is it still going on? honestly I do not know and unbiasedly could see it either way. I scared the **** out of the guy and he married his fiancée but still works out of the same office. I would say (required) physical contact in the workplace is minimal as they are offsite medical workers and see patients all over, not dumb enough to believe if they wanted it to be underground that it would be..............and I would not know.
This has been a journey and I have done work to put myself in a better place mentally and physically. I have done the reading and research and know more now than I ever thought about relationships and what makes them tick. I have given her more than enough space and compassion for her situation too but Im at the end of my rope and heavily considering divorce though I know we have not tried everything and I do love my wife. I would love to hear from someone in my shoes who has dealt with a spouse who has shown little remorse and continued to a act shelfishly in the wake of discovery and attempted reconciliation........ We have a beautiful family but I know I cannot control her, I want some good advice here. im considering - blowing up his side and filing next week but he fact is we have not had a talk about our marriage in over 8 weeks, just been grinding along.......
- MC fizzled out because she refuses to go anymore (time felt attacked - doesn't want to go).
- She will not go to PC which I think she needs either.
- After I recommitted I did smother her to make her feel better, went out of my way to do nice things. cornered her with relationship talk etc (I know bad). I have backed off made her choose to stay or go and she decided to stay in the marriage but even with the kids seemed hesitant, so I have given her some space.......
- Day after her Bday we have a fight about her other phone and since that I have distanced myself. stopped trying to sleep in the bed with her (our kids wind up in the bed most of the time anyhow- another issue I know). I have no desire to pursue her, am starting to feel better when she leaves, am kind of not liking it when she returns and am about fed up with the whole thing.
There are big red flags which are deal breakers here I know so we almost don't need to address:
- the other phone which she says is just used as an ipod now but has a contract so its still a phone and really was put in place to be able to contact OM or whoever without a trace, 2 - still funneling money into a separate account, claiming she spends it on the kids and entertainment, she did say she would keep that until we are in the clear as she would have no resource for D.
- Took a promotion and Is now the supervisor of the OM.
- though said she is sorry, shows little remorse and will absolutely not bring up anything abouth our marriage, attempting to show transparency or rebuild trust. I have made it clear it is up to her to fix this.
- there are others, this is getting long...... basically its a soup of poop that is stagnant and getting hard to exist with -
I want a good reconciliation. I want our marriage to work. I don't want our kids to grow up in two households. I really didn't think it was that bad, (shes gone back and forth on this) we even had a decent though mechanical sex life. I will absolutely and have tried to own my side of the mess - Not being emotinally supportive, focused on money, being a stompy ****, Detached from our relationship during the parenting whirlwind etc.... marriages don't fail because of one side usually, I know this.... I am looking for what I can do to help the situation and I firmly believe she needs to want to do the right things for this to work or this rug sweeping will cause her or even I to stray again and just F it all up........ The dust has settled a lot for me so I am not in the high emotion state and I need a lot from my Wife that I have not gotten..... I am heavily considering exposing the affair to the other side which I did not do for compassion of his wife. Is it still going on? honestly I do not know and unbiasedly could see it either way. I scared the **** out of the guy and he married his fiancée but still works out of the same office. I would say (required) physical contact in the workplace is minimal as they are offsite medical workers and see patients all over, not dumb enough to believe if they wanted it to be underground that it would be..............and I would not know.
This has been a journey and I have done work to put myself in a better place mentally and physically. I have done the reading and research and know more now than I ever thought about relationships and what makes them tick. I have given her more than enough space and compassion for her situation too but Im at the end of my rope and heavily considering divorce though I know we have not tried everything and I do love my wife. I would love to hear from someone in my shoes who has dealt with a spouse who has shown little remorse and continued to a act shelfishly in the wake of discovery and attempted reconciliation........ We have a beautiful family but I know I cannot control her, I want some good advice here. im considering - blowing up his side and filing next week but he fact is we have not had a talk about our marriage in over 8 weeks, just been grinding along.......
Put the internet to work for you.
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